AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

You weren’t having to reply to texts from your mother the instant they were received though!

Parents, or rather Mothers today are criticised for their phone use around their children. I'd rather my DD didn't interrupt a conversation, game, bedtime with my grandchildren to reply to me. I had three children and I wasn't constantly contactable, as our generation wasn't. Her children's time is done at 9, so she replies. Do you have to go to bed at 9? That's very early, unless you are up at 5, have COPD etc. We shouldn't be showing this next generation that everything stops to answer our phones. If something is urgent, phone her, she can put you on loudspeaker and carry on sorting the washing etc. Did you interrupt your evenings to chat to people? This is why parents are now extra stressed everyone wants a piece of them 24/7. You don't seem to respect her as an adult and parent, which could be why she is dismissive.

So let’s play this through.

You text when she’s elbow deep in a nappy change - you’re expecting her to leave her baby dirty and naked to spend 90 seconds replying to you? Then she finishes the nappy change and the other child is crying - she should withhold comfort from that child until you’ve had your reply?

Let’s say she gets a minutes peace in the day when both of the children are quiet and occupied - you think this time should be prioritised on you and not on her making herself a cup of tea and having a moment of calm to herself?

There’s no way if you have children who are old enough to have children that there was any requirement on you to “manage your time” to immediately reply to text messages from your parent. That just wasn’t a thing 25 years ago.

And why are you going to bed so early when you know it’s the best window to speak to your daughter. Surely you should be staying up later when she replies so you can have the conversations you want to have. It’s entirely reasonable that 9pm is the slot when she gets chance to catch up on the day and her adult relationships, it’s very selfish of you - not a mother of small children - to not be able to manage your time so that this slot is free in case your daughter needs it.

I’m a pretty selfish person (my sister fondly calls out my narcissistic traits) but even I don’t expect anyone to drop what they’re doing to respond to me texts at my every whim.

And the sort of texts that you can reply to quickly are the unimportant “what are you doing” type texts, and so are reasonable to ignore as their only purpose is to start a longer conversation that she probably doesn’t have time for right then. Anything more important that involves logistics, advice, support requires more brain power and isn’t a quick instantaneous reply, and therefore still has to wait until she has time unless it’s an urgent or emergency matter.

I bet you didn't have you your phoning pinging constantly though. I've had 11 texts/whatsapps this morning, nothing urgent just friends/family chat, but as i've been in a field dog training for most of that time answering wasn't possible. Then when i get a break to catch up it means i'm not doing something else - i'm now having a coffee and replying but not putting the washing out. As mine are all at school i'm not also trying to wrangle babies/toddlers.

Kindly, i think you're underestimating just how supposedly brief/quick texts can add up and become a little overwhelming.

I’m the mother of a baby. It is extremely consuming. And I do not want to expose my baby to digital screens or the phone. You are expecting your daughter to put your needs in front of her daughters right now by constantly checking her phone and making sure she replies. Maybe she wants to actually be present with her children? Have you seen how addictive screens are for them? A lot of parents are making the choice not to expose them to them and to ensure they are emotionally present and not stuck to their phones all day. A lot of kids have been fucked up by parents because of this.

if her mother said can you text me ove got a million quid for you or a new car, do you think she would delay.
There's your answer to being busy.
Not too busy when and if it suits

Maybe it’s a reverse. In which case it’s the daughter and she’ll update at 9pm when she’s not busy…

But yeah, if it isn’t a reverse I thought exactly the same as you. Suspect the thread didn’t go the way they expected.

There's obviously more to this and your relationship....you sound very judgemental of her when you say you managed your time, implying she doesn't.

Well yeah, I mean I usually know where mine is, but I am not always 2 feet away from it. It's in the bedroom now. Sometimes I leave it in the car and don't realise it's there for 4-5 hours. One of my DC or a friend has messaged me 4 hours ago. I say 'ooh sorry for the delay in replying,' but they're like 'didn't realise it had been a while LOL.' To them, it's like they messaged an hour ago because they're busy.

She replies at that time because it’s likely when the kids are asleep and she finally has time. Unless it’s an emergency waiting a day for a mum to babies to reply is no great hardship. I don’t reply to everyone quickly because I’m not their servant who is always on tap - I am not always available to the world and I don’t wish to be. I will reply when convenient as letters used to allow for.

Alternatively, maybe what you text her is really boring.

I had my daughter before the reliance on mobile phones and expectations of texting. I didn’t have time to do a basic manicure, having a very active child (diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 30). I still don’t reply immediately, Mobiles are good for certain things but don’t expect everyone to view them as a priority when they’re busy with young children 🤷‍♀️

Are you trying to have a text conversation or just asking if she needs XYZ from the shop?

But you absolutely wouldn’t have been managing it with a mobile phone and expectations you replied instantly.

Wow! She has two tiny ones - a baby and a toddler (who might as well be a baby for the amount of work they are).

You really expect instant replies at your beck and call from someone in this situation? She’s busy with her kids and rightly prioritising them.

It’s actually really inconsiderate to be forever messaging someone with small kids and expecting their attention (NB - I do not have small kids)

Then you say “9 pm is my bedtime” - as though oblivious to the fact that is likely to be the first time she’s got to sat down / a moment’s peace in the day. And she’s using it to reply to you! Why is your schedule and “bedtime” more important than hers? If you want to interact with her, stay up a bit later!

You say you managed your time - it’s unlikely everyone had a mobile phone at that point unless you were an extremely young Mum. And she is managing her time - she’s leaving non urgent messages til the kids are in bed.

It’s not healthy to feel you need to reply to messages straight away - it’s one of the problems with modern society- this instant access to people’s time thing.

Well done to her for holding her boundaries!

Messages are like letters-they sit on the table until the recipient feels ready to sit down and write a reply.

What you didn't have, though, was the expectation that we should all be available 24/7 due to smart phones. You probably phoned your mum to a fixed schedule, and weren't expected to drop everything during the day to chat. You do not own your daughter's life or time.

Also, she probably doesn't reply at 9pm because that's when you go to bed. She will reply then because she will have got the kids down and it will probably be the first chance she's had all day to take breath.

Instead of thinking about yourself, and thinking about why she isn't making you her priority, why not offer your help and see what you can do for her?

Text and point this out to her. See how quickly she gets back to you! Maybe you can throw in some other things she does badly compared to you.

Not everyone is welded to their phone though! At the moment I don't know where my phone is, it'll be in a pocket, bag, whatever.

I can see why she isn’t in a hurry lol

You're so out of order.
she has young kids, managing her time - though according to your inference she's doing that badly too. No wonder she doesn't prioritise you - and that's right, she should prioritise her kids.

Has it occurred to you that you going to bed at 9pm isn't her problem? She has 2 kids to manage at bed time and god forbid she should want to spend some time with her partner, eat some food, or tidy up after a busy time with kids.

Yeah - you're entitled and ABU.
I suggest you change your attitude unless you want your relationship with her to deteriorate.

'I managed my time' is so passive aggressive and judgemental and also a little bit self absorbed so I'm guessing these things are contributing.

texting late at night when you have young kids is perfectly normal to be honest, I find myself putting things off until the kiddo is in bed. Never mind YOU finding it rude, it's rude to your kids and your husband to be constantly on your phone while you are with them IMO.

So if it is a quick question with a quick answer then I would reply quickly, but if it is a 'how are you' sort of thing, or you KNOW the person is going to immediately keep following up anything you send back, then it would need to wait until you have more time.

What sort of thing are you texting her?

Wow. Have you ever thought about whether or not your attitude has something to do with it?

Asking how are you takes very little time or thought. Any reply, other than OK, takes a bit of thought. If you are talking to somebody it's rude to be texting someone else. Just because somebody is actively on their phone, doesn't mean they can immediately answer every text/email they receive.