AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

If someone is vocal with hatred about a demographic that I or my children are part of, be that religion, ethnicity or sexuality then no, I would not encourage playdates with that person at all. It's up to use to protect our children from harm and that includes hearing remarks that may make them believe that there is something wrong with them or their family. I would politely decline each and every request for a playdate with this person.

I would go. They might have never met a same-sex family and have some pre-conceptions that will be challenged by meeting you, and at the minimum you'll be giving their child an opportunity to see that there's more than one type of family. You can always leave if it's awkward. If you cancel then you're reinforcing the idea that lesbians are unfriendly and antisocial in her mind.

Of course, you don't have to, it's not your job to educate her or her child, but it might be an opportunity for her to challenge her beliefs.

I’d cancel the play date and tell them why. Will your child go to school with the other child? If not they won’t even remember them in a few years.

It's not about different views and engineering your child's social circle. It's about who you want to spend time with based on the evidence you have. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who had publicly said they don't think fat white middle aged women should leave the house, because I am one and I would be leaving the house to meet them and wouldn't want to explain myself or feel I had to apologise for doing so.

Quite apart from any of this, you can decide you don't want to hang out with someone for any reason you like and you don't have to ask permission off mumsnet either. In some cases it might limit your life (like if you decided you didn't want to hang out with fat white middle aged women) but in others like this one it would probably improve your enjoyment of that day if you cancelled.

I think it's really difficult as a lot of safeguarding is based around someone already having been caught doing something that can be flagged. Maybe we need to devise new methods of safeguarding. I know adoption is already a very heavy process, as is fostering - but that's as it should be. We've already had governments fucking about with adoption processes and safeguarding should always be subject to improvement.

Rather than stopping men from adopting, imo the starting point should be how do we do this as safely as possible. That this baby was able to suffer for that amount of time suggests failings or flaws in the process.

Everybody you know will have all kinds of views you may agree or disagree with and you will likely never even know. It’s a losing battle to try to engineer your child’s social circle based on this. Heck, your child may even have different views to you as they grow. It takes all sorts.

You can have your view. Racists have views too. As do rapists.

Im in two minds about this. Yes.. you absolutely should be able to not hide and you should be able to tell people... but I wouldn't tell someone with extreme views that I'd been reading their facebook posts.. If she's in any way prickly.. she will take immediate offense and it could add to her prejudice. I say this because if it turns out that she's one of those bully parents, then she doesn't deserve any information about OP and I wouldn't put myself in her headlights.

If OP cancels... and stays clear, the other mum will probably drop the invitation naturally or find another person to meet up with. Happens all the time at nursery.

They'll be at nursery a while, there's no need to rush. They'll pass each other at pick up and drop off and will get used to each other. It may give OP time to observe and get a better picture of what this person is really like and guage the right approach.

I couldn't be in their company. And while I wouldn't be bothered about my children associating with them at school, I would be vigilant about any bigoted comments that might be made in or around my children and I would contact the school at the very first suggestion of homophobia (or racism, sexism etc).

I really think people like this need to understand their choice of freedom of hate speech and prejudice and discrimination has consequences. Sad for their children, but...

Troll off.

I don't think you do want to go? Unless you're relishing the idea of proving her wrong somehow, or hiding who you are, it sounds like it's going to be a stressful and weird playdate. You child can certainly manage without it. Outside of nursery hours, the friendship is going nowhere fast!

Yes this exactly, sending a Muslim child to Tommy Robinson’s house like this might help him not be Islamophobic

The comments the person made was in response to the news story with the 2 gay men abusing and murdering an adopted baby. It's an horrific read. Judging someone's response to that specific incident doesn't mean this person hates women who are gay and have a baby! You can have different views on gay women having babies and gay men, I do, in fact I don't think single straight men should be allowed to adopt, it isn't actually about being gay it's about being a man and caring for a non biological child without a woman present. Abuse is far more likely.

There was a post on mumsnet the other day where a woman didn't want her fil to be upstairs playing with his granddaughter even though it was the child's grandad, she just didn't trust any men who weren't related to her with her daughter alone. This had lots of replies saying she was right, even though she said she'd be happy for her own dad to play upstairs alone with her child (the other grandad).

I am sorry you have come across these viewpoints on here. I would absolutely be cancelling and be really nervous about what things might be said to my child via theirs. Alternatively go and just say something about your wife don’t hide it, it’s just if you want to put yourself in a situation where you could possibly face hatred. I can’t believe this is still an issue in 2026!!! It is mad isn’t it.

I'd be very interested in the reasons behind why you have formed this opinion, if you'd care to share, please?

If the play date was at your home, I'd probably cancel, purely because your home should be your safe space and therefore not a place who someone who is fundamentally against your families existence.

But I would still consider attending a play date at a neutral place. You can either choose to chat with the other parent and get a sense of what type of person they are, or you can just keep a polite distance from them while your children play happily.

Hi OP, adoptive mother here. Id say theres no right or wrong decision here but its about your capacity at the time. I dont always want to be the educator of people who dont understand our family dynamic and to have to delicately navigate their clumsy questions so everyone can save face. Also my delicacy can sometimes be on a timer 😂. Its ok to say no just because you know its going to be hard work and the capacity isnt there. At such a young age, id say hanging out at nursery is enough, no playdates isnt going to stop them being friends at nursery.

But that isn't the view the OP is referring to.
The OP has clearly stated multiple times the issue is in reference to same sex couples (irrespective of gender) being allowed to adopt (no surrogacy) children and having access to children.

It's a completely different scenario

And? OP isn’t trying to deny you your rights.

But she has the right to not spend time with you or the other child’s mother and to cancel the play date.
Or do you disagree with that as well?

WTF?

I presume you want to ban all adoptions then given that children died in the hands of heterosexual adoptive parents too? Heck, what about just generally having children?

THIS.

I guess the problem is if the kids have picked up on some stuff there’s a chance they may say something to,your dc. How would you feel if your kid was told something like “my mum says it’s wrong that you have two mums”? If you could see it as a teaching moment, that some people are prejudiced, etc and that sort of attitude is not kind then maybe have the play date. Personally i wouldn’t in your shoes.

if your kids were older they’d be able to process that sort of stuff better, but not so much at their age. Plus I wouldn’t want to spend time with the parents.

Ew, absolutely grim. I’d probably avoid too, to be honest. It’s either that or you having to be stuck in a potential conversation where you’re constantly holding back parts of yourself, which isn’t great either.

It doesn’t really matter what her views are, you are entitled to choose who you spend your time with.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to spend time with someone who had discriminatory views.