AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

I’m glad you decided not to go, I think, especially if you’ve got a lot going on as you say, it would’ve made you feel worse. Even if nothing was said, just the feeling of being in the presence of someone who you know actively disagrees with your whole identity, would make me feel really angry and over-protective of my child. I also just want to say, if you’re struggling with other people’s reactions to you being a same-sex family, it doesn’t have to be like that. My kids are 6 & 8 and we’ve literally never been treated any differently by anyone because of it (apart from on holiday in different countries where it’s assumed one of us is the auntie and sometimes still referred to as auntie even after correcting them! 🙄) But at home everyone we met through nursery, school, various clubs etc has never batted an eyelid. We do live in a pretty liberal area and there were other same-sex parents at nursery, and other kids of same-sex parents in both dcs years at school, so that helps. I don’t know where you live but if you’re finding things difficult could you look for LGBT parenting groups in your area? Try Facebook, there’s quite a few about. It’s a great way to meet other gay parents and for your kids to make friends with kids from a similar family setup. Maybe you need to shrink your ‘bubble’ a bit and only let people in who you know feel 100% positive about your family. 80% of the mum friends in my bubble are lesbians, so it’s completely normalised for my kids.

Exactly- the common denominator is men, whether they’re gay or straight has nothing to do with whether they’re violent or not. Violent men come in all sexualities. The common denominator is their gender NOT their sexuality.

“Violent men have absolutely nothing to do with lesbians” - true, but bashing gay men and suggesting they did this to a child because of their sexuality does have to do with lesbians- most lesbians feel strongly about protecting gay rights. Whether that’s males or females doesn’t make a difference. The way you write & the points you make don’t make a lot of sense (apologies if English isn’t your first language and that’s why)

Nice people do not get swept up and start liking posts calling all gay people pedophiles!

Oh no - there's nothing like being chucked in at the deep end, is there?!! 😂 Going from a couple, two parents of a walking, talking 18 month old overnight is an... interesting... experience!

I'm sure that, compounded with your original post, you still have that massive neon sign above your head flashing and screaming, "I HAVE ONLY BEEN A PARENT FOR X AMOUNT OF WEEKS SO NO, I DON'T YET KNOW HOW TO MANAGE MY CHILD'S BEHAVIOUR." 😂

If that is the case, I promise that does get much easier!!

I would go and be completely honest about your life
it’s then on her to curtail the friendship on those grounds, which means she is taking a happy relationship from her own child
i had similar when I left my husband due to horrific abuse, and my son self harming snfx suffering awful damage my we no longer fitted the nice, perfect middle class world.
fuck them, we are happier than ever, and you will be too

My advice OP, would be to find your local Rainbow Family group for general
support, because there’s nothing like talking to people who will be experiencing or have experience something you have to help you keep in an even keel.

Absolutely understand the point about sometimes not having enough headspace for it all!
Unless they're living it, people who aren't part of the LGBTQ+ community will never understand. I find that even during something so normal as a day out, I can be on edge, clocking people's "dirty looks". I'm working on not giving a shit about any of that, but it's much easier said than done!

One thing to note is that the overwhelming majority of posters here find the homophobes abhorrent. There are many more allies than there are hateful bigots. :)

@Jesstica I'm so sorry you are having do deal with this situation. 2 mums, 2 dads, 1 mum, 1 dad, 1 mum and 1 dad, grandparents, aunts or uncles. Kids get brought up in all sorts of family set ups and dynamics. It is most important that those in a caregiving role to them are loving and nurturing. Whatever gender, relationship or relation they are biologically or by choice. I hope that the bigotry and discrimination stops soon and you can relax around concentrating on parenting, not watching your back. Adoption is not easy, you are amazing for taking on a child and raising them in a loving family.

No one owes you to engage with you or educate you. You are not a child in school or university student; as grown ass person you should pursue your education with your own energy and resources. No one is obligated to use their life to educate you or change your mind UNLESS they want to.

"People who don’t have to live under that sort of scrutiny will never understand it, to them it’s just a talking point or an interesting debate. They can spout away and not have to consider the consequences."

This is so true. My son is in Reception, and I can't begin to tell you the dread I feel when we attend things with other parents, and may end up talking about family dynamics. Or if my wife and I attend something together I waste far too much headspace on worrying about what others will think when they realise our son has two Mams. I absolutely HATE that my brain behaves in that way, but comments on this thread just confirm my worries. It's tiring.

I think that’s the right decision. It can be really difficult when you are part of a specific group that invites a lot of opinions. It makes you feel like you have to be “on” all the time and it can be exhausting. It’s okay to simply be a person - you don’t have to be a representative, and it’s not your responsibility to educate or inform anybody. People who don’t have to live under that sort of scrutiny will never understand it, to them it’s just a talking point or an interesting debate. They can spout away and not have to consider the consequences.

I think this is the right decision.

If your DC was older and forming independent friendships it would be harder to swerve but as a 3 year old nursery child just be busy and move on.

I would hope this family don't choose the same primary school in the future.

But that’s not what was said, is it? So why try and twist it?

I think that poster would be a-okay with anything that didn’t directly affect them.

Do you think you would continue to have this approach if you were dealing with a racist? Do you think you'd be able to change a racist's mind? Do you think you could "understand why they feel the way they do"?

I'm not playing devil's advocate here, these are genuine questions.

Is it really hateful to say every child deserves to have a mother?

Not to mention the child in question is 3 years old! I’d be more worried if the OP wasn’t involved at that age.

Bloody excellent comeback!!!

You forgot to call us snowflakes. Would you like to add that in?

Not wanting to spend time with a person who seems to think your entire family set up and way of life shouldn’t exist is not “virtue signalling”. Would you tell a black American they need to expand their “echo chamber” by hanging out with the KKK? Or a woman she should spend time hanging out with rapists?

Telling a gay person to stop “virtue signalling” because they don’t want to hang out with a homophobe is a disgusting response.

Very easy opinion to have when it's not YOUR family. Would you say the same thing to, say, a white mother of a mixed-heritage child who found out someone was "liking" racist posts? You absolutely would not.

What about the consequences of @Jesstica 's children??

Those comments and gossip will never go away, most will be polite in company. It’s no one else’s business how you structure your family so it is up to you and your DW really on pros and cons. You shouldn’t have to hide and be a recluse. I’d also suggest less dwelling on social media if it affects you or your relationship that much. I think it might show in how you behave act and speak. Everyone has freedom of speech but you are also free to enjoy your life and choose your structure, don’t bother with what others think. Will it matter in 2,5,20 years. People are right to be upset with any abuse of kids but it’s clearly not ok to demonise anyone relating to their sexual orientation, identity and personal choice over family structure. Hope that helps.