to feel like some older relatives respect men’s time more than women’s?

Men’s time is respected more than women’s but its not a generational thing its a societal thing.

When my DC were school age DH was always listed as the first contact if they were ill etc. This was because he was geographically closer in emergencies (I was sometimes out of the country…). Without exception every single time it would be me receiving the call because Mum.

Invites to birthdays, queries about availability of a child - all directed to me just using DH as a messenger at most.

Women are still assumed to be responsible for the emotional labour of a family, even when a couple of thousand miles away with a perfectly capable father in residence.

Absolutely not UR. It's a generational thing but doesn't make it right. Historically caring for elderly relatives very much was a woman's task but of course (a) married women with children probably wouldn't have worked full-time or been the main or co-breadwinner for their households in the same way they are today (b) changing demographics mean that there wasn't the squeezed middle effect where working aged people can have up to 20 years worth of caring for two (or even in some cases 3) generations, their own children, their parents and their grandparents. Historically people would probably only have a few years of significant incapacity and need for assistance on average before they died, now people live much longer overall and don't die anywhere near as much of short sudden illnesses like infectious diseases, heart attacks and strokes, which is a good thing of course, but means they do live for longer with the side effects of surviving such things or with other debilitating illnesses that come with old age like dementia or arthritis. Also people tended to live nearer their parents or with their parents in multigenerational households rather than being spread out as they are now.

So I think basically some older people do try to apply the standards that maybe worked 100 years ago (which were hardly ideal or fair in themselves) to today's world, and have expectations that women can or should prioritise care work in a way that men can't or shouldn't have to - I don't think it's that they don't logically see that the women in their lives are just as busy if not more so than the men, it's more a polite/subconscious way of expressing that they don't want or expect from their sons or nephews but they do from their daughters or nieces.

I do think prolonged illness and incapacity do tend to make you somewhat less logical and reasonable in themselves so you have to be a bit more tolerant. And it's always a very hard thing to ask for or accept help in the first place particularly if that's quite intimate or personal help, so if people's instincts are naturally to prefer a female family member rather than a male I do think it's understandable, we are quite hard wired to associate women with caring and comfort after all. Doesn't mean you have to say yes to every request of course, of course you can and should only do as much as you can but I guess hard as it is you just have to set boundaries and stick to them whatever is then thrown at you...

YADNBU!!
start shutting the requests down with “oh me too.. soo busy!”

I know that’ll get some responses of. “How could you!”
but the more this misogyny is pandered to, the longer it perpetuates

Agree. My female friend is dealing with the exact same thing, and the sons actually live with the parents who are asking for help! They always make excuse for them saying “they’re tired after work”, “they’re at the gym”.

My friend has started pointing it out and stopped helping, and got told she’s being difficult.