To expect my family and especially my brother to step up?

I agree with this. In my case by handing over the responsibility for providing to care to outside providers meant that my family member still had meaningful relationships with us. This was a person who had outlived the majority of their friends and family and only had us.

Yes we could have tried a rota of using up our annual leave, travelling cross country to manage their shopping, cleaning and laundry. There wouldn't then have been those opportunities for a laugh and a reminisce over a cup of tea or sending them a postcard from going on holiday. Sometimes something can look very selfless in theory but it doesn't give a good result for the person.

OP you need to think about what your mum needs here and the best way to get it.

Your real issue seems to be that you think it's up to you to decide that your brother is obligated to provide some kind of support that he simply isn't wanting to do.

And whilst you're being hostile to you, I'm also someone 4 years down the line from you, and telling you what I wish someone had told me. Do not set yourself (or you brother) up to be the main carers. Let ASC take that burden, and allow yourself to continue being a loving daughter, not a stressed out, resentful carer. No amount of inheritance is worth the damage that will do to the relationship with your mum and sibling, and the way it will take over and destroy your life and your physical and mental health. Think carefully about what you are willing and able to offer and don't feel guilty about sticking to your boundaries. You and your brother deserve to lead your own, fulfilling lives and not to just exist to care for your Mum. It sounds as though your Mum needs far more care than it is practicable for a family to provide.

I w8sh you good luck, but please, please heed my warning.

Please apply for Attendance Allowance which is not means tested and means your mum could pay for cleaner or carers.

Nope, neither child is obligated to pay for their parent's care. Either OP's mum pays, or ASC pays based on a financial assessment.

As I have said, I HAVE dealt with this. I was bullied, guilted and co-erced into doing far, far more than I was willing or able to do and it destroyed my relationship with my sibling and my parent, not to mention taking a collosal toll on my physical and mental health. It would have been far better all round for my parent to have had professional care. Sibling insisted this wasn't to be (protecting inheritance) then piled it on about me doing "my" half-share. Except I also had to hold down a full time job, parent two children and run my own household around "my half" (which I didn't want to do, and knew I didn't have the health or capacity for), whilst they didn't work, had no family and lived for free off the bank of Mum and Dad.

It was a horrific period of time. I wish I had set and maintained stronger boundaries. You offer what you are willing and able to do, but don't start trying to make your sibling take responsibily for your decision not to leave this to ASC. He is not obligated to provide ANY care of any sort, unless he wishes to do do.

I suppose my DH was "the brother" in a similar situation a few years ago. We live at the other end of the country and any hands on care was impossible. Also, I had recently undergone surgery, which was an added complication. DH realised his sister couldn't do it all either, so kept suggesting a care home. This was, IMO, the only sensible option. He was quite happy to make calls and enquiries but it was difficult to get the full picture from his sister and this made things harder.

In the end, the relative did go into a care home, which was a relief for everyone, but please don't think that just because a relative is miles away, they don't care. Sometimes geography makes things impossible.

What you are doing is not sustainable. Your DB is a selfish twat but if he lives 4 hrs away there’s not much he can do on a practical level. There’s no good reason why he can’t phone her daily etc and I would bluntly tell him this. Show him this thread or list to him in writing what you have done compared to what he has done.

Tell him you’re at breaking point, you can’t do it all any more, and the time has come for you and he to decide together with your DM how she should live in the future. It seems to me that she needs to move into a care home, or a supported living place, or have a live-in carer if she can afford it. Does she own her house? If so, you might find that the thought of his possible inheritance galvanises your DB into action.

It’s nicely worded and lays it all out clearly, but if someone doesn’t want to do it, telling them it’s not optional won’t change anything. Because ultimately, it is optional, in the sense that if he doesn’t do it, no one will force him. You can’t make someone care (either care emotionally, or care physically).

I’m not saying OP shouldn’t send it, her brother should be aware of the situation and the needs involved. But there’s a lot of comments on this thread along the lines of “just tell him he has to” “it’s not a choice” “tell him to pay you instead” “say he has to take her for a week to give you a break” and none of it works for someone who just isn’t going to do it. There is no option to “just make him”.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and for your poor mum - what a horrible thing to happen.

A message for your brother:

I need to be very clear about the situation with Mum.
For the past two weeks I’ve been providing full-time care alongside work and the kids, and I can’t continue like this. It’s not sustainable.
Mum has now lost sight in her eye, and she isn’t able to live independently right now. This means ongoing care needs to be put in place.
From x date, I will not be able to keep doing daily care, hospital runs, and everything else on my own.
We need to divide responsibility properly. I need you to step in and take on a share of this—whether that’s coming to stay with her, having her with you for a period, or taking responsibility for arranging and managing external care.
If you’re not able to do hands-on care, then I need you to take the lead on organising support (social services, carers, finances, etc.), because it can’t all sit with me.
Please come back to me by x day/time with what you can take on so we can put a plan in place.
This isn’t optional anymore—I can’t carry on doing this alone.

Our consciences are clear. This approach meant that our family member was placed in a suitable placement that met their needs and that they felt happy and safe in. If having a sensible conversation with social services and the hospital was an option then we would have taken it. It's a very adversarial system in my experience.

If he can't help out with providing physical care, then he can help out financially. Get him to pay a larger contribution to help you out. Even if your mum is entitled to social care, she will still need extra financial, you to visit to help any additional care, form filling etc... petrol to visit mum or to take her places. Ignore the BS that he says he sorry and grateful and take a chunk of money to help you out instead.

I have no words for anyone who would abandon their elderly parents in that way. Or at least I do but I imagine they’d get me banned.

This is good advice. Social Services are VERY reluctant to act if they think relatives will do it instead

It is not realistic to expect social workers to know what the contribution will be before a financial assessment has taken place. Even after for that matter. The Financial Assessment Team will help with that.

The Care Act combined with each individual's specific circumstances is similar to trying to predict the winning lottery numbers. You have X amount of scenarios outlined in the Care Act, multiplied by X number of variables in each person's, finances, property, people living in their homes etc.

You need to be prepared that your mum may need to make a contribution from her income, particularly if it turns out she needs residential care.

@Blossomtoes Exactly and in @Borntorunfast's situation, I don't see why her brother can't be one of the emergency contacts.

Having her sister added as an emergency contact was extremely helpful to my friend whose Mum had a stroke. Just the fact that she could have some days off from answering the calls.

When my parents eventually went into a care home I added up the number of people who regularly input into their care at home. It was 13 including me. Their cleaner did a massive amount and really stepped up. I still had the mental load and it was only me who got the 4am phone calls. No professional carer is ever going to do that.

@Blossomtoes That's what I've heard from friends who are currently in this situation, that professional carers still need to be monitored, plus the shopping needs to be done, getting Mum/Dad to medical appointments, etc. It doesn't just happen.

My Dad is still relatively independent and can do most of this himself, but I don't see how it's possible to be completely uninvolved when their care needs increase - unless you really don't care about them or the sibling who's doing everything.

No, Mother would have just ended up injuring herself even more, maybe even freezing to death, before Sister turned up and noticed.

But if you hadn't stepped up and done the care, the DSis would have had to accrpt carers, or do the care herself.

FWIW, I do understand, as I was in a similar situation, and was bullied and guilted into providing far, far more care than I was willing or able to provide, and it nearly destroyed me. I wish I'd held my boundaries and point blank refused. It was really because sibling wanted to protect their inheritance. (Sibling did share care).

@Borntorunfast had a very similar situation, worse in some ways because brother was quite local but just cba even to visit.
No way of forcing someone to do the right thing. You can only address your mum's care needs going forward, whether that be care home/supported living/carers going in. Get the social care assessment ASAP and go from there.
You will always carry the resentment against your useless brother who seems to be relying on distance to do nothing. Doubtless he will expect equal inheritance when the time comes, which is another story...