AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

He's placing his needs over yours. And honestly, you shouldn't have to ask your partner to spend time with you.

I think you're not compatible and if you have kids together, you're going to effectively be a single parent. Listen to your gut here.

But he’s a parent though. That’s where this whole thing falls down. You want a say where he pretends he is not a parent, and it’s just the two of you? That’s not the way it works when kids are involved, or wasn’t for us as I can’t think of a time we ever had where we ditched them for a day to pretend it was just the two of us. We did once go to a wedding in afternoon/evening and had them babysat (no mean feat as some had SN), but we were busy catching up at with everyone at the wedding, but we did spend time there and back together in the car🤷‍♀️.

What was the reason of the split between him and the mother of his child,? If you know the truth of this then you know why he isn't prioritising you.

Start looking for a place to rent on your own or house share near work then.

You can line something else up first then tell him you are going. You could say you are prepared to still date him, but he has to actually want to date you.

Don't tell him. Just go and leave him high and dry.

As for him describing you as a couple with a child - you're not a couple with a child. You should be correcting that shit every single time he says it. He will then probably accuse you of not loving his daughter/should treat her as your own blah blah to make you feel guilty but that will be to pull you back into line.

You are being used by both of them. You facilitate her mother to take more lucrative shifts and facilitate his single bloke lifestyle while you get nothing. He can't even spend one day with you. I knew straight away he'd try to say that living together and the snippets you see each other was time spent together. This is how little he thinks of you. He doesn't even want to spend time with you.

Please listen to that when he says it - he means it.

I had one of these. If I stayed at his house and he dropped me at work the next morning he counted that hour between getting up and getting to work as a day spent together. He'd use that as an excuse not to see me again for days on end as we'd 'spent two days together already that week'. I don't know why I tolerated that shite. I could go back and shake my younger self some days.

As someone else said, if you (and I hope you do) LTB, I bet he'd find time to date and recruit a replacement.

How long have you been together and how long have you lived together? How old are you both and how old is his child? Whose house is it? I'm asking because although you say you love being a step-mum, you're not really, you're his partner / girlfriend and you seem to be sacrificing a lot to accommodate him and his ex. He is taking you for granted - you are there on tap to do childcare and getting nothing in return, not even one day a month together. When you try to stand up for yourself, he uses manipulation and control to get you to comply - dark mood and threatening to throw out his gold clubs. I would move out/get him to move out if its your home, and continue the relationship living separately. When you date a man with DC you understand that there will be sacrifices to be made, but you are giving up your life and freedom to accommodate them, while her father lives like a single childless man.

Your housing security and independence should be your utmost priority.
Secure your own property, enjoy the bliss of living in a house free of men and just date the boyfriend. The domestic drudgery isn't enjoyable or life enhancing, you don't have to keep doing it.

I think he needs to not be treating you as default childcare on the days his daughter is there @Happywhen regardless of whether you’re happy with that. I think I’d be less available ‘sorry, didn’t I tell you I was going out’. It is not unreasonable to each do your own thing from time to time and you don’t have to be in each other’s pockets but you should be considerate of each other. And there shouldn’t have to be something big in the diary for it to be ‘your time together’. I do think it is fine for you to reserve the time sometimes by marking it but it is also fine for each of you to be doing your own thing.

I would make sure there are some occasions when his DD is about where you go out without them though!

Sorry to bring this up, but it's going to hurt like hell when he meets "the one" he'll go to any lengths for. Time to be the star of your own life not the stopgap in someone else's.

He’s a selfish prick. Golfers usually are sadly

He is a selfish man
You don’t get to have hobbies to that degree when you have a child
And a relationship with somebody who is not the child child’s mother
It’s like the old Trinity of pick two
He’s picked his daughter and he’s picked his hobbies
He has not picked you

God I loathe manipulative people.

"Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said)."

This was the bit that got me. So manipulative. Subtly places OP as the aggressor and he the victim, along with a dark mood that warns the OP not to raise the issue of golf again.
Fuck that noise. Self-serving twat.

@Happywhen you're a saint to put up with this.
You deserve much better than this selfish user.

Its sounds like he just wants a free babysitter, probably a cleaner, cook and fuck buddy.

None of those scream I love you and want to spend time with you.

If you have kids of your own, you will be default parent and he will be out "doing his hobbies"

Leave him now

This. Just this. face it OP, he's not the one for you.

@Happywhen I don't know why you felt you had to lie out what his priorities should be. Personally I wouldn't want my partner to spend time with me once a month because he felt obliged🤷‍♀️. He doesn't enjoy spending time with you or he would. He prefers spending his free time with other people doing his hobbies. If I were you I would think about what this relationship is giving you. For him it's very convenient to have you around but are you happy to settle for so little?

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

Holy shit OP, it's right there......

He doesn't enjoy spending time with either of you. What a prince.

I think I must be codependent as I’m so shocked so many people think that her DP shouldn’t have to agree to spending that one day per month with OP. There’s no one I’d want to spend my day with more than my DW. So if you we had one child free day a month then I would see it as date day, we’d do something fun together or chill at home together if we need to recharge but I’d see it as our day and my DW would too. I don’t think that one day a month is unreasonable at all.

As much as you want to be a good step mum, should your relationship fail you would not have any rights to see her again and you should bare this in mind when deciding what level of involvement you have with her.

I am quite petty and I would go out every evening she is at your house and leave him to it. Get back too late for him to do his thing. Same with the weekends. Leave him to do everything and don’t involve yourself. ‘Daddy daughter time’ all the way.

Absolutely do not have a baby with this man. If you do want kids you should move on and find someone who isn’t a selfish arse. He really is only thinking of himself.

Have that holiday Op and use the time to think seriously about this relationship. I can see how it benefits him but he doesn't ever want to take time just for you, you're unhappy now, how long before you start to resent him

Yes, heterosexual but homosocial. Many men are OBSESSED with other men and regard women as sexual and domestic appliances only. That IS mainstream British society.

Marathon training AND golf though. He’s going for some sort of ‘how to get out of childcare’ double award! Has he thought about taking up cycling?

Yes. Hobbies are great, aren't they? But it took me shamefully long to realise that my ExDP would rather be in the Rugby Club bar, mildly pissed, at 10pm than with me.

Please do go. Have a wonderful time. It's not the child's fault but her father is a selfish g*t.