AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

This.

I thought you were going to say she takes a week to reply!

You're being massively unreasonable

She's replying at 9pm because thats after the kids are in bed and she can now sit down and answer you properly rather than a rushed reply earlier.

I have similar aged children and I do this to my mum. Not on purpose, I just read a message from her and then a child needs me and I forget about it. It happens with everyone who messages me not just my mum. I’m not going to leave my children to cry while I finish replying to messages. My children come first. The same thing is probably happening with your daughter. It won’t be personal, she’s just busy.

Alot of the time my phone is in another room so I don't have to content with all the pings untill I'm ready. The only time my phone is on me all the time is when my teenage children are at school or out so they can get in touch in an emergency.

@GoldenGran, kindly, you have reminded me of one of my mother's "show off moments". For context, the children were about baby and 3.5/4. It must have been a school holiday because ds was home.

She rang mid morning for a chat. I couldn't and said I'd ring back.

Then, from memory, the baby needed feeding, the baby needed changing, ds needed lunch, the baby needed feeding and changing, the baby had a nap, ds got some of my time, the baby woke up and needed feeding and changing, we had a walk to the shop and bit of time in the park, got home and they will have wanted something/needed attention. Then it was tea time, and tidy up time, then bathtime, feed the baby.

Mother rang, totally pissed off and gave me ear ache for not ringing back, I tried to explain and was told to manage my time. The call ended and I was upset at the complete lack of understanding and empathy, it was all about mother.

That call was a one of the lightbulb moments where I started to understand I was not that important to mother beyond the cover. She was nasty.

I still remember that call and the ticking off and being told to manage my time. I had literally not stopped between demands. The saddest thing about remembering ot is that I'm 65 and those children are 31 and 27.

Think on.

Oh for goodness sake, don't be that person.

You can't expect people to be at your beck and call 24/7 just because instant communication now exists and we tend to carry it around with us.

Don't forget that when you were bringing up your children, if someone knocked on your door or rang your landline and you were out or busy or didn't hear it ring - too bad, they missed you and would have to try again later. When your mother was bringing you up, it was a door knock or a letter (and I promise you that a letter did not receive an answer on the same day and the door sometimes simply went unanswered/visitors were asked to call back later).

You've allowed your expectations to creep too high and, to be blunt, need to remember that the world doesn't revolve around you.

I wonder whether your daughter would agree with your username

You didn’t have a mobile phone back then @GoldenGran !!

How often do you text? If it’s frequently, she’s probably having to manage your contact the best way she can. If, when she does reply, she friendly and chatty, I wouldn’t be too worried by the delay. If not, then maybe try less frequent contact and a bit more empathy. If she has a 3 year old and a 6m old, it’s probably 9 by the time she’s got them both to bed and had something to eat! I think you’ve forgotten just how time-consuming and draining it is, looking after two young children. Maybe you did manage things perfectly, but she’s not you. She could have two children who are not good sleepers, which can be hellish!

I take ages to reply to text messages. Part of this is due to raging ADHD, and part of it is due to the resentment of the expectation that I should be constantly and immediately contactable. I'm so fed up of texts, phone calls, voice mails, emails, post, WhatsApp/Facebook messages. And also partly to do with being busy. There's no such thing as sending a quick reply, the other person will try to engage you in conversation and want to know when you will properly reply. I'd rather wait until I can sit and properly consider the message and reply.

Texts generally aren't urgent or important, so don't warrant an immediate response.

Adult children do not owe their parents their time and attention!

Every time my mother tantrums about how I don't put enough time and effort into her I withdraw a little bit more.

Quickly glancing at a message and replying are two very different things especially when you are taking care of a toddler while feeding a baby at the same time. I often don't look at my phone for hours even tho mine are teenagers. As someone else said earlier a txt is not a summons

Not rude she is just busy. She is managing her time and reply to message isn't something that is top of the list.

I never reply to text within 24 hours. My parents are lucky if they get a reply within a week but they know I am busy and if its important will call me. I also reply late evening (anything from 8pm onwards) as that is when I usually have a spare 5 seconds. Its not because I think my mum is in bed that I reply then.

Not always true. I can be in a meeting or on the middle of doing something at work. A message pops us, click the screen and scan it. Responding takes time and headspace I can’t afford.

Ok…..so has two children, they are her priority surely? And her messaging you at 9 in the evening is probably the ideal time for her…….children settled and asleep and she can relax and catch up with family.

A few messages back and forth isn’t going to impact so much on your bedtime routine is it?

If it irks you that she is quick to message when she wants something then take a step back…..don’t be instantly available, it won’t hurt for her to wait a while and remember to check your own schedule before volunteering to demands.

Did you? So did you always reply quick to your mums texts and whatsapps?

Ahhh, no you didn't, because they didn't exist... so it was a lot easier for you to get through the day without those constant interruptions. I expect you know that, but its easier to enjoy feeling superior, isnt it?

That is the main benefit of using text. She can pick it up when she has a free moment not under the pressure of a phone call which she might not be free to take.

I have a 2 year old and 6 month old and can honestly say it often takes me hours to reply to a text. I assume anything sent by text is non urgent so doesn’t require an immediate response and often am just so busy I don’t see it until the kids are both asleep which is about 9pm.

“Managing my time” does not extend to non urgent texts at this stage of life😂

Bloody hell I wonder why she doesn’t rush to text you back 🙄

She may purposely be holding off replying until you've gone to bed, I often do the same. The reason being is I simply don't have the headspace to get into conversations, even simple ones. I know I need to reply, but the thought of having back and forth messages is too much when there's other things going on, or I'm shattered and just want to zone out for a bit.

I also absolutely hate texting in general. Maybe she does too.

Edit as I've just seen your next "but I managed my time" comment. What a dick thing to say. My mother also makes disparaging comments like this about how when she was raising children they all managed with whatever thing she feels I've done wrong.

My mother also has forgotten what real life was like and insists her parenting days were all rosy. As the Queen said, “Recollections may vary”

If I’ve got time to read a message I’ve got time to reply. It takes seconds. That’s the way I view it.

Smartphones didn’t exist then.

I’d be grateful that she is not using her phone constantly in front often her children and able to be more responsive in her parenting. Fragmented attention can be infuriating when you have small children and are constantly trying to manage things, pack things, think ahead and plan. I as trying to write a work email at the end of the workday yesterday whilst breastfeeding one and trying to appease two others, it took all of my self control to cope with constantly having my thoughts interrupted.

Having to break away from your current thought pattern when busy and exhausted to engage with someone else who wants your attention instantly and can contact you any time is a challenge you won’t have experienced. The average person gets an obscene number of notifications per day.

I have 3, nearly 4, children and try to keep my phone away in waking hours/ reply to messages once they’re all in bed and I’ve also devoted time to my relationship.

I think your expectations are too high and saying that a message only takes a minute does not reflect the experience your daughter is having.

My mother used to follow up by ringing the landline,