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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want him to keep his promise on our child-free day a month together

214 replies

Happywhen · 19/04/2026 21:48

Me and my partner had a huge argument last month about time together. We both work in 9-5s and he has hobbies on 3 weeknights, which I don’t begrudge. He has a young daughter who’s with us every weekend (and some days in the week every week) bar 1 Saturday a month. That’s all the “child free” time we have together. I am here every weekend, and go on family days out with his and his daughter which I enjoy - my issue is not with the schedule at all. It’s about time together just “us”

on this one weekend day, my partner was planning hobbies etc up until I reached a breaking point and said we don’t spend any time together. He protested a bit and said that this is normal life and we live together so are always “spending time”. He then said on the one free Saturday a month he’d plan for us to do something. I don’t think this is too much to ask?

turns out next Saturday (the weekend day his daughter is with mum) he’s booked a golf day and will likely be staying overnight. I’ve expressed my upset about this and reminded him of what he said, his replies were:

”is our relationship so fragile we need to plan time together”

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

“I booked it because you didn’t plan anything so I didn’t think we were doing anything”

“we have dinner together some nights and go to bed together every night”

Hes in a dark mood now and saying he’ll throw out his golf clubs and quit it entirely (not what I said).

like I said, his daughter is with his 2/3 nights in the weekdays, and even on those days he usually going out after she’s asleep to do his “work” (training for a marathon)

aibu to expect this time together? I love being a stepmum I really do, but it’s hard and sometimes I feel like I’m just a stand in mum rather than a partner. I just want to feel like there’s time when it’s just me and him and he wants to see me as a partner not someone in his family if that makes sense?

im open to being flamed!!!!

OP posts:
Elanol · 20/04/2026 14:59

nomas · 20/04/2026 13:50

If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?

Wow so this fucker tells you that you’re not prioritising his daughter if you make your own plans on days she’s there?

OP, seriously, run, he is an utter hypocrite fuck wit.

Oh I missed that corker. What an absolute twat he is.

OP's going to have to walk away from this because it won't change. He's established a nice little set up where she is the default babysitter who gets shit if she dares to make plans in her own time as a childless adult.

Woodfiresareamazing · 20/04/2026 14:55

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 14:52

We live together, which is why I’m always at home so he can do his hobbies

Show quote history

OP, I think you should go on that holiday you were tempted to take, and start organising how/when you will leave him.

When you get back, just be less available in the evenings and at weekends, until you can leave.

If he still wants to train, he can get up earlier and do it in the morning. Or just suck it up that he can't do it any more ...

Original poster
Happywhen · 20/04/2026 14:52

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 14:30

So you don’t live together is that right. You said you are there every weekend

so dont be about at weekends - don’t stay over during the week

he will have to look after his child and not do hobbies

We live together, which is why I’m always at home so he can do his hobbies

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 14:30

So you don’t live together is that right. You said you are there every weekend

so dont be about at weekends - don’t stay over during the week

he will have to look after his child and not do hobbies

Cloverforever · 20/04/2026 14:02

This will wreck your self-esteem in the long run if you carry on putting up with it OP. Been there, done that.

Get out before he gets you pregnant and trapped.

ohtowinthelottery · 20/04/2026 14:00

I think you're starting to see why he split up with the mother of his child!
He is selfish. Having a child and being in a relationship involves compromise. The only person compromising is you!

nomas · 20/04/2026 13:50

If I do anything on the “family” days I’m not prioritising his daughter. But when she’s not here we just do our own thing?

Wow so this fucker tells you that you’re not prioritising his daughter if you make your own plans on days she’s there?

OP, seriously, run, he is an utter hypocrite fuck wit.

Elanol · 20/04/2026 13:37

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 13:05

And now he’s cancelled it and made out the issue is sorted. But it’s forced now isn’t it, he’s made it clear he’d rather be doing that.

Im fully ready to say if you want your hobbies when you want them, as a parent, you don’t have time for a relationship and we’ll just keep going round in circles where one of us is always unhappy, so we should just end it

Yes, it's forced. I'm so sorry OP xx

He wasn't proactive in prioritising time together. That tells you all you need to know. This won't change. I expect this will be an ongoing struggle where he begrudgingly plays the dutiful boyfriend twelve times a year. If you can even pin him down to that.

Is this enough for you OP?

It's hard to consider ending a relationship when papering over the cracks might do for now. If you can get your one day a month and convince yourself it's sufficient. Just enough to keep hobbling along. Then one day his head is turned at a hobby and you're back here lamenting over the lost years.

Your idea to take a holiday is a good plan. Put some distance between you. Figure out what you really want from life. If he won't give you that then I'm sure there are many men who'd love to x

Fidgety31 · 20/04/2026 13:22

He doesn’t want to spend time with you - that’s obvious - and he’s only doing it now to shut you up .
Does he even like you ? Or just what you do for him ?!! Bet he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t have a child ! He wants the single life .

Don’t waste your own life waiting for this man to change - because he won’t . This is him . You will never be his priority . He will offer you breadcrumbs of a relationship when he senses you might leave . But it’s just to reel you back in.

ZippyPeer · 20/04/2026 13:20

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 13:05

And now he’s cancelled it and made out the issue is sorted. But it’s forced now isn’t it, he’s made it clear he’d rather be doing that.

Im fully ready to say if you want your hobbies when you want them, as a parent, you don’t have time for a relationship and we’ll just keep going round in circles where one of us is always unhappy, so we should just end it

You just know he has said to his golf pals 'my partner is stopping me from playing' rather than 'ive realised that I don't have time with all my other priorities '

LetGoLetThem1234 · 20/04/2026 13:15

You know who this guy is, if you stay with him, this problem will come around time and again. You literally are his live in nanny

You don't need to have the responsibilities of being a parent unless you choose to have children.

Don't waste anymore time, free yourself and enjoy being child free.

ConverselyAttired · 20/04/2026 13:14

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 19/04/2026 22:01

If he wanted to, he would.

Yeah.

“how am I supposed to do what I enjoy if I can’t do anything when my daughters here and now I’ve got to plan this day with you?”

Honestly - ouch. A day with you is not "Something I enjoy" to him.

INeedAnotherName · 20/04/2026 13:12

If I’m making an effort on family days etc, I think he could show me some appreciation/desire for quality time together. Because without that what is there? In just caring for his daughter and he gets to live his life

Bingo! Well done on finally figuring it out OP. It's time to move on from this user Flowers

TheBlueKoala · 20/04/2026 13:10

It's very humiliating to spend time with someone who has been "forced" to spend time with you. It takes the joy out of it. He seems to consider spending quality time with you as "work". You deserve better than that.

Original poster
Happywhen · 20/04/2026 13:05

And now he’s cancelled it and made out the issue is sorted. But it’s forced now isn’t it, he’s made it clear he’d rather be doing that.

Im fully ready to say if you want your hobbies when you want them, as a parent, you don’t have time for a relationship and we’ll just keep going round in circles where one of us is always unhappy, so we should just end it

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 20/04/2026 12:52

ineousa · 19/04/2026 22:06

I think it’s entirely normal to a parent to ask a grandparent to babysit their child for a day. Can’t see why it bothers you at all.

Show quote history

My s because he's not bothering to spend any time with her

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 12:27

MostlyHappyMummy · 20/04/2026 10:20

Have reported OP post. These posts pop up constantly with the usual faux-distress about a relationship which isn't really a relationship but an unpaid nanny situation.

Why report it

mn wont care as such. Its not a danger /safe guarding situation

this situation happens lots

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/04/2026 12:23

Happywhen · 20/04/2026 08:37

I can’t reply directly to the message that said it, but essentially it was about couples with a child not having time together, and it being a fact of life.

He seems to find time to indulge in a hobby multiple times a week and also pass DSD to his parents if he wants to do something when she’s here.

Im also not a “parent” in the strictest sense am I? Yes, I agreed to get involved with a man with a child, but the initial stages of our relationship still had a priority for me/us. If I’m making an effort on family days etc, I think he could show me some appreciation/desire for quality time together. Because without that what is there? In just caring for his daughter and he gets to live his life

Glad you have finally seen this

and I get it hard for you

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/04/2026 12:20

HoppingPavlova · 20/04/2026 09:59

But he’s a parent though. That’s where this whole thing falls down. You want a say where he pretends he is not a parent, and it’s just the two of you? That’s not the way it works when kids are involved, or wasn’t for us as I can’t think of a time we ever had where we ditched them for a day to pretend it was just the two of us. We did once go to a wedding in afternoon/evening and had them babysat (no mean feat as some had SN), but we were busy catching up at with everyone at the wedding, but we did spend time there and back together in the car🤷‍♀️.

Show quote history

He’s already pretending he’s not a parent, in that he structures his schedule without needing to make sure he’s there for his dc because he has the op for that, but he only wants to do that for golf and marathon training, not for time with the op. While most actual parents (which the op is not) do regularly jump at the chance to ‘pretend they’re not a parent’ for each other, which is to say, to go out together without children.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 20/04/2026 12:15

Dozer · 19/04/2026 22:07

The ‘fragile’ comment was manipulative and dismissive. Your request wasn’t U.

don’t provide childcare for him. Don’t live with him. Probable that if you do those things he’ll end the relationship because you’re not facilitating his leisure.

And then OP will have the opportunity to say "Is our relationship so fragile that it can't survive if I don't do all your childcare? "

GoldDuster · 20/04/2026 12:06

You're a convenience. It's not going to get better. Unless that's what you want I would move on. If you leave and I hope you do and move on with a life that you love, where you're not a glorified babysitter, you'll probably find that he moves in a replacement fairly quickly, but rather her than you.

What does he bring to your life that you couldn't fairly easily recreate with someone without kids?

gamerchick · 20/04/2026 12:04

So you're a live in babysitter,. He's.got tit quite cushty. Of course when the kids not there, he doesn't really need you then does he?

Move out, tell him living together doesn't work and you'll probably get on better in your own house. So he can have quality time with his child.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/04/2026 12:03

This relationship set up works for everyone but you op. I would definitely recommend moving out. This doesn’t need to end your relationship, but if he wants to have a relationship with you, forcing him to have to find time to spend with you that’s not the time after work then hobby before sleep midweek or when he’s got his dd with him, probably will show if he values your company or if you are just the easy option.

He doesn’t have his dd live with him full time so it is perfectly possible for him to date you. He has lots of childfree time, he just uses it for other things.

summersolsticesoon · 20/04/2026 11:57

I always shudder at the phrase he wants a
“nanny with a fanny “ but on this occasion I think he does!

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 20/04/2026 11:52

I do understand what you are saying @HoppingPavlova- but the OP is not a parent. She isn’t in a relationship with a man who has sole custody for his child. There is regular childfree time, it’s just he doesn’t want to spend it with her.

If you and your dh had regular childfree weekends and he always wanted to be away from you, never choosing to spend that time with you, would it not piss you off/make you question how committed to your relationship he was?

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