AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

Gay people have enough to contend with without being expected to “educate” all and sundry.

I'm sorry you're in this situation - I wish we lived in a world where this just wasn't an issue and you didn't have to worry.

I'd be minimising contact with them because their values are at such variance with yours

I would go, be yourself, talk about your wife and gauge her reaction. If she's weird about it, don't meet again. I have acquaintances with lots of different perspectives than my own. You can't protect your kid from weird views once they are at school, all you can do is counter it at home. I've had to have sooo many talks with my DC about how boys can love boys and girls can love girls, because of weird hetero-normative ideas they've picked up at school.

In your circumstances I would cancel. You don’t need people like that in your life.

There’s a horrendous court case going on ATM. A 13 month old baby in the process of being adopted by 2 gay men. They were both SA him. Some are saying gay men shouldn’t be allowed to adopt. They aren’t just gay men they are also pedophiles who slipped through the net. One of the men was a secondary school teacher a man who people trusted to be around their children.

I would not be socialising with them, I hate opinionated bigots and don’t give them my time.

Hold your head high and tell them why if they ask why you’ve cancelled.

They might come out with the “I didn’t mean you, you’re ok” trope, but I’d give them short shrift on that.

School is a place where you will have to interact with families who have very different lifestyles or views to your own. Strangely enough, the most right-wing, conservative families tend to be extremely nice in real life and you will never suspect they hold those views. Most of them know how to blend in very well with societal standards and a lot of right wing beliefs align with the stereotype of a "good" family. They usually have well-behaved children, strict rules regarding screentime, routines, food and bedtimes and clearly split labour roles such as SAHM vs working father.

There are a few very conservative mums who are extremely active in the school community and PTA. Schools cannot really ban families from volunteering based on political or religious views. To be honest, the best way to deal with these people if you really don't like their ideological beliefs is to distance yourself without making a fuss. School friendships are incredibly transient and even if you go on one playdate, it doesn't mean you're forced to socialise with them forever. If the playdate has already been fixed, just go there and maybe reciprocate but at that age it doesn't mean you've committed yourself to being best friends with Nazis or something.

Another thing is that being performatively woke or "ethically correct" rarely ends up well in the school environment. Things like gossiping about other families, deliberately excluding parents with certain beliefs or making them feel like they're not wanted doesn't solve anything. It will certainly not make them change their views on a certain topic (eg Palestine, Israel, vaccines or immigration) and it will only end up causing unnecessary or sometimes even harmful drama between children.

Why not go to the play date and change her mind. People have all sorts of ideas about all sorts of things that are different to their own lives.

This is a terrible idea tbh. School parent friendships are more like work colleagues and you need to maintain a polite distance at all times. You cannot lecture a colleague on their political or religious views and expect them to change. Even starting a conversation about a controversial topic is not good etiquette. Amongst close friends or family members yes, but trying to get into political topics with colleagues or parents of your children's friends, definitely no.

Why not go to the play date and change her mind. People have all sorts of ideas about all sorts of things that are different to their own lives. I certainly have some prejudice when it comes to gay men using surrogates. I find surrogacy problematic but it doesn’t make me a hateful bigot.

People are far too quick to pigeon hole everyone based on one thought or political view. We are intelligent enough to hold lots of thoughts at the same time and some of those thoughts will be in direct conflict with another. I can hate Trump’s war on Iran whilst also believing the Iranian people have a right to democracy. I can hate that women’s right to single sex spaces have been horribly eroded, but still think that everyone has the right to live authentically as themselves.

Views can cross over and your friend might have agreed with the notion that the country has gone too far with everything being a DEI box ticking activity whilst also being delighted to have you and your wife as friends.

I think it would be odd to send a child of gay parents into the home of someone who hated gay people and thought gay couples shouldn't be parents.

How upset would your DC be if you cancelled? I don't think I'd be encouraging friendship with a homophobic family like that. I'd probably be honest too.

Ah ok fair enough. Sorry I didn't see. In that case I'd give them a wide berth if you do get the impression they're prejudiced against same (female) sex parents. Though I guess maybe the thing they liked or commented on was through ignorance and getting to know you would make them remove their prejudice? But I can see why your DW would rather not chance it.

I’d be giving that a big ole swerve. It’s not just ‘her social media’ like you don’t like her posting videos of her cats. She is expressing support for a belief system that is totally anti what your family is. There are so many lovely open minded families out there to be friends with. I would have no interest at all in this one.

If this was a white family supporting racist propaganda on Facebook, I would hope no one would be like, it’s fine, it will be a great learning experience for your black child!

Thing is op all parents will have views that you don't agree with. If their kids appear happy and well cared for then you make a decision based on that imo.
We had parents in one dcs class who were very pro trans. It never occurred to me that when I liked gc stuff on X it might have marked my card.

It's nursery, it's all about kids socialising and enjoying themselves not their parents beliefs. So either go to soft play or whatever with them or don't but I think in a free country we must accept that others will have different views to us.

Isn't this all her problem? You just turn up and be yourself, if she doesn't approve of your relationship hard luck on her you shouldn't have to pretend you are not who you are. And you might as well get it over with she will find out at some time and then she will have more ammunition that you pretended you weren't gay to mislead her. I would drop something into conversation early on, 'my wife and I... She might be fine about it anyway, what you theoretically think about some type of people (sexual orientation, race, religion) doesn't always hold up when you actually meet some.

One of the less pleasant obligations of being a parent is putting up with the parents of our kids' friends - just as our kids have to put up with the kids of our friends. It's not your job to educate people, but just by interacting with these people, whom you wouldn't normally choose to socialize with, you will hopefully expand their perspective.

I'm sorry I'd be busy this time and see how the land lies a bit over time as to her views. I wouldn't want my kids round this backward thinking shite.

I agree. Not in a same sex marriage but I am an ethnic minority and no way would I want racists in my home. By all means explain if you must but don't feel you have to - they may or may not cop on down the line if they ever see you and your partner together. I'd go as far as inviting other kids to playdates so your little one branches out to other friendships. Sure it's not their child's fault their parents are bigots but again, why invite the drama to your home.

If you do choose to go ahead with it, absolutely don't let your wife hide away. It's her home, it's your family home. Let them squirm and feel awkward. That's on them.

I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. I would probably do the meet up as a little experiment where I would be very nice, open and friendly, without mentioning politics. Just the practicalities of parenting as usual. It might be an important drop in her ocean. And might be interesting to find out who she is beyond her social media likes. “Helping to overcome polarisation one play date at a time” haha.

Otherwise, I hope you get to play with some positive people too.

I wouldn't go
It's not your job to educate the ignorant by being a example of a gay parent

I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying go and be super nice and show her how lovely and normal you are - it's not your job to educate bigots or to prove yourself to anyone.

I really don't think it will massively impact the kids either way, and I wouldn't really want to hang around people like that so I'd just cancel. Life is too short - there's loads of children your child can have play dates with, or she might not have any until she's a bit older and that would be fine too. Most of the play dates I did at that age were at least half so that I could speak to other parents and have some company too, and I would only want to do that with someone I could see myself liking or enjoying their company.

If you still want to go and think it will be nice for your daughter then it's also fine to go and not bring it up, be politely distant and not feel the need to put on some great show of how normal and lovely you are and how valid your family set up is - you really don't have to and she's going to think what she's going to think regardless.

That's horrific, I'm so sorry

I think a lot of people have no problem with two mothers. It's two men raising a child with no mother figure that can be problematic.

i think in your position i would have to address it with the other mum before the play date. Not in an accusatory way, just a calm actual "I saw this... my child's other parent is my DW... if this is something you take issue with, we won't be meeting"

Have you got a “proud gay parent” t-shirt … that is what I would be wearing.

The emboldened knuckle-draggers can fuck right off..

As an aside, my son has a good friend at school who isn't allowed to come to his birthdays or play with him outside of school as we are Jewish. It hasn't changed their school friendship at all which gives me hope for the next generation! So there's a lot of different options for how this could play out in future if it comes up again when they get older.

You may find she has an issue with gay men rather than gay women. Some people are blurgh