AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

I think this is one of thosw situations where its worse when the dc isnt yours.

When you have kids you just have way less time! Dh and I have barely any child free time just the two of us, but we regard time with us AND the kids as time together.

Your issue is you probably don't really count the time when his dc is around as quality time

Maybe start planning stuff on nights he has his daughter too so he has to stay home and look after her and you arent the default babysitter. Its sounds like hes tsking advantage if you and using you as childcare while he does whatever he pleases. It doesn't sound like an even, respectful relationship.

Absolutely do this.

He has no plans to prioritise leisure time with you. He said the words to shut you up, then continued on as was.
It works for him...he gets you to help look after his daughter on the weekends then saves his free time for him. Of course he's going to come up with every tale he can invent to put you off. His list of excuses will always be ready.

I don't know what to advise you in the long term but if I were you, I would start prioritising myself at the weekends. Go out, take up a hobby, see friends, visit places you want to see, whatever.
Stop putting all of your time into his daughter.

The kicker here is it was the first child free day since the argument, he couldn’t even commit to it for one month? Things fall by the wayside, but the fact he wasn’t even motivated to do it at the first opportunity is telling you everything you need to know.

let me guess - you pay half the rent or mortgage and the bills. you are also helping parent his wee one, feeding, cleaning up, entertaining, bath and bedtimes. plus i bet you're the one also looking at whether she's got clean clothes and is wearing the right stuff like wellies if it's wet.

he's got you right where it suits him. paying half the bills - i bet you do more than half of the cooking and cleaning. as well as being an on call nanny for his little girl, and sex on tap when he wants it.

what's in it for you?

As soon as he actually said that he can’t do something he enjoys because he has to be with me (eg that he doesn’t actually enjoy being with me) a line would be crossed for me.

So when you started dating him, he presumably could find time for you then? What changed? Was it agreeing to take his DD more so his ex could work? Or was it moving in together?

Because you would never have seen each other at all, presumably, if he had his hobbies and DD this much when you first got together. Do you feel as though he did a bit of a 'bait and switch' on you, because that is how it sounds.

Wow. So you provide him with free childcare. I bet you do the bulk of the housekeeping and housework too? He gets to engage in time consuming hobbies, because you carry that load?

I think he is disrespecting your time. And his reaction borders on gaslighting. He is not putting himself in your shoes and when you have asked for a TINY thing, he has tried to convince you that you are being unreasonable. Has made you question yourself so much you’ve come here asking strangers.

I am seeing a red flag here and I think if you stay with him and have children, this will only get worse.

Of course couples don’t have to spend all their free time together but one day a month to put in effort to spend quality time together is not a big ask.

I think you should find a time consuming hobby outside of the house. You are child free so you can. Don’t pull away from his daughter completely because she will be attached to you and it’s not her fault but definitely start putting your own time first while giving him a very clear boundary.

OP, have you somewhere else to live? If you do, maybe go and live in it for a fortnight or so. You are for too convenient for this selfish man, free nanny and probably cook and laundrymaid in exchange for what, precisely? A man who can't prioritise you once a month?

Sad but true.

This

Run while you still can

You're right, 1 day in 30 is not a lot to ask. The good thing is that you have not yet had kids with this man. If that was on the cards, I would 101% think again as you can already see how parenting with him would go.

So what happens on the Sunday ? If it’s the only weekend day child free on a month will she be there on the Sunday and if so how will he be back from his overnight in time ?

I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s a flip side… I made DH promise from the outset that if we had kids I wouldn’t have to give up my hobby, just both of us would scale it back a bit. This works for us; we take it in turns to look after DC while the other goes out for half a day. Occassionally it’s a whole day, and I’ve been overseas a couple of times too.
I guess it’s lucky we share the hobby, so he “gets it” and I support him in return. This goes leave us short of couple time, but at least not resenting giving up something we love. Do you have a hobby? Is there an imbalance / incompatibility there with him having something time consuming that he enjoys?

Exactly.

The issue isnt so much that he booked one golf break, but that when you reminded him that he’d agreed not to do this, he responded manipulatively. He is sulking and making drama - “I’ll throw my golf cubs away” is supposed to make you retreat and appease. Along with the bad mood.

similarly, it’s not that he might ask you to look after his kid sometimes; it’s that he doesn’t ask and manipulates you into it.

without the manipulation, you could fix this. You’d sit down with a calendar and talk about it.
With the manipulation, your life is going to be shit

Why stay with this selfish shit?

To me one thing that stood out in your posts is that your partner goes out after his daughter sleeps - how is that possible? Is it because you babysit for him?
It sounds to me like you are augmenting his life in may ways including providing unpaid childcare to take the edge off being a parent for him & enable him to continue his activities.
But in return it seems your relationship needs are not being met.
If I were you I would be making up every excuse to never be available to babysit. or to cleanly separate from him for a month, maybe to help him understand how unequal this relationship is.
Then go back to the negotiating table if you feel he is worth it.

Is it normal when you only have your child part of the week, and you're already going out three nights a week leaving someone else to look after her?

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

Have you asked him what that has to do so with anything, given that he said he was going to plan something involving both of you? What did he say?

OP move out. He only wants you for “family time” he doesn’t want “date time”.

I bet if you end the relationship, he’ll find it possible to reduce his hobby time so he can go on dates. He won’t find the time for one date a month with you.

Throw this one back.