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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my adult son to contribute to household bills?

105 replies

Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 09:59

I have a 20 year old ds and he's just started a new job ive got myself in debt due to him refusing to apply for uc for 9 months and has been living in the home but I have asked for some help with home bills and he's refused as he said he's gotta buy a car am I as a parent being unreasonable for asking for some rent/shopping every month?

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/04/2026 10:48

Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:44

Bless ur heart its hard to try and reason with the adult kids but when it comes down to living in his own accoodation he will get a shock as he will have to pay bills if he got his own place he would have to pay rent other wise he would be evicted.. I take my hat off to you having 3 bless ur heart well done to you ur amazing

Show quote history

I've been there. If they don't wise up on their own, you have to be cruel to be kind (to them as much as to yourself). Allowing them to be selfish and greedy isn't doing them any favours.

On one occasion, I had to spell out that my adult DC was selfish and entitled by allowing their mother to work a 50 hour week, while they swanned around doing 10 hours work yet still expecting food in the fridge, heating on whenever they wanted, able to invite friends in for snacks/drinks. It didn't go down well. And I had to ram home the message on several other occasions (and there were rows and a lot of bad feeling). But now, 3 years on, they are happily settled in their own home and regard coming to dinner at mine as a treat now.

Lurker85 · 20/04/2026 10:47

Well kids aren’t allowed to buy cars or have jobs so tell him to either shove a dummy in or pay up

YourWinter · 20/04/2026 10:47

I left school at 16, after O levels, and started full time two weeks later. From my very first payday my mother insisted I pay 25% of it to her for my keep. I moved into a bedsit at 19 but in those three years I never skipped paying her.

My eldest objected when I expected her to pay, saying why should she pay to live in her own home? She moved into to her boyfriend’s shared house briefly, then they both can’t to live here, and each paid £200 a month, as did my younger kids when they started full time work.

ETA I was a single parent from when they were 11, 9 and 5, and was working too.

Original poster
Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:44

lazyarse123 · 20/04/2026 10:38

Sorry @Dilemmame if I came across as snippy. It's easy to say make him leave but not easy to do.
I have 3 adult kids. They have all left home now, all were brought up the same dd will happily pay anything she was asked, ds1 is an entitled so and so and when he did pay usually borrowed it back, ds2 will pay but just exactly what is asked for (he's very careful with money).
I do remember putting ds2 rent up and he queried it so I explained it as think of it as a house share, at that time there were 3 of us living there so I told him the price of everything divided by 3. I went on for about 15 minutes listing everything and he was begging me to stop but now he has his own home he is very capable when budgeting.

Bless ur heart its hard to try and reason with the adult kids but when it comes down to living in his own accoodation he will get a shock as he will have to pay bills if he got his own place he would have to pay rent other wise he would be evicted.. I take my hat off to you having 3 bless ur heart well done to you ur amazing

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 20/04/2026 10:44

Can you ask yourself the question 'why do I think that he shouldn't need to?' Because in most households it's a given that adult children contribute to some of the costs they help to run up if they are earning.

Onmytod24 · 20/04/2026 10:43

You’re not being greedy your son is an adult now it’s not a child to be looked after. He should be giving you roughly a third of his wages. You’ve brought him up well he knows what he should be doing. He feels like he can get away with it by pretending to be the little boy that he is not.

SmallBlondeMum · 20/04/2026 10:42

Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:21

Thank-you for ur reply im not happy with him at all ive not brought him up this way either which has really made me feel like rubbish

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You have brought him up exactly that way.

You said it yourself, you got in debt as he wouldn't claim UC. He was an adult yet you did that.

I don't agree with this idea of adult DC paying token rents. The bills should be split with all the adults in the household.

Anywherebuthere · 20/04/2026 10:42

Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:20

I have told him but he's come back at me with your my mum.its ur job to look after ur kids..

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If he is a healthy able adult, he should be contributing where necessary.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/04/2026 10:42

Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:20

I have told him but he's come back at me with your my mum.its ur job to look after ur kids..

Show quote history

He's not a kid. He's a 20 year old man with a job. Men don't live with their mums. (Or if they do, they contribute to the household.)

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/04/2026 10:42

Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:20

I have told him but he's come back at me with your my mum.its ur job to look after ur kids..

Show quote history

He's not a kid. He's a 20 year old man with a job. Men don't live with their mums. (Or if they do, they contribute to the household.)

lazyarse123 · 20/04/2026 10:41

YourShyLion · 20/04/2026 10:30

He's absolutely right.

Why has that particular nine months put you in debt when he's presumably been part of your household since he was born?

You sound like you're very grabby and see him as a cash cow to solve problems you got yourself into.

Wow. That's nasty.
He's an adult not a child.

Original poster
Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:39

YourShyLion · 20/04/2026 10:30

He's absolutely right.

Why has that particular nine months put you in debt when he's presumably been part of your household since he was born?

You sound like you're very grabby and see him as a cash cow to solve problems you got yourself into.

Your opinion is very valid im a parent carer for his 7 year old sister snd because his monies stopped as he is an adult i had to budget my part of monies on food and bills for him rather than me as im on uc and carers except he has a very limited foods he will eat snd he is mostly eating takeaways which I could not afford as ive only got monies in for 1 child and 1 adult i wish I could go out to work and earn more but im not able to get child care which has caused me to get in debt as ive had to cover for bills amd rent and food for 2 adults amd 1 child which has not been possible so yes I am being greedy by asking him as ive gotta pay back monies that I should not have got thank-you for your honest opinion

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 20/04/2026 10:38

Sorry @Dilemmame if I came across as snippy. It's easy to say make him leave but not easy to do.
I have 3 adult kids. They have all left home now, all were brought up the same dd will happily pay anything she was asked, ds1 is an entitled so and so and when he did pay usually borrowed it back, ds2 will pay but just exactly what is asked for (he's very careful with money).
I do remember putting ds2 rent up and he queried it so I explained it as think of it as a house share, at that time there were 3 of us living there so I told him the price of everything divided by 3. I went on for about 15 minutes listing everything and he was begging me to stop but now he has his own home he is very capable when budgeting.

LadyDanburysHat · 20/04/2026 10:36

YourShyLion · 20/04/2026 10:30

He's absolutely right.

Why has that particular nine months put you in debt when he's presumably been part of your household since he was born?

You sound like you're very grabby and see him as a cash cow to solve problems you got yourself into.

WTF?! She did take care of her child. He is now an adult. How long should a parent support a child? Should a mother in her 70s support a 40 something child?

AmberSpy · 20/04/2026 10:33

YourShyLion · 20/04/2026 10:30

He's absolutely right.

Why has that particular nine months put you in debt when he's presumably been part of your household since he was born?

You sound like you're very grabby and see him as a cash cow to solve problems you got yourself into.

Why should an adult man with a job not be expected to contribute to living expenses?

rwalker · 20/04/2026 10:32

Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:20

I have told him but he's come back at me with your my mum.its ur job to look after ur kids..

Show quote history

That financial ship has sailed at 20

in his defence ( if there is any ) does he know how much it cost to run a house

YourShyLion · 20/04/2026 10:30

He's absolutely right.

Why has that particular nine months put you in debt when he's presumably been part of your household since he was born?

You sound like you're very grabby and see him as a cash cow to solve problems you got yourself into.

Original poster
Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:26

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/04/2026 10:06

Pay or move out. Give him a get out by date. Tell him you're going to rent his room out for 100 a week but he can have it for 50 a week if he would like to stay.

This is so valid i may have to look into these options

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:23

TeenLifeMum · 20/04/2026 10:03

We paid 10% rent after 3 months in a job post education. You may need to ask for 20% depending on your needs (my parents didn’t need the money and it was more to teach budgeting).

He pays or moves out. He’s no longer your financial responsibility!

Thank-you for your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:22

Star2004k · 20/04/2026 10:13

Make him aware that it’s possible to do both, pay bills and save for a car.

In fact it is a great safe environment for him to start budgeting like an adult. He needs to grow up and learn, it’s like that in the real world, your bills don’t just stop because you’re saving for something.

That said it depends on how much he is earning, so either pay like a lodger or put one or two bills in his name with the direct debit coming straight out of his account. Which also helps him build his credit score.

Thanku for ur reply 💓

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:21

lazyarse123 · 20/04/2026 10:03

Exactly this. Entitled little shit.

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Thank-you for ur reply im not happy with him at all ive not brought him up this way either which has really made me feel like rubbish

OP posts:
Original poster
Dilemmame · 20/04/2026 10:20

Namechangetheyarewatching · 20/04/2026 10:01

Tell him to move out and make his own way in life, the bank of mum is now closed!!

I have told him but he's come back at me with your my mum.its ur job to look after ur kids..

OP posts:
Star2004k · 20/04/2026 10:13

Make him aware that it’s possible to do both, pay bills and save for a car.

In fact it is a great safe environment for him to start budgeting like an adult. He needs to grow up and learn, it’s like that in the real world, your bills don’t just stop because you’re saving for something.

That said it depends on how much he is earning, so either pay like a lodger or put one or two bills in his name with the direct debit coming straight out of his account. Which also helps him build his credit score.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/04/2026 10:09

Living expenses before a car.

He either pays you a decent sum for rent or he moves out.

In the meantime, if there is a meantime, make it clear you are each shopping and cooking separately from now on.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/04/2026 10:06

Pay or move out. Give him a get out by date. Tell him you're going to rent his room out for 100 a week but he can have it for 50 a week if he would like to stay.