AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

Do you have children of your own? Once you do you will find that couples ‘me time’ never happens. Sad fact of life and a sacrifice most of us are happy to make

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

It’s only work if he’s getting paid, OP. Is he an elite athlete, @Happywhen ?

He's using you as a nanny /housekeeper

love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

Sounds like now he has secured the nanny for his dc and someone to share bills and chores with, he has checked out.

Leave him before you have kids with him.

YANBU. How long have you been together? Has he always left you to be in charge of his daughter while he does his hobbies in the evening and wants to swan off to play golf at weekends?
Agree with others that he sees you as free childcare. What would he do if you weren't available during the evenings to look after his child? Would be make other arrangements then for childcare or would he bin the hobbies? Even worse, would he then want to stop his daughter staying so often?

No Yanbu.
Start making your own plans on the evenings and weekends. He's the one who should be at home when his daughter is in bed, he's the parent. Not you.
Be unavailable for the 'free childcare'.

It’s not about the one weekend day a month it’s about his priorities. He prioritises his hobby/ time away over his dd and you. Which is crap all you are asking is to do something nice that together on your one free day together and have quality time and he’s rejected that. He wants you there as background filler, someone to eat with, go to bed with and hang out as a family rather than being a person he makes time for.
The fact that he arranges his hobbles and asks you or grandparents to babysit is al so concerning, one off events fine but regularly is not on. You need to assume if you intend to have kids with this man that you would be the default parent and he would continue to prioritise his needs over yours and his children. And even if you don’t want/plan children you and his dd are always second choice over his needs /wants.

OP, you’re pumping for oil in a well that’s dried up. He doesn’t want to spend quality time with you, and is making himself out to be the victim.

I can see both sides here… he definitely needs to make an effort to carve out child free time for you. But equally he should be able to spend his one child free day a month doing something he likes sometimes. Playing golf of an evening isn’t quite the same! Could you compromise and alternate months? And then also find a week night a month to set aside for an actual date night?

Definitely time for you to take up hobbies on the nights when the little girl is with her daddy and he needs one-on-one time with her. Look around for gym/dance classes, take Spanish lessons, learn to paint, do an OU course, meet up with the girls every week, too. YOU are the one who is free to go out as you choose, not him. He has no right at all to leave you at home with HIS child. Just wait till tea is over, he does the dishes, while you gather up your books, put on your gym gear and off you go, without a single backward glance. NOT YOUR PROBLEM, OP!!

You need to move out. You’ll find that he’ll prioritise finding another free nanny/housekeeper over dating you. Then you’ll be free to find someone who likes you.

You know how people say that a lot of men just don’t like women very much? That our society is predominantly heterosexual but homosocial - men only admire, are interested in and choose to spend time with other men? Your ‘DP’ is an exemplar.

You're the nanny. Even better, a really daft one that doesn't expect to be paid and also helps pay the bills.

Why would he want to hang out with the staff when he has golf to play? He can get a shag at night, no need to waste valuable golf time listening to you chatter.

Throw him out, OP, if he actually liked you he would spend time with you.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time.

@Happywhen
You're not high on his list of priorities.

He sees you as someone who facilities his life, an extra pair of hands on family days out, someone to be at home keeping an eye on his DD while hes out hobbying.

I assume you make a financial contribution to your shared home including the extras required when his DD is with you?

He's got it made, hasn't he?

He lives his life to the full to the detriment of your happiness and you're unreasonable when you want one day a month? Unbelievable!

I'd really have a rethink on your relationship if I were you, it's not going to get better.
❤️

If he wanted to spend more time with you alone, he would. He'd rather play golf and, in the evenings, train for a marathon while you mind his daughter. I'd be leaving - there has to be more to life than this. To be honest, if I was child-free I wouldn't consider a man with a child. Children cost money, time and effort - all stuff that that wouldn't be lavished on me. I never wanted to play stepmother to somebody else's child when I hoped to have my own. And I certainly wouldn't be doing it for the convenience of the ex-partner either.

My husband adores golf. He knew better though than to play at the weekends. Luckily working for himself he could play midweek. He didn't even think to leave me dealing with the childcare after working all week to fit in a round of golf. And at least they were my children.

Oh dear. Sorry but it sounds like he isn’t interested in you or in spending time with you at all - he’s told you so very clearly. He sees you as a domestic appliance. Now you’re glitching and he’s throwing a toddler strop to push ‘Mummy’ back into your box.

sorry in advance- didn’t mean to reply on this message! Typing on phone agh

I’m wondering what would happen if you stay with him longer term and capitulate, have kids with him if that’s the plan - you can now already see where you will be-and he is already showing you how he will behave- you will be stuck at home with kids carrying the mental load whilst he goes and fulfils his dreams / hobbies as if he was single. A good relationship extends the other person but does he extend you as a person? I suspect not. You will carry a lifetime of resentment if you stay and the loneliness will eventually destroy you. If he really cared about you, your feelings would matter. Sadly, your feelings don’t matter to him. It is better to be on your own and alone with choices than stuck miserable in a lonely relationship. Ask yourself- given how this man shows up for you- do you really want to have time alone with him? What does the time alone with him really mean for you? Write out the answer to that question then read it back to yourself . These are your needs in the relationship. Currently they are going unmet. This will only continue if you stay. I’m sorry because I know it will be hard to go but better now than 10 years down the line.

That was exactly what struck me. I don't think I could come back from that comment.

It will all end up being petty and then explode. But if you want to give him a taste of what he doesn’t understand I’d be out doing my ‘work’ training on something (round my mates for a coffee) so he can’t do his ‘work’ training for a marathon if that means you’re babysitting Both him and his ex have an unpaid babysitter with you feeling guilty about potentially not doing it as you like the child.

Trouble is he’ll probably get his Dad to ‘cover’ you and you’ll not get anywhere.

I can’t quite work out if you live together as you say you’re there every weekend but you go to bed together every night. Difficult OP, prioritise your life and have a good think about where it’s not heading. Marriage and a child with him? Errrrr maybe not.

I have been in a similar(ish) position and ultimately it didn’t matter how much I complained about wanting time together. He knows exactly what you’re wanting, he just doesn’t want to do it.

Your options are either leaving or if you’re not ready to do that, start booking things yourself so he has a taste of what it’s like. His daughter is still his responsibility even if she’s in bed, he’s using you as a nanny.

He doesn't prioritise you at all, not even on your anniversary (how many years have you been together?).

He doesn't respect you - he promised to organise something for the two of you on the next child-free Saturday, then booked an o/n golf trip for himself. Then said it was your fault because you hadn't booked anything so "he didn't think you were doing anything ".

He thinks eating dinner a few nights a week and sleeping together every night should be enough 'together' time for you.

Do you do most if not all of the cooking and cleaning too?
And pay half of everything?
You're not married, so would have no claim on anything when you split up ...

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't even like you very much, let alone love, cherish, and respect you.

I would make my own plan for next weekend- packing up and moving out.

The point went right over your head there, didn’t it?

Spectacular example of being deliberately obtuse 🙄.

I agree with the 2 posters quoted above.

You should not have to beg or cajole a partner to spend time with you. It’s really bad for your self esteem
when you do that.

He is making plans for time when the DD is around (great), then making plans for his hobbies (running) but when he gets a free day he plans golf - where is the space in his life for you?

I would move on.

This. He thinks of you as a piece of the furniture of his life / something on his to do list, not someone to cherish and enjoy spending time with. He didn't even want to go out for an anniversary meal with you! This would make me feel so sad

Have you pointed out he couldn’t train for his marathon if you weren’t on the house once his D was asleep?

I would be fuming at golf generally.

Honestly I would move out. He’s all take take take and that to me is just boring if nothing else.

I think you should move out for a while. He can plan dates if he wants to see you. The risk is that he realises how useful you were once he has to cut back on his hobbies because you aren’t there to look after his dd, so will say any I love you bullshit to get you back but won’t mean any of it. don’t get sucked in for a second with that pathetic I’ll just throw away my clubs waaaah baby tantrum nonsense. ‘You’re not 5 years old and you know that’s not what I asked of you. It’s on you to plan something if you want to see me, I’m done with the scraps you’ve been handing out while focused on your real priority of yourself. I will be staying somewhere else for a while. If you’d like to plan a date let me know, it has to be a childfree one as you are perfectly capable of doing things child free when they are a priority.