To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

I get it. You are struggling and the assistance from your parents, from your post, appears to be very one sided towards helping your sister.

You need to look at what you can change in your life to give you a break, as yes, parenting small children 24-7 is exhausting.

Maybe be honest with your parents that although you have a husband, as he works away so much you are on your knees. Is there a possibility they could help to give you a break if you spell it out to them?
If they refuse, then you are going to need to look at ways to find that break yourself. Whether that is your husband takes the kids out when he is around, you get in paid help, you suck it up knowing it is temporary until they qualify for free childcare/school, make a mum circle with similar parents so you can do reciprocal child swaps. There will be a way.

I agree with posters saying that it's not the SAHM thing that is the issue, it's the unfair comparison with her sister. I am not a SAHM because I know it is tough. But I took time and effort to build my career before having children. It is very unreasonable to complain about the sister having a great job with flexibility that she worked very hard to get, when OP is not willing to put in the time and effort to have the same. Also it is unreasonable to not realise that very few families can manage on one income, so whether she is happy being a SAHM or not, she is in a relatively privileged position.

OP, the only person who can fix your situation is you. Put your younger child in nursery, go back to work, and build your career. Then you can have the flexibility to go to the gym at lunchtime like your sister does.

It’s usually a voluntary position, and if it’s not suiting you (as it doesn’t suit vast numbers of people), then you always have the option of returning to the workplace.

I think you may have some reading comprehension issues if that’s what you’ve taken from this thread.

All parents have it tough, parenting is just a tough job all round. I personally couldn’t be a SAHP because I would find it too difficult/mind numbing/isolating/tiring. I applaud those who thrive in the role.

The issue people are having here is that OP has insinuated that she should have more support than her sister because she has it ‘easy’ as a single parent, when it’s clear that this woman doesn’t have it easy, she’s worked hard and faces different challenges to OP.

It’s the comparison that people have an issue with.

As others have said, OP would have got more support if she’d have framed it along the lines of her husband being unable to look after both children at once so she could get some downtime, instead of being jealous of her sister. This problem is a DH problem IMO.

I don’t think that is correct. The OP is a SAHP complaining about her non-SAHP sister having it so easy (despite clearly working hard to get there). From many angles it might seem the OP has it easier than most even if she can’t afford a cleaner

What this thread has taught me is Mumsnet seems to hate SAHP. I would never post a thread wanting any support.

Basically you are jealous your sister has progressed her career and you haven’t.

Stop whinging and go get a job, or a hobby!

Everyone’s situation is different. Some single parents get steady, generous financial support from their exes, and some separated couples co-parent really well.

Some husbands/partners are a nightmare. Blow family money on themselves and get pissed all the time. Never help with the graft or covering emergencies.

But you weren’t solely responsible? You had a partner who you could call to discuss things with? Who contributed to your bills?

it’s not remotely the same as being a single parent.

But you weren’t solely responsible were you. Not for the finances for one. This is one of the major burdens of being a lone parent.

And presumably you and your DH decided to have two children close enough in age to both be under school age at the same time and without reliable childcare options.

No choice is ever without its downsides.

It’s not a competition.

Of course some situations are objectively harder than others.

Some ‘easier’ situations will have drawbacks (e.g. SAHP might miss the social life of work) that are real and have consequences for mental health.

ALL parenting is hard, and we have to deal with what is on our plate at any given time. And for any of us, even the very privileged, this can feel overwhelming at times and is deserving of empathy from others.

I hope if my children need help I will be understanding and listen to them without them feeling compared to their siblings.

But the fact the OP isn’t coping needs to be addressed with her husband, It isnt the fault of her sister or her parents.

She and her husband have chosen for her to be a SAHM, presumably because they deem it best for their family. The OP says there is no spare money for a cleaner.

The resentment from the OP for her parents and her sister is misplaced. How she feels about her life is clear from the OP but nobody was presumably forced into this situation so OP needs to take some responsibility and work forwards changing her life if it’s so awful rather than resenting the rest of the family

I can honestly say tha being a SAHM to two small children was MUCH harder than parenting school aged kids whilst working and DH was working away overseas for significant lengths of time. I know it’s not the same as being a single mum but I was solely responsible. But I could nip out at lunch to get a haircut etc when as a SAHM I didn’t do a single thing for myself (including basic medical care) for years because the coordination was too tricky.

And why would you talk about not being able tk afford a cleaner if you are a SAHM?

Then that is a discussion you have either your husband. If he is not giving you time over the weekend that needs to change. I’ve been a single parent of 3 for decades now. It really isn’t easier, I promise.

Well presumably your sister didn’t either, as she ‘worked her way up’ didn’t she? That’s how these things work! Sorry but if you’re not happy with the life you lead, you’re the only one who can change it. Focus on that instead of your jealousy over what you perceive your sister has over you. It shouldn’t be a race to the bottom.

Then get a job.

Your sister has clearly worked hard to get to where she is. She had a child with someone who is clearly happy to step up financially. She is still a single parent.

She may look at you and your life and think you have it easy by affording to be a SAHM.

Rather than resenting her or your parents, you need to take responsibility for how you feel and either accept the situation. or get a job.

I’m the single/lone parent sibling in my family and you just sound incredibly entitled and precious OP to be quite frank. Maybe your sister looks at your life and wishes she had what you had - down to giving her child a sibling and being a family unit with the child’s dad. She’s worked hard for what she has. Picked Herself up from in your own words “going through a lot” What have you done?

You could work - you choose not to.
You could use childcare - you choose not to.

I think the person that you're really pissed of and disappointed with is your DH.

But it's easier and safer to blame your family.

This! It is truly astounding how many people have kids and only when they're holding the baby do they think about childcare and money which then prompts a torrent of whinging and entitled expectations that friends, family and the workplace should all bend solely because they have failed to prepare for the children they have chosen to have.

Honestly? It baffles me that so many couples can no longer parent without relying on their own parents to help them. I know couples like this in real life as well.

We are miles from both sets of parents. We didnt have any help. We just got on with it because we are adults and could actually handle the kids I chose to have.

Where’s your DH? Why isn’t he parenting and supporting you?

And even if youre lucky and don’t particularly have financial pressures, the mental load of paying all the bills, negotiating rates, finding work people etc is all down to you:

mortgage, remortgage, life insurance, house insurance, home maintenance and repairs, electricity, gas, council tax, water rates, refuse, car insurance, tax, MOT, repairs and maintenance, diesel/petrol, health insurance, doctors appointments, prescriptions, school fees, uniform and school bag/supplies, school contributions, remembering £2 every other day for something or other, extra curriculars, school lunches, meal planning and shopping, clothes shoes buying and shopping, days out and holiday clubs, pensions, savings and investments….

The list literally goes on and on and on, and all of the above I have to pay. And even if I’m financially able to pay all the above, it’s the time and brain power it takes throughout the year to budget for all this, ensure you’re getting the best rates, planning and shopping, actually paying the bill.

If someone could take responsibility for even some of those things, it would make my life immeasurably easier.