AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

God OP, she has a toddler and a 6 month old. You say 'she knows my bedtime is 9'. Well thats nice. By comparison, she he has the crazy bedtime of a toddler and a 6 month old to deal with, which for her comes at the end of a long day of looking after little ones and probably a night before that of bad sleep.

Why does the world need to revolve around you at this moment in time when she has such a heavy load? Wait until she has a spare moment to reply and stop being entitled!

She's also 'managing her time', she's just managing it differently to you because she's a different person.

She might also struggle with her eldest wanting the phone if she so much as looks at it - so she keeps it away so as not to tempt them into wanting to sit and stare at it all the time. Easier not to let them see it than to keep saying 'no' all the time.

@GoldenGran How often are you texting or sending a message to her on WhatsApp?

God if my mum was like this I would honestly refuse to text her back. What a nightmare.

This is the crux of the matter. You seem to think that she is not replying to you because she is mismanaging her time or because she is being rude to you.
This clearly shows that you think you should be a priority. I’m afraid she is trying to show you (rather than tell you) that you are not. I think she IS managing her time - especially as you say that she often knowingly replies as you are going to bed. She doesn’t want to get drawn into conversation with you so she replies when that is less likely to happen.
You need to ask yourself why she doesn’t want to get drawn in. But you seem to think that you are entitled to immediate responses from her and that suggests that you are not yet respecting the fact that she is a an adult, a busy mother of two and she has a life of her own. Someone is being rude in this scenario and it’s not your daughter.

Not rude at all. We don't need to be able to do everything all the time. It's good not to be glued to a phone. And a good example to her children. I take it you don't like her partner very much either. Maybe she knows.

Neither of my daughters (in their 30s) have children, and they can take days to reply to texts. To be honest, I can take days to reply to theirs unless it's obviously urgent. And that's fine. They have busy lives as do I, they know I'm here for them, and our relationship is strong enough that we don't need to reassure each other with instant replies. I treasure the long phone conversations that we have once a week or so, and don't feel the need to be in touch constantly.

Maybe your DD is moving into a phase of her life when your lives are more independent of each other. It can be difficult to get used to that, but it's also a rewarding phase: it's not that your daughter doesn't need or love you any more, but that she needs and loves you differently, as a very, very special adult friend.

My Mum does this. It drives me up the wall!

Well said!

How quickly did you reply to Whatsapps when your children were little?

Oh yeah, you didn't because there wasn't IM 30 years ago...

Everyone has a different messaging style. If I can’t reply immediately I put a heart or other emoji on the WhatsApp message to acknowledge the message or say I’ll get back to you. Other people leave you on read until they have a moment. Others see the notification on their screen so it looks like they haven’t read the message when they have. My phone is always on silent and I check it when I can be bothered. I have no on screen notifications except WhatsApp. My husband gets visibly anxious if he hears my phone buzz and I don’t do anything about it.
I think I am the same approx age as the OP. We grew up in an era with only a landline (which you leapt up to answer when it rang) or letters brought by a postman.

OP, everyone is different. My son takes a day to respond like your daughter does. My daughter sends me 10 messages, 4 videos of her son, 3 photos and numerous instagram reels per day (only a slight exaggeration) Both methods of communication can be annoying.
Cut her some slack. But I suspect this is a reverse.

You are overthinking this

What an absurd comparison. Texting requires you to put down whatever you were holding, take your attention away from whatever you were doing, and try to work out why your mother is needing your instant attention this time and whether it's something that is legitimately urgent or she's just being needy.

A text isn't a summons. If it's urgent, call. If it's not urgent then it doesn't matter if you don't get an instant response.

Did you have a mobile phone with a toddler and a baby? I did and I put it away when I was with them and wouldn't have even noticed messages until I checked it. It's not the same as a landline - it's a massive source of distraction I didn't want around.

We all have our own ways of managing our time. When I had a toddler and baby in the walking hours their needs where my priority. When they slept is when everything these got done including ringing my mum or texting people. That's how I managed my time when they where so little. Just because she manages her time differently to yours dosent mean it's wrong

Maybe this attitude is part of the reason why she doesn't prioritise messaging you back!

This other implied criticism that she only rings when she wants something makes me shudder ....

I have GC and am delighted that my DDs turn to me when they need help of any kind.
But then I feel secure in their love, as they do in mine. I do not need them to be constantly texting me and feeding my emotional needs. I need them to be happy young adults enjoying their children.

I know they will be there for me in times of need. They were my rock during my OH's final illness; and my aim is to be there when they need me but let them.be free.

Maybe give some time and attention to your OH .... they are not with us forever.

@GoldenGran where are you!

posters are messaging you!

why haven’t you replied?!!

what possibly could you be doing that is more important than immediately replying to the messages on this thread?!!!

You could just take your time to reply with help. And maybe ask her with curiosity why she’s dismissive. Maybe she is upset about something but is for some reason unwilling to discuss it?

It is rude. No-one is that busy-it takes the about the same time to send a quick text as it does to fart.

The only way to cure her of it is to do the exact same with her....especially, especially, when she wants something.

See how she likes those onions!

As a mum who is retired with a DD early 30’s who has a baby and a toddler, you are being very unreasonable IMHO. My DD is very busy with baby and toddler groups plus running a home. Her DH does his share but often has to work away. I sometimes don’t receive a response to a text for a couple of days but I know if there’s something urgent she will ring me. Try to get yourself into a routine of not texting during times when she might be busy. Her 9 pm responses might be the first chance she has to respond. For anyone about to ask why don’t I help her as she is so busy, we live in a different country and go over several times a year to do just that!

If it's that important, ring her...you know, the same way she rings you "if she wants something."

Honestly, I'm not overly surprised she's dismissive with you. 9pm is likely the first chance she has had to sit down, hence replying then.

I suspect you didn't have people texting you and expecting immediate replies, though.

And please tell me you realise that no two children are alike? You can't assume your experience is universal to all parents.

But I managed my time. !!!
Now there's an implied criticism of your DD! I find that quite unbelievable ...

Honestly have a little humanity. This is a busy person .... cut her some slack. Even when she does reply you are resentful if the timing.

Go with the flow load her up with love and praise and stop with the resentment!