AIBU to avoid a playdate because of the parent’s social media ?

I also don’t agree with same-sex couples being allowed to adopt or have children. I’m entitled this view.

I have seen a lot of the comments on this horrific case, and unfortunately I think the gay parent community will get a lot of shit on the back of this, although I suspect it will be mainly gay men rather than gay women who get it the most. I have even seen some official Reform pages suggesting that gay couples are prioritised over straight couples for adoption because of woke ideology being promoted (which we obviously know is not true).

As others have suggested I would do a message like, Hi just so you know I saw your comment on Facebook about this. Just so you know little DCs mother and I are a gay couple. I just wanted to let you know as this has made us feel a bit uncomfortable and we aren’t sure if we should proceed with this play date.

Leaves the ball in their court and they will ideally back down and apologise, and at least if not you know you have tried for the sake of DCs friendship without putting yourselves in an awkward position. I would also ideally get a screenshot of her comment to pass onto the nursery to explain the situation if it gets slightly ugly.

I can see that OP might want to confront this other mum at some stage if she began making comments directly or there was some kind of incident.

But at this early stage, OP doesn't really know her and doesn't owe her any explanations, I think that's getting too involved with this person.

I wouldn’t want to socialise with a parent like that. Kids can be friends at nursery. Play date at this age IS socialising with parents too. I wouldn’t want to deepen the friendship either

I probably would be mysteriously busy though

It isn’t a play date for you, it’s a play date for the children. Just because a child is raised by people with certain views doesn’t mean the child will share them, especially if they meet and get to know people that their parents may otherwise disapprove of.

I think you're right to be cautious op. I think I'd go to the playdate because I think exposure is the best 'cure' to these types of mentalities, if not for the parents at least for their kid. I also think a lot of the time kids end up being more liberally minded than their parents. I know i was always much more open minded than mine (again exposure). Equally, your child is unfortunately going to come across people with this mindset and I'm not sure that I'd start off with an avoidance approach because you're not the problem so why should your child miss out on opportunities to spend time with a friend. For me there's something in there about walking unapologetically through life to model that for your kid.

But, that's what I'd personally do- it's not your job to educate anyone so I think it depends on how you and your wife feel personally and if you decide you'd rather prioritise protecting your peace then that's completely valid. Equally if you feel it would be to your child's detriment or you just would prefer to protect energy and don't want to have to worry about preempting awkwardness then again, you're fully entitled to protect your emotional bandwidth. You know the dynamic better than anyone on here so I think trust your gut. You don't owe anyone anything and as others have said the kids are only little so not old enough to notice if that's what you decide to do. If you're busy and she follows it up then I'd either meet or I'd make a comment like "oh I'll need to check with my wife if we are free" so you're making her aware before and then she either comes in good faith or she bows out.

I wouldn’t go on the play date and I would tell them why. No need for any avoidance or awkwardness (oh your part). I’d emphasise that YOU are the ones who are disgusted by them, and if she doesn’t approve of you that’s not really relevant.

”Hi, I’m not sure if you realised but X has two mums. I’ve seen from your likes/comments on (Facebook page name) that our values really don’t align. I’m not comfortable with my daughter being exposed to your views, so we won’t be attending the play date.”

This is probably a more positive move then my initial suggestion...

You say this as if this the fault or problem of marginalised groups who face bigotry every day and not the people who are cunts to and about them.

I understand your predicament but in reality you are going to mix with many people who don’t support same sex parenting. It’s probably not worth attempting to filter all of these people out of your lives. Accept that people hold views on it, and I agree with a PP to kill them with kindness. They ma change their views, they may not, but ultimately as long as they’re respectful and pleasant to you and your child then I’d carry on as normal.

As a parent of kids who have two mums myself there’s no way I’d be going. If it was a political viewpoint I simply disagreed with but wasn’t reflected in my personal life it wouldn’t bother me, people are allowed different opinions. But this parent’s opinion is deeply offensive to me personally so I wouldn’t be willingly putting myself in a room with anyone with such hateful and ignorant beliefs. You also have to think about your kid. What if she mentions something about being against same sex parents in front of your child (she likely has no idea of your family set up)? That could be deeply damaging for them

I would keep this person at arms lenght, maybe give it time and see if the comments die down. It would be telling if she follows these posters.

I've found that if people are narrow minded or intolerant about one thing.. they are the same about more than just that. the odd ones i met through school were politically intolerant and wanted to convert people to their extreme view points and always had a beef about many different groups in society.

However, if its a bigger group than just her they won't all be like that then I would go and be present and suss it out, but don't get too involved. Edited to add

If it was more of a public playdate lke at a park with a larger group of other mothers. I wouldn't want to go to her house with just one or two other people there, at least until I knew how she would behave.

You'll make other friends.

I'm going to bet she has no idea about your family set up.
Frankly I'd give it a miss...but I'd tell her why. For quite a while you'll be accompanying your child on play dates so why would you want to spend time with someone who holds those views?

I can see why you wouldn't want to go based on what she's been happy to publicly say. But honestly I think a lot of the time people have strong, narrow minded views about groups of people simply because they don't know any. I would be willing to bet she doesn't know you are a same sex couple. So I would just go along and be lovely and nice and normal. And when she does find out, she'll hopefully reflect on her own stupid narrowmindedness. She might not of course.

Women allow it in alot of cases though.
They don't kick them out or take the baby to a place of safety.
They put the men first.
Occasionally women join in too. Re Arthur Labinjo Hughes, Starr Hobson.
There's too much of it around

It's too easy for anyone to just have a baby today and let anyone in the home around the child. Alot of relationships aren't stable and drug taking is often there in the background too.

Major problem. Too many scummy and violent people around today.

I agree. @Jesstica cancel the play date. You’re not under obligation to support all social activities for your children.

just decline and be busy.

these abhorrent people KNOW their views/actions are wrong/illegal.

No amount of education is going to prevent racism/misogyny/child abuse/discrimination or hate crimes.

it’s not the “job” of gay people/minorities/whoever to educate them, the the rest of us who need to keep showing them that the views they hold are wrong. Like we’re trying to suggest that normal decent men need to call their mates out if they’re displaying unacceptable behaviour, it’s not for the victim of their hatred to negotiate with them.

In your position I would be cautious about enabling this friendship outside of nursery/school. By all means do this first playdate, but I would be busy for future offers.

In your post you've written about perhaps waiting until your child is old enough to go independently, but it is the going independently which would worry me the most, and is why I would shut down play-dates at this stage. My kids have a wide variety of school friends, and their parents have shared some pretty batshit views with them over the years.

So, I would be very very cautious about knowingly allowing them to a house which is homophobic when they have same sex parents. Young children are a bit of a law unto themselves and if they pick up homophobic slurs or attitudes it is going to be excruciatingly awkward to deal with that when you're in a same sex relationship!

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. You're not obligated to facilitate every friendship of your child's regardless of the parents' views. You're also not obligated to the be the world's teacher just because you're from a specific demographic. You're allowed to choose who you share space with socially.

In an ideal world adults would be able to navigate social situations with people they don't align with but that's easier said than done depending on who holds which view and it's completely up to the adults in question. My daughter has a good friend and even at 11 they have worked really hard to maintain their friendship through some challenging times but I suspect the mum would cut that friendship off in a heartbeat if she knew one of my specific views. I don't agree with her view but I've opted to keep both my view and my disagreement to myself and facilitate the friendship because the friendship means a lot to my daughter. Their respective parents' politics is irrelevant. In this area it's not by a long shot the only time I have been or will be with parents I don't agree with politically. That's life.

But in this case it's about actively putting yourself in a situation with people who are opposed to you, your relationship, and potentially your family set-up. You don't owe anyone anything.