AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

There is a reason he split from his wife/mother of his child.

He’s a selfish arse who prioritises himself. Those sentences tell you everything - that he simply doesn’t care about you (and seems to be using you). I would leave.

Good catch!

They probably didn't plan it this way, but it sure works in their favour.

It’s because there are men like him that the term nanny with a fanny is well used on this forum. He sees you as childcare and a domestic appliance who keeps the bed warm enabling him to do what the fuck he wants when he wants

Hes a selfish prick whose only priority is himself. Everyone else - you and his dd - come second to him doing exactly what he wants.

What do you honestly get out of this relationship?

'im asking for one day a month, im finding it hard to see that as excessive!'

It isn't excessive. It isn't even almost enough and he still doesn't want to. He's saying no to you. Move on.

I would try to combine hobbies and family life to whatever extent is possible, eg I liked running, so the kids go beside us on bikes while the adults run, or swimming, but we took it in turns to have "breaks" where one adult actually went off to swim properly while the other plays with the kids. Obviously it's dependent on the age/ability and choice of hobby-you can't train seriously with kids, and don't you say his training is his "work"?
But it is obviously extra difficult for you in your situation, and I do think family comes first too.

You are a nanny with a fanny.
LTB

OP I also notice that you emphasise in your post that you love being a stepmum, and you're "open to being flamed".

It sounds to me that you're putting pressure on yourself around being a good enough stepmum - ask yourself where that is coming from? your partner? or society's messages about step parenthood? Are you worried you need to be the stepmum your partner wants to keep the relationship?

You are putting yourself way last at the moment and losing sight of what a truly respectful and loving relationship is. You shouldn't have to erase your own needs.

The weeknights his daughter is with you, go out, he only gets to train because he has you there to look after her.
Doesn’t sound like there’s any time in the week for you to have a hobby.

Your role is to play house, babysit his daughter when he wants to go hobbying, warm his bed, help pay the bills.

This OP. He doesn't value you as a human being but what you can do for him. It's time to move out and let him actually parent his own child by himself. Find a better life, preferably with people who respect and like you. He doesn't.

This. I’m sorry OP but at least you can’t complain that he wasn’t honest about how he values his time with you.

you deserve so much more.

So mum gets to work and earn extra cash, your DP gets to train and do other hobbies as much as he likes, all while little old you are left home babysitting their kid once she’s in bed.

Run!

I would make my own plans at the weekend when his little girl is there and when hes heading off to the golf say "you can't go to the golf Brian, who will be here to look after Jenny? Ive got plans with the girls".

You are not a glorified babysitter.

@Happywhen start going out each evening. Anywhere for any length of time. Just to disrupt his schedule where he has to stay put once his kid goes to bed. Who cares if he misses his hobby or training, not your problem, it comes with being a parent.

Once he realises how much he is having to stay in because he has a child, he then may start appreciating what you have actually been giving him - a great deal of help. Once he realises this, he may just feel he owes you ‘that’ day together.

But, you really shouldn’t have to work so hard for him to appreciate you and want to spend time with you. I still suggest LTB. Leave him in the lurch, his self-centred arse deserves it!

I think it’s awful that he goes off and leaves OP to babysit.
That’s why I’d like to know how long they’ve been together.

I actually haven’t heard of this happening very often at all.
When you don’t have your child FT, then you use the child free days to do your hobbies.
You don’t leave them with your partner.

I understand that sometimes there will be things that he can only do on his child free day like a festival with his friends etc and I don’t think OP should begrudge this but I shop understand why she wants some 1-1 time.

I’m just wondering what OP gets out of this.

As I said, even though I have DCs I wouldn’t be with a man who had young DCs and if I had no DCs I probably wouldn’t be with a man who did.

I was waiting for someone to say nanny with a fanny

how long have you been together

and yes if you weren’t there he couldnt do his 3 a week trainings

yet cant give you a night

I'd never heard of the term 'nanny with a fanny' until joining MN, but it seems completely appropriate here.

He promised to organise a day for the two of you on his once a month child-free Saturday. Instead he has organised himself a weekend of golf including an overnight stay. And is then sulking because you're upset.

This is not acceptable in a healthy loving relationship, OP.

He is very careful to consistently allocate time out of his busy life to train for a marathon or play golf.

But not to spend time with you.

It's sad, OP, but it sounds like this relationship has run it's course.

💐

But it’s not the only time he has to do what he wants. OP has clearly said he goes out - to do whatever he wants to do - once the kid is in bed, leaving her at home (to play mum, rather than his partner!).

I’d understand your point if he spent the evenings with OP, but he doesn’t - he runs off doing his hobbies and then he still wants his free day.

He’s clearly having his cake and eating it!

YANBU. It sounds like he was just looking for a step-mum for his DD to be honest.

"how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

That's really sad and quite telling. Doing something with you isn't something he enjoys. You just slot in to his life as a parent, when his DD isn't there he wants to be off out with other people. I'd be reconsidering the relationship if I was you.

Seems to be in addition to the three nights a week he is blowing off spending time parenting.

He’s not that into you.

if he wanted to spend time with you he would prioritise it.

Instead he prioritises what he is interested in - his hobbies.

you need to
move on.

@Happywhen from reading your OP (not updates), I instantly felt he is actually using you as a babysitter. If you didn’t live there how would his hobby’s and training for a marathon be affected?

Just because the little one is in bed, she’s still his responsibility, not yours. Once she’s in bed, he gets to do what he wants and it isn’t time with you. You’re left babysitting. He also has your adult company and to share the load of caring for her whilst she’s awake and then he doesn’t even have the grace to recognise any of this by taking you out / spending time with you on the only free day he has!

If you can easily LTB, then you should. He’s always going to take advantage of you I’m afraid. Go find someone who’ll appreciate you more than being a stand-in parent.

Arrange your own hobby / event on the evenings he has his daughter and expects to swan off leaving you as childcare.

No way should you be facilitating him like this.

You are a stand-in mum.

And he'd rather be out doing hobbies than spending time with you (or his DD when she's around).

Your role is to play house, babysit his daughter when he wants to go hobbying, warm his bed, help pay the bills.

And when he gets time to himself, not demand he spend it with you.

He is taking you massively for granted, especially since you have raised this as an issue with him.

He's being entirely honest with you.

how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?

Read that back to yourself. Spending time with you is not what he enjoys.
You're convenient to have around but not enjoyable.
Nice.

You deserve more than being a free nanny/bill sharer/bed companion.