AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

My mother wants a prompt response to nothing that is desperately important, she doesn’t get one. She gets a reply in my time, be that 1 hour, 1 day or 2 days.

I’m managing my time. She has all the time in the world, I don’t and prioritise what’s important. Her wall of text about an annoying neighbour, what they’ve done in the garden or bought at whatever shop, isn’t high on the list.

So you 'managed your time' around daily, constant demands for attention from another adult who didn't live you, and prioritised that over your children?

If that's the case, I think your daughter is the better parent.

GoldenGran? More like AbsolutePainInTheArseGran.

nearly a day

So fucking what? She doesn't have to be at your beck and call 24/7. Why on earth do you think she should reply to you immediately if it's not convenient for her? Has it occurred to you that she probably isn't glued to her phone when she's with her kids, and has other things to do?

You sound like extremely hard work and very entitled.

Also, if you go to bed at 9pm, that's your problem, not hers. By the time she's put her kids to bed, had dinner, had a chat with her partner about their day etc, it's going to be around that time when she finally gets to devote her attention to anything else. It's not her fault you go to bed when the day's still in single figures.

Nobody is entitled to immediate attention whenever they want it.

Oops wrong post!

Your post is very selfish.
She has two very young children. Life is likely hectic for her.
I try use my phone as little as possible when my kids are home. Many parents do.
At the end of the day I'll often have 12 messages to open and reply to, it's time consuming.

I can understand that she is busy and has limited time to reply.
However is the real problem that she expects you to be instantly available whenever she needs you?
I have an adult DD and if I don’t hear from her for a few days I know she is out having a good time. But the moment she has any kind of problem in her life she’s on the phone to me and expects me to be there sorting it out. I sometimes feel like her emotional support assistant or should be waiting in the cupboard ready to take her calls.

Nothing worse than a contact needy mother, your not your daughters priority at the moment nor should you be. Get a grip.

Unless it’s actually urgent, I think we should all be better at not expecting people to be constantly and immediately available on their phones.

my husband is like this - not chronically online and I think that’s great. I try to find parts of the day when I don’t have my phone on me - walking the dog etc. much better for my mental health when I do this.

My bank does similar I have been putting £12.50 week in it a pot for my emergency fund and it stands at around £262.50 atm.

I do buy things well ahead which helps, for example my daughters current coat was bought at next in the sale THREE YEARS ago hahaha. I bought her coat for september in the recent next sale too.

Yes that is true around birthdays. I am fortunate I still have our merlin passes and we live close to the theme parks and london attractions so that helps. I am just being mkre savvy - for example I had a night out recently to watch Mamma Mia (which I saved for and took overtime when I could) and I just used day tickets for £30 which meant I had enough for cheap bite and my train with the odd spoons drink/greene king (as i get a discount)... it had been an adjustment but I have made it work so far and I have learned a lot!

So she’s not stuck to her phone all day and is presumably attending her very very young children. Yeah YABU.

OP has another daughter - she said that in her second post at 8.04.

I did ask if she is the same with her, but she hasn't responded yet! 😬

#IronyAlert

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OP, I get it. When you say your DD is quick to phone when she wants something it shows that her way of getting your attention -where you have to respond - is by phoning. Why don’t you call her instead of texting?

My son is like this.. he often turns his phone off!

I also agree with the posters saying that we are all FAR too accessible these days. You can message someone and get a response within a few seconds - if they see it quickly and are able to respond straight away. This has made some people expect a message back INSTANTLY. Mobile phones/smartphones have a lot to answer for!!

Not read the whole thread, interested to know if you have a son and if you hold him to these same standards??

You may have 'managed your time' when you had young children but I don't expect you were dealing with text messages? Your DD is managing her time and possibly not using her phone much when she's looking after your grandchildren. I think it's good manners not to read and answer texts when I'm with another adult, so I would extend that courtesy to children. If your message is urgent - when are you coming over - then call her. If it's not urgent - what would you like for birthday next month - then her replying later in the day doesn't matter.

I rest my case!!! The OP has too much time on her hands - like your mum, and my mum!!! Do they forget how busy life was when they were younger with young children?! I haven't forgotten!

I'm not very busy at all, and I still don't usually reply to texts straight away. I reply when I want to.

Obviously I'll reply quickly if it's urgent, but most texts don't fall into that category. Otherwise I'll usually reply by the end of the day, or else the following day. Nobody's ever complained (well, one fairly unpleasant distant cousin did complain once, but I just told her that I don't normally reply to things straight away.)

I'm polite to people. I just don't see why they would expect me to jump to reply to them instantly. I wouldn't expect that of them; they have lives to live and I'm sure my messages aren't their top priority. Why would you think that your daughter needs to reply to you quickly? There's no rush.

Did you have a phone then though with people with 24/7 access to you though?

I don’t have children but even I can appreciate she has her hands full!

Was texting even a thing back then?

My mum expects a fast reply, and despite being full on in life with a 2 year old I try to reply fast, but then it has created a situation where if she doesn't hear from from for 6 or 7 hrs she panics that somethings wrong and sends messages asking if everything is OK. She's retired and has all day to be on her phone and gets alot if pleasure from pics of my son etc but it's become an expectation and for me tbh, a chore as it doesn't fit naturally with my day to be constantly in touch.

The dreaded blue ticks don't help. I'll have time to glance at some messages but can't always stop and reply properly so when she sees he ticks are blue I get "hello??" "Everything OK?" "Well??" Etc.

I think we're actually too accessible and in touch these days, and insecond ehat another poster said, her texting at 9pm is when everyone is down for bed, dinners done and chores are done, she has the mental space to sit and reply to daily messages. It's not necessarily all about you and your bedtime.

You are definitely being unreasonable.
She has 2 small children and a home to run ( work too ? )

Respectfully @GoldenGran I think you need to find more things to occupy your time, maybe some new hobbies, making new friends. I am assuming you don't go out to work? (You never said but it sounds like you're home a lot.) Maybe some volunteer work? I don't know your circumstances as you've not said a lot about yourself, just complained a lot about your busy 'mum of 2' daughter!

I don't mean to sound rude, and I am sorry if it comes across that way, but sometimes when peoples lives slow down, and they're not so busy, it can feel like a lifetime waiting for something, and especially waiting for a text or message back from someone.

My mother used to be on my case if I didn't ring her 4-5 times a week and go and see her 3 times a week. (When I was working 3-4 days a week and had 2 small children! And she never worked!! Ever. She was a SAHM/homemaker all her life) She would make sarcastic remarks like 'I thought you were dead!' and 'been abroad have you?' (after 48 hours of no contact!!!) and occasionally 'you'll wish you'd been in touch more when I'm dead! You will feel so guilty!' (That has never happened, because I KNOW I gave her a lot of my time - and patience!!!)

But yeah, back off and stop demanding so much attention from her. She has left home and has her own family. What about your other child? You say you have 2 girls... Are bothering the other one as much? Are you as annoyed with her? Or does she act a good girl and message you immediately?!

Seriously, my 2 (also girls aged 30-ish) had a phase where they would take a day to message me back, and even now it can take half a day! I am used to it as I know they're busy and I don't mind... Sometimes they message first, sometimes I message them first, and I see them 3-4 times a month (sometimes I and DH go to them - sometimes they come to us.) I work part time (18 hours a week, and have a very small social life,) and they have very busy professional careers (that involve some travelling,) and a busy social life. I don't expect anything from them. They are independent adults, who flew the nest over a decade ago, and I don't expect them to always always text me back within 3 seconds.

YABVVVU, and you need to chill a bit, and back off. The poor woman has enough on her plate with 2 little ones!