Sorry for loooong message - I've literally just discovered this and been sat on the floor in the bathroom for 30 minutes wondering what to do.
DH of nearly 20 years has gone away with work so I was happily having a thorough spring clean and 'Sort Your Life Out' style tidy. Going through all the bathroom cupboards, consolidating multiple buys of things, getting rid of empty bottles, etc.
I had done mine, my children's stuff, travel bags, toiletries, and sorting through old bath toys to get rid of, but then I thought I might as well do his cupboard too - it was the last one.
I pulled everything out and found, right at the back...
1 temporary hair dye kit... that was weird enough. I was never aware he'd used hair dye and he's never told me about. He's never coloured his hair apart from for fancy dress, when it was a spray can job and I did it for him. The dried foam on the inside of the clear lid implies it's been used at least once.
1 brown cardboard delivery box with a 6 boxes of drugs in it. He takes heart and blood pressure stuff anyway, so assumed it was that. Pulled one out to consolidate with his other pills and realised...
It said on the box, "Take one 30 minutes before sex."
Now... he's never had any problem in that area, with me, anyway.
He's never told me he was getting these drugs.
I wouldn't have thought he taken one 30 minutes before being with me as it's never that premeditated.
It's not a medical prescription - he's bought them, clearly off some random company on the web. Which is worrying with his heart/blood pressure meds.
The delivery slip said 7 boxes, but there were only 6 remaining and one of them was empty (told you he was a hoarder), the other half-full. Each box contains 4 tablets, so that means 4+4+2 times he's used them already - ten times - and I've not been made aware of this.
There is a complication in our relationship as a few years ago I got cancer and had a double mastectomy. I have had reconstructions, but my relationship with my body has not been good since. I am covered in scars and don't have much feeling anyway.
That, with menopause and anxiety (I suspect also undiagnosed ADHD), the death of a parent and insecurity in my job...it has all completely killed my sex drive. So we don't have sex that often. And when we do, I can barely cope with penetration as it's so painful. HRT is not an option because of the cancer. So it's usually me pleasing him orally because I still love him and don't want him to miss out just because I don't feel sexy. To be honest, I love that I can still do that for him and get that reaction from him.
He is incredibly affectionate with me, has been so patient, loving, supportive and kind through the last few rocky years, and says that he's with me every step of the way and not going anywhere.
So until now, I had no reason to believe anything to the contrary.
I looked at the date of the drugs and they were bought 15 months AFTER my mastectomies when I was really not being sexual at all and 2 months before my second round of surgery so again, I wasn't having sex with him then either.
I wish I could remember how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years, but I'd struggle to say it was 10 times with all the surgeries and grief and anxiety and depression I've been going through. (I have recently gone to a doctor and asked for anti-anxiety meds as it's got really bad - I have an assessment and blood tests and an ECG to go through first)
I just thought how lucky was I to have this amazing patient saint of a man looking after me and being there for me.
Now of course I'm imagining the worst.
That, no wonder he's been smiling through all of this if he's getting his end away anyway and getting away with it.
I'm not a suspicious person, never had any reason to doubt him before (he doesn't even go out that much - he's a real homebody and family man, loves cooking and entertaining...) and have never even looked at his phone.
I'm not here to have everyone confirm my suspicions - I can see in black and white how this looks.
I'm asking MN here (if you can) to give me a perfectly reasonable, non-adulterous explanation for what I've found.
Might there be one?
I will speak to him tonight but won't see him till Wednesday.
Meanwhile I've got to be mum to our kids and act normal round them.
Do I bring it up with him? It will be easier to lie to my face with distance. What do I say? Or do I wait till he's back?
I'm now even doubting he's away with work. I've always trusted him all this time and all our friends and family think we're the best couple ever.
AIBU?
Yes - there may be a non-adulterous explanation (please do say!).
No - wise up woman FFS.
I'm really scared to press 'post' but here goes... (please be gentle).
Thank you for reading this far.