AIBU to feel hurt by my daughter’s slow replies to messages

I agree.

I make a conscious effort to not be on my phone around my DC.

No one needs to be texting back and forward all day.

OP needs some hobbies or friends.

👏

😂😂😂

You are completely unreasonable. It’s so demanding and selfish of you to expect replies like that.

I avoid being on my phone around my children. I want to set a good example RE screens. I usually reply to messages while they're sleeping or in the evening when they've gone to bed. It worries me that you're reacting like this and haven't shown any empathy. I think you need to have a hard look at your attitude towards your daughter.

She is managing her time. She’s presumably prioritising her children whilst they’re awake - (it’s not great for parents to be on their phones), and she’s replying to you once they’re in bed.

if you said she waited a week to reply I’d agree with you, but getting back to you later the same day is absolutely a non-issue.

My own mum sometimes takes days to answer my texts, it doesn’t both me as she always does in the end, and it helps that she isn’t ’high maintenance’. As a parent to young children you constantly find yourself with txts, emails , class charts etc to deal with. She may set aside some time at the end of the day when the kids are in bed to reply. The fact that she replies the same day is better than I could manage.

Well we're all different obviously but I'd certainly reply to my dm, df or dh and then leave other stuff til later if I'm so busy baking or doing crafts with my dc and have not been on my phone at any point all day.

😂

the problem with some people is that if you reply quickly then they send another reply and it just keeps going.
whereas in my head I’ve ticked that off on my to do list

Tbh OP I see your point, it does annoy me when people take an age to respond.

We all know pretty much everyone has their phone with them all the time now, I have a young child but I still manage to reply to people, not always straight away but usually always within a couple of hours. Only exception would be if I'm in work meetings/without my phone for some reason.

However, that being said, my mum's texts do sometimes annoy me so I'm wondering if this could be the case for your daughter too🙈She never texts me about a topic or with anything to actually say, but will just randomly text saying "Is everything ok?" or "How's things?" and I do find it a bit draining, especially as Iikely have seen her within the last couple of days. I do reply but nothing extensive unless she actually asks about something specific because otherwise it's just the same questions over and over again. There's only so many times I can reply that we're fine when she knows that already because she saw us yesterday.

What kind of messages are you sending her?

No, we dont all scroll on our phone. Some of us even use a PC for mumsnet, you know.

Also, messages will often get prioritise by actuall need or non/urgency. Not by family relations.

Two hours and the OP has not replied to the thread. How rude.

I sometimes don’t reply straight away. Sometimes I need a bit of time to think of what to say. Plus my texts don’t always go through straight away. So I think it’s delivered but I check to see if the person has replied but it’s not even been sent. Or it’s slow sending it. We live in south Cumbria near to the Lake District so visit the lakes a lot and often can’t get a signal.

Haven't had time to read paste first page, but I think pps are giving @GoldenGran a pretty rough ride. I also have two DDs with their own young families and who work outside of the home, leading very busy lives. I can't use the phone any longer due to deafness (unlike when I was a young mother myself and rang my own mother daily, as I was expected to do, but that's a whole other story) so I use text and email to communicate usually on a weekly basis.

I understand that younger people (my DDs are in their 40s) lead very busy lives but those lives are no busier than when I was a working mother in the 1980s/90s. It is almost always me who messages DDs on our family Wattsapp asking how they and their families are. They reply as and when they want to/have time. But if it takes me merely minutes to message them, then why can't they do me the same courtesy.

I don't feel 'hurt' but I do feel angry sometimes at being the one who makes the effort to keep in touch.

This has got to be a wind up surely? Did you have a phone buzzing with texts all day and a mother who wanted an immediate reply while you’re arm deep in poo nappies, whingey children, driving, cooking etc?

if it’s urgent, call. If it’s not, let her reply when she can.

you aren’t the only person messaging her. You are one of many people demanding her attention when she is in one of the most intense periods of her life.

why not pop round and help out and have a chit chat? Otherwise have a think about the demand you’re putting on your relationship over something that she just can’t achieve right now. She isn’t sat there glued to her phone doing nothing - she’s busy.

But you didn't have barrage of text messages when you were bringing up your kids. We didn't even have a home phone till I was about 5 and all phone calls were directed to my great aunt and mum would pick any messages up couple of times a week. Unless it was urgent, in which case aunty would walk to our house to pass information on.
School notes were written in a diary or passed to parents on a sheet of paper torn out of an exercise book.
Now everyone wants you every five seconds.

Your comment about managing your time also sounds incredibly judgmental. If that's what the rest of your communication with your daughter is like, perhaps, she does not want to respond for that reason alone.

When you had your two children, you didn’t have your mother texting you every 5 mins expecting immediate replies.

Messages that no doubt are unimportant daily waddle. Otherwise you would phone her or arrange to visit.

she’s replies at 9 pm because that’s the first chance she gets when the kids are in bed. Your bed time needn’t be her concern.

you are clearly unfulfilled, and jealous that you are not your daughters priority. She is a grown up - leave her be if you want to maintain a good relationship.

She is busy.
Retired, are you?
Leave her alone. She'll reply when she gets to it.
By the way, when you had small children, were there smartphones and pressure to reply to other people's mostly pointless messages immediately?

YABVVVU the whole point now text messages are that they are an unobtrusive method of communication that do not require immediate acknowledgement or response.

She has 2 young children, one who is a small baby. Her time priorities are on her chikdren.

You are a grown ass woman, stop being so needy

Yes, a reply takes seconds. But when there’s many little things to do that “takes seconds” it all adds up.
I’m a teacher. My mum texts me every morning at 11am asking how my day is so far, commenting in the weather, and telling me what she’s up to that day. When I go on my lunch at midday and check my phone, I have mums text. But also maybe a few texts from friends trying to arrange things. An email saying my parcel is out for delivery and I need to divert it to a safe place. A message from my partner saying he’s going shopping on his lunch and do I need anything. Etc etc. I just want to eat my lunch and mark my books from that morning. And I’ve got colleagues in and out of my room wanting stuff. All of those messages may only “take seconds” to reply to, but it’s not just seconds you add it all together. Look at the bigger picture. Your daughter is busy. She’s replying when she’d can.

She's probably busy. Rather than replying at 9pm because she knows that's when you go to bed, she probably does it because that's the first time she gets a moment to herself to do it.
But you saying she is quick enough to ring when she wants something is mean. So is your implied criticism of her when you say you managed your time. That's unneccessary. With two small children I'm sure she's managing her time as best she can.
You need to accept that you're not her no. 1 priority - nor should you be. Perhaps be a bit more supportive.

I sometimes send one or two WhatsApp messages to DS's fiancee each week, usually if I have found something I am thinking of buying for my GC so just want to run it by her. Or sometimes to check some dates for meeting up for a family meal etc. She can often take up to 10 days to reply! I don't mind at all as she has a huge family, so it's not just me she has to reply to! We have a wonderful relationship and I love her to bits, so I definitely don't take it personally. Life's too short.

The expectation of immediate replies is exhausting for everyone. Phones have become so damaging that way - everyone expected to be available and on call 24/7 with thin skinned people taking offense at any delay. People need to spend less time on the phones monitoring each other.

This follow up is judgemental.
Perhaps she knows that if she sends a reply you will then send her a reply, then a quick 20 seconds becomes a pain, hence replying when she knows you’re going to bed. I’m in lots of WhatsApp groups and I mute them because I can’t be bothered with looking for my phone when it pings, answering, then someone 10 minutes later responding to my message and so on. Some people do not walk around with their phones permanently attached to them.

If its a ‘did you remember grandmas birthday’ text, then yes, she could reply instantly, because it takes 2 seconds! If it’s a ‘how are you, did you enjoy x? Then that isnt 2 minutes because it’s opening a conversation. Same as if you bumped into someone in the street! I have two v young children and find it rude when people think I should prioritise them and their need for conversation over my family!