to feel like some older relatives respect men’s time more than women’s?

We were brought up to be people-pleasers and to put everyone else (particularly the men) first. If not, you were guilt-tripped into it. In my family, the women did everything: the cooking, cleaning, childcare, admin, DIY, gardening and working full-time unless retired. As a teen, it annoyed me that the men/boys of the family were never expected to help with anything, even the washing up after big family meals, let alone appointments and things. I was apparently unreasonable and selfish for suggesting that they help.

Unfortunately, two of us moved away, some got ill, and- God forbid- a man had to cancel his hair appointment to take an elderly relation to an appointment. When he whinged about this, he was put firmly in his place, as the women had done all of the running around for years. Somewhat embarrassingly, it didn't seem to have occurred to him.

I think there is a part of us deep inside that knows if we ask a man or men in our families they actually won't help and to have that fear aknowledged is not nice so looking to the women around us is partly protecting the truth of what the men around us are like.

Op yes it’s always the woman’s job because there just simply aren’t as important as the men they are breadwinners blah blah sorry but you need boundaries. I’m a people pleaser but have been practicing saying no the guilt is awful but you have enough going on in your own life. Op time to let go of being readily available. Let the men do more you will not be any better thought of.

Absolutely ! My mother in law does this. Rings me during the week to ask about family dos or with a problem. Im a social worker dealing with trauma front line and Absolutely manic.
Her SON has his own office business 5min from her house!! Not saying he's not busy but he can take calls 100x easier than I can!

I do keep saying 'I couldn't answer phone I was with someone' and 'I cant talk right now ive got to go in a rape crisis '..she says 'oh ok, well ring me later, I dont like ringing DH cos I know hes at work!'
Wtf!!

But shes otherwise lovely and I love her so will iust keep on trying to explain and telling my DH to ring his bloody mother!!

Yes, it is - people pleasing means you doing things for people, hoping for their approval, acceptance, acknowledgement and it usually means putting yourself second.
It’s not the same as doing something selfless or thoughtful for someone else.

THIS THIS THIS!

I’m not even convinced it’s entirely an age thing. I have relatives my age (30s) who will expect help from me or my mum but not other male relatives who have fewer commitments. It’s almost as though they empathise with them more and see how it would be inconvenient for them.

Yes. Ultimately, while you're there hovering in the background, no one else will put themselves out. Stop liaising with the other people you think should be doing the work. Just making it plain you are stepping back, either entirely or listing only the very specific things you will be doing.

Because if you died in the morning, everyone would get on with things. New ways would be found.

Ultimately, to be brutal, it's not your issue if 'something awful happens'. You have done a huge amount of unpaid caring to the detriment of your own life and I suspect (as the child of someone who was exactly like you) of your children's.

It's not your job to stop other people from having to deal with the consequences of their actions/inaction.

People pleasing is not an insult. You are trying to be a good, kind person. What you need to consider is if you withdrew, what would happen. You cannot be the one that always keeps the aircraft in the air. X

Yes, we all know about old-fashioned attitudes and societal pressure. Yes, it's tremendously annoying when this happens, and yes it still does happen. But YOU ARE THE ONE PUTTING UP WITH IT.

No one is going to step in to resist societal pressure on your behalf. Only you can actually do this in your own life. Venting to us is completely pointless. Tell your older relatives! And then let your actions continue to do the talking.

Or, don't do that because it's awkward. Continue to people-please. Nothing will change but that is your choice.

Also the number of times a 'desperate' mum will beg a female friend or family member to babysit last-minute; and then it turns out that the child's father is actually there at home all the time, but he's 'too busy' - often just gaming or watching TV.

YANBU

Decide what help you are comfortable providing and steadfastly say no to anything else that comes up.

I do think it is mainly a systematic issue but also that women can be victims of our own caring hormones during the first half of life and it ends up being taken advantage of, being aware of it can help you maintain healthy boundaries though.

Women's jobs are also less important, even if it'd literally the SAME JOB

there was just a post on another thread where a friend expected the poster to go out and get a birthday present for friend's MIL. Why friend's husband couldn't do it? He was resting and didn't fancy.

Yes, I think this is also a major factor. In OP's case, he doesn't like to admit that his DGD willingly makes time for him whilst his DSs refuse to/and or keep making excuses not to - so it's more palatable for him to tell himself and others that they're 'too busy' rather than that there's no point asking them because they just don't care enough to put themselves out.

Not UR but it’s not generational, it’s structural. Many people of all ages think men’s time is more important, men’s opinions matter more etc etc - it probably won’t be openly articulated. But you’ll see in things like…In public opinion, a woman who could be an expert in her field, but men are still viewed as more authoritative even if they know absolutely zero about the topic. This is a core part of how a patriarchal society sustains itself.

Have you spoken to your uncles, cousin and your brother to say clearly, that they have just as much or more time than you and they're taking advantage?

Yep you need to break the cycle

Bob's department sorry grandad

Just stop

They will eventually get round to asking the useless not really busy men

Well, absolutely they do, but there's no reason for you to allow that to impact your life. Bluntly, at the moment, you doing the unpaid caring you're doing despite having two jobs and dependent children are reinforcing the idea that your time is less valuable than your brother's or your male cousins' time. Do less. Be less available. Just say you don't have time.

Women are generally conditioned "people-please" and often find it far harder to just say no. I hope that is changing.

Totally agree with this! When my MIL was sick, my DH wasn’t great at offering practical support and could have done more, but he has autism and gets very overwhelmed. Despite having 3 young children, a full time job and a serious health condition of my own, various members of his family believed that as his wife my job was to step up and make up for what my DH wasn’t doing. I refused - because I literally couldn’t have fitted more into my life without breaking - and as a result now have no relationship with SIL. I couldn’t believe that as a woman she still thought that it is the job of women to plug the gaps that men leave, and that my time was less important than my DH’s time.