To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

Unfortunately your original @Unher10 post makes it sound like you are bitter or resentful about how your sister does cope, or perhaps how she has arranged her life, and that your parents are always happy to help, even though your sister doesn't appear to want any help.

We all know that parenting sucks at times. Rather than focusing on your sister, what can you do to make your own life easier at the moment?

Is there something specific that your parents could do to help you?

Have you asked them?

Have they said no?

If your parents can't or won't help, what could you put in place to get some respite?

Is your DH helpful?

Are neither or your DC at nursery yet?

There is no point comparing yourself to your sister. Your lives sound completely different. You need to focus on your own life and making what you have got work as well as it can for you, your DC and your DH.

I didn't vote that you either were or weren't being unreasonable, because I think it's a bit of both.

You only have two kids. You're a stay at home parent. You are married with a supportive husband, and you're not living in poverty. You have it better than many many people. On the other hand, being with two young children day in and day out is relentless and you're not unreasonable in wanting a break now and again.

I also recognize your frustration about everyone feeling like single parents always have it worse, but for another reason. When my kids were very young I was widowed. I had friends who were divorced and would complain about how hard it was to be a single parent, yet they got every other weekend or more to themselves when they could sleep late, go out, and generally just have time to themselves. This was a luxury I couldn't even dream of because I had to parent 24/7/365.

I wonder what your parents think of your husband, and if that factors into their resistance.

You say your sister often works into the evenings, and rarely asks for help; so she does carry a lot, and she's not exactly constantly supported...

I wonder if your parents are thinking:

1. You're at home everyday, so should have more/better control over your time. Are they very capable people who didn't 'struggle as much raising children', so don'tunderstandwhy you're struggling with one at home and one at preschool?

1. It's easier to help with one child than 2.

1. Like your sister's ex, who presumably also has a job, your husband could help more with the children at weekends; allowing you some time to relax.

Are you saying that your DH refuses to look after both of his children at the same time?

Reading between the lines, I wonder if the real issue is that your DH is crap?

I'm in a similar situation to you and, whilst it can be tough, it's laughable to suggest that being a SAHM by choice and with a partner to share the burden is harder than being a single parent who works 4 days a week. The only possible scenario I can imagine that's making you think that you've got it harder is that your husband doesn't pull his weight at all.

Remember, you're choosing to be a SAHM. If you're not enjoying it, go back to work. No, you won't be able to walk straight into a senior position like your sister. But you shouldn't need that level of flexibility anyway.

You and your husband can sort housework and food shopping etc. between you outside of working hours. You can also tell him that you're joining a gym (or whatever) and that you expect him to watch his children during this time, and offer to do the same in return.

If he refuses you have the option of leaving him and being a single mum like your sister.

But you do have that choice and you have decided to not work and stay at home.

'Sat around'. Let me guess, you've never stayed home with your children. I guess you think your childcare workers are just sitting around too.

Honestly this thread is awful. I think @Unher10 has tapped into the most narrow minded judgmental group of people here today.

Thinking about all my phases of parenting, working with one at nursery and one at school was hard. Demands and logistics and sometimes feeling like a failure in everything.

What was harder (by a long way) was having two at home on mat leave. Do people forget this or was it just me? I mean it was a privilege and I am glad I had that time but good god, I was thankful also to be back at work. It was so hard. The never ending, 24/7, monotony. I began to think of my work days as "days off" when I went back. And suddenly the expectation (self inflicted) that I do everything, just lifted. I mean some people may see SAHP as the dream but for me, it was very far from a picnic.

I hear you op. I think you have a tough gig and (so clearly demonstrated by this thread) people think you have it easy. And that somehow makes it even harder. Not sure I have advice. Just sympathy.

Anything except get a job and work your way up?
If she has it easy, put your kids in nursery, get a job and you too will have an easy life …..

I can’t work out why your husband can’t give you a break?

Well you need to figure this out with your husband and don’t blame it on your parents/sister.

It doesn't sound harder to me. If your husband doesn't parent enough and leaves everything to you, then deal with that situation. Don't whinge about your sister because you made different choices to her.

You chose to 1) have 2 children and 2) be a SAHM.

She did not choose to be a single parent.

Therein lies a huge difference.

If you want flexibility start your own business that works for you.

you want what your sister has but without putting in the required work/effort.

put yourself in her shoes, I bet she would love to have a hubby out working all hrs so she could be a stay at home mum. But thats not her situation, she is working hard in her job & also in her private life as she is doing the majority of it solo.

but somehow you are hard done by

But you’re parenting non stop because you want to. You could have only had one child and be back at work.

So you are married, without financial worries and don't even have a job, and you think you are hard done by?!? Ffs.

Do you really think that this is a choice, or more specifically NOT having a senior job with large salary and flexibility is a choice. Most people who work hard don't manage this. It's as much a reflection on the economy, the job market in a particular area, timing, location as it is on the person. Even then its not just about ambition or the willingness to work. Its about natural ability, energy levels, health personality and bloody pot luck. It's incredibly arrogant to assume people who aren't successful simply choose not to be or are too lazy.

What the hell are you talking about?

You're right it's not comparable.
You have a husband she doesn't. I used to be married to a husband who worked very long hours and worked away a lot of the time too. I found it very tough and I struggled but it was in no way comparable to my life now as a single parent.
If it's time away from the children you need then you have the option to work. If it's more free time you need then you should be asking your DH for more support rather than your parents.

SHE's the dick??!

Some of these responses would be beneath the cattiest girl in a group of 15 year old mean girls.

Being a SAHM shouldn’t mean being on SAHM - it’s not an inherent part of it.

If she is, she’s got a problem with her husband. Unless he’s forces or something, I guess.

It’s quite offensive to say a SAHM with a husband has it “much harder” than a full time working single mother.

No, she’s put in the graft for years and years.

I think you need to take some responsibility for your situation. You’ve chosen to be a stay at home mum, you’ve chosen not to put your youngest in nursery, you’ve chosen not to establish a career like your sister, you’ve chosen to have two children.

It sounds like your sister is doing the best she can with some circumstances outside of her control, but I can’t see which of the things you are complaining about are from choices you havent made yourself

Ah I see! Yeah it’s a pain that you can’t edit to add quotes back in.

First response and you’re such a dick😂

I felt overwhelmed as a stay at home mum - we have twins but it was more than that. Later disagnosed as adhd - problems with exec function