AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

OP I think you have had some really good advice from people who are seeing the context of the situation without the emotions attached. Your partner seems to want to have his cake and eat it. Whilst I'm sure you are fab with his daughter, you don't have children of your own and are totally entitled to want to have some of the benifit of being child free gives, especially when you seem so willing to step into the parenting role in so much of your free time.
I do think this situation is awful, and honestly you deserve more. You are giving so much more than you are getting, and even if it's not done with malice in his part, his inability to quite frankly grow up and prioritise correctly are leaving you feeling undervalued. Unless he has an epiphany, I can't see what will change, because even if he pulls back on his hobbies he will be resentful and that's not going to be sustainable long term either.

It's one day a month, and he wants to have a relationship with somebody who is not his child's mother.
If he wants that, he needs to put some effort in.
He has plenty of free time, facilitated by OP. She is asking for very little.

I think it's a bit sad tbh that you consider spending time together as a couple as "pretending it's just the two of you." It's healthy for a marriage/relationship, if it can be managed. It's not pretending your kids don't exist 😂

This is not helpful to say at all but I'm spitting so I apologise in advance.
There is just no way I would be putting up with this shit...I wouldn't even get into the position of being available for it in the first place. I don't want to look after anyone else's kid(s). Therefore the man seeking the pseudo mum would have to look elsewhere. I've got my own interests thanks.
I've always felt that way. I have three kids of my own to worry about and I work with kids (and love it) but I would have said the same when I was 20.
It is not for me.

Sorry OP, I'm on your side. You went into it with loving intentions but he's reaping the benefits where you are not. It's not on.

I agree with you

This is such a weird take - doing something together as a couple is not 'pretending not to be a parent'.

I am both a step-parent and a parent and there is no way I'd still be with my DH if he never made any time to spend with me - especially in the years before I had a child myself, so while I was always understanding re his commitments to his children and happily joined in with days out etc, I still had expectations of some kind of romantic relationship between us, obviously.

Now, we go out without our joint child sometimes, but we're not 'pretending not to be parents', it's just perfectly normal that couples still spend time alone together?? Even if that time is just watching a show/film together after she is in bed.

You cannot do hobbies half the week and then have your child for the other half and also expect someone to be happy to be in a relationship with you. Tbh the 'father' element is actually a bit of a red herring here because he would still have time free if he didn't dedicate so much time to his hobby - he could at least keep one evening free to spend with OP.

What he is offering OP is not enough to sustain a successful relationship. I would not continue down this road with him.

Always this

I think this tells you everything you need to know.... He is a selfish prick! It will only get worse..xx

Haha when he goes to play golf when his daughter's there he's not prioritising HIS OWN daughter OP.

Oh, I forgot . He has a nanny with a fanny to do that for him.

But she’s with her mum that day. So they’re not ditching her? Her situation is completely different to you and your OH sharing children 100% of the time, he has had child 50% of the time and she’s asking for day of his child free days to do something together

"I’m being placed in a role of being a “mum” and not a partner at all. If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?"

There ya go. He doesn't want to parent on his own. That's what you're there for. To prioritise his daughter. You're not allowed out on 'family days'.
Absolute weapon.

I would be absolutely fucking steaming if my daughter was in your shoes
He’s fucked it up with the kids mother who wasn’t prepared to put up with his hobbies, no doubt
And now you’ve been wheeled in to be the replacement, which is not fair on the Daughter and it’s not fair on you but neither of those things bother this misogynistic pig as long as his needs are met.
Go back to your mother’s house
After you’ve had a nice holiday to recuperate from this horrible experience
Hopefully you’ll meet a nice Greek waiter to shag and put the whole thing behind you

I would leave him.
I don't have time for people that doesn't have time for me.

I hard agree with the you aren’t a couple with a child, he’s a man with a social life and hobbies whilst presumably you have his child so he’s a man who’s got himself a live in nanny. I also agree that if he wanted to, he would. I assume if you left him he’d miraculously find some time to date and woo the next nanny, sorry “partner”.

Absolutely.

You shouldn’t have to negotiate about getting to spend more quality time with your partner. They should just want to. If they’d rather spend it with other people then that shows where you are in their priorities. It’s not like he is desperate to be with his daughter as he happily spends time away from her when you or his dad are the nanny.

If he really wanted to spend time with you he’d ask his dad to babysit or arrange with his ex to have their daughter for the occasional weekend. But he doesn’t do that because that wouldn’t facilitate what he really likes doing, which is his hobbies and hanging out with his men friends.

Have reported OP post. These posts pop up constantly with the usual faux-distress about a relationship which isn't really a relationship but an unpaid nanny situation.

He told you he does not enjoy spending time with you or his kid. Surely that's the relationship over?

This isn't a relationship OP. I wouldn't be surprised to find you do the bulk of caring for his daughter and shoulder the domestic load. A tale as old as time.

His comments about basically seeing you both as a burden is a massive, massive red flag. Don't live like this. Don't chase his time and try to make him care about spending time with you. You don't need that.

Manipulation is blaming you for your reaction to their behaviour.

It's healthy to have time apart, hobbies too. But hes not showing you appreciation or commitment if he cant follow through on something he actually said he would do for you as a partner/couple.

Do you look after his daughter whilst he engages in hobbies during the week? What would happen if you also started your own hobbies too? Would he be as supportive of you having the same time to yourself.

I think that is when youd know if he truly believes its equal, or whether hes entitled and you are his unpaid childcare facilitating his lifestyle.

I think long term after the daughter is older, his hobbies will increase and he will spend more time away. And you will be lonely.

OP, when I had counselling (over something completely different to this, but context is still the same", my counsellor said one thing that has always stuck with me

"if he wanted to, he would". It really is as simple as that.

He doesn't want to, he has made it quite clear that you come bottom of the list.

You do have a choice, and that is to remain bottom of the list, maybe have DC with him, and basically bring them all up your own because he isn't around, or you can put yourself first and plan a life without him.

He is being extremely selfish, and he thinks that you should be happy with the crumbs of eating together "sometimes" and going to bed together every night. Lucky you, that is the quality time that you get with him.

He's a selfish, selfish man who is prioritising his own wants over everything.

You can do so much better.

Sorry if I've missed this but how old are you OP?

"As for him describing you as a couple with a child - you're not a couple with a child. You should be correcting that shit every single time he says it. He will then probably accuse you of not loving his daughter/should treat her as your own blah blah to make you feel guilty but that will be to pull you back into line."

Hard agree with all of this.

Your last few lines sums up exactly how he sees it. You’re there to provide free childcare and be his domestic appliance so he can live the life he wants without having to step io as a parent or a partner

He’s a useless selfish twat

Yes, definitely do this!