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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be worried about sex drugs I found

243 replies

TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 17:58

Sorry for loooong message - I've literally just discovered this and been sat on the floor in the bathroom for 30 minutes wondering what to do.

DH of nearly 20 years has gone away with work so I was happily having a thorough spring clean and 'Sort Your Life Out' style tidy. Going through all the bathroom cupboards, consolidating multiple buys of things, getting rid of empty bottles, etc.

I had done mine, my children's stuff, travel bags, toiletries, and sorting through old bath toys to get rid of, but then I thought I might as well do his cupboard too - it was the last one.

I pulled everything out and found, right at the back...

1 temporary hair dye kit... that was weird enough. I was never aware he'd used hair dye and he's never told me about. He's never coloured his hair apart from for fancy dress, when it was a spray can job and I did it for him. The dried foam on the inside of the clear lid implies it's been used at least once.

1 brown cardboard delivery box with a 6 boxes of drugs in it. He takes heart and blood pressure stuff anyway, so assumed it was that. Pulled one out to consolidate with his other pills and realised...

It said on the box, "Take one 30 minutes before sex."

Now... he's never had any problem in that area, with me, anyway.

He's never told me he was getting these drugs.

I wouldn't have thought he taken one 30 minutes before being with me as it's never that premeditated.

It's not a medical prescription - he's bought them, clearly off some random company on the web. Which is worrying with his heart/blood pressure meds.

The delivery slip said 7 boxes, but there were only 6 remaining and one of them was empty (told you he was a hoarder), the other half-full. Each box contains 4 tablets, so that means 4+4+2 times he's used them already - ten times - and I've not been made aware of this.

There is a complication in our relationship as a few years ago I got cancer and had a double mastectomy. I have had reconstructions, but my relationship with my body has not been good since. I am covered in scars and don't have much feeling anyway.

That, with menopause and anxiety (I suspect also undiagnosed ADHD), the death of a parent and insecurity in my job...it has all completely killed my sex drive. So we don't have sex that often. And when we do, I can barely cope with penetration as it's so painful. HRT is not an option because of the cancer. So it's usually me pleasing him orally because I still love him and don't want him to miss out just because I don't feel sexy. To be honest, I love that I can still do that for him and get that reaction from him.

He is incredibly affectionate with me, has been so patient, loving, supportive and kind through the last few rocky years, and says that he's with me every step of the way and not going anywhere.

So until now, I had no reason to believe anything to the contrary.

I looked at the date of the drugs and they were bought 15 months AFTER my mastectomies when I was really not being sexual at all and 2 months before my second round of surgery so again, I wasn't having sex with him then either.

I wish I could remember how many times we've had sex in the last 3 years, but I'd struggle to say it was 10 times with all the surgeries and grief and anxiety and depression I've been going through. (I have recently gone to a doctor and asked for anti-anxiety meds as it's got really bad - I have an assessment and blood tests and an ECG to go through first)

I just thought how lucky was I to have this amazing patient saint of a man looking after me and being there for me.

Now of course I'm imagining the worst.

That, no wonder he's been smiling through all of this if he's getting his end away anyway and getting away with it.

I'm not a suspicious person, never had any reason to doubt him before (he doesn't even go out that much - he's a real homebody and family man, loves cooking and entertaining...) and have never even looked at his phone.

I'm not here to have everyone confirm my suspicions - I can see in black and white how this looks.

I'm asking MN here (if you can) to give me a perfectly reasonable, non-adulterous explanation for what I've found.

Might there be one?

I will speak to him tonight but won't see him till Wednesday.

Meanwhile I've got to be mum to our kids and act normal round them.

Do I bring it up with him? It will be easier to lie to my face with distance. What do I say? Or do I wait till he's back?

I'm now even doubting he's away with work. I've always trusted him all this time and all our friends and family think we're the best couple ever.

AIBU?

Yes - there may be a non-adulterous explanation (please do say!).

No - wise up woman FFS.

I'm really scared to press 'post' but here goes... (please be gentle).

Thank you for reading this far.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 23:39

VanillaImpulse · 19/04/2026 22:10

As a pharmacist my concern would be if he is taking any nitrates - a GTN spray or something like isosorbide mononitrate/dinitrate - these do interact and can cause dangerously low blood pressure when used in combination. Doxazosin is another that should be avoided concurrently.

With the way the directions are printed I don’t think they would have been prescribed for anything else.

Thank you - with parents who are medics, this was my train of thought too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 23:37

GiorgioArmageddi · 19/04/2026 22:10

How deep is this fucking cupboard? 🤣 I’m a wee bit jealous! You’re lucky @TellmeImwrongnow Our bathroom cupboards could never fit a delivery box that had six boxes of medication in it into the cupboard at all, much less have it end up at the very back behind stuff. Our bathroom cupboard is only about 7cm deep 😂 Can I ask, just to be nosey, do you have either a new build or a very old house? I’ve noticed going either way with houses (very new or very old) can get you some enormous bathroom cupboards. I hope my ridiculous bathroom-cupboard-related chain of thought has diverted you for a second; I’m sure everyone will have advice for what you can do, but please: make sure you care for yourself.

It sounds like you’ve been through the absolute wringer and hung out to dry! Poor you, love. BUT. It’s not over until it’s over, and whether your husband is or is not faithful, YOU survived cancer and YOU survived several surgeries and YOU survived reconstruction and YOU are surviving menopause, and YOU will continue to survive, regardless of the role HE plays in your life. You are a strong woman, you are amazing, and whatever the truth is, you can handle it.

You sound absolutely lovely and your comment on the cupboard made me giggle - thank you!

This isn't it - but something like it. I think from the same place.

https://www.bathroommountain.co.uk/bermuda-midnight-green-double-basin-vanity-1200mm-brushed-brass-accents-c78655

It's a 30s house. Big rooms.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 23:34

Coconutter24 · 19/04/2026 18:41

You say you give him oral, do you surprise him with this or do you let him know before that it is on the table if he wants it? Could it be that if he knows about it he takes a tablet before? Maybe he’s having some issues and is embarrassed to say so has kept it to himself

Nothing is preplanned.

OP posts:
Corvidsarethebest · 19/04/2026 23:30

Hellohelga · 19/04/2026 23:20

Im so sorry what you are going through. My DH used viagra wth me once, years ago. It was awful, it made him go like a steam train for AGES. It was like having sex with 18 year old not a middle aged man. He could not have used it with you without you noticing a very distinct change in the sex. Similarly if he used it for self pleasure he’d be at it all night. It looks to me as if he’s using it on his trips away.

I wish we still have the laugh emoji. Lots of women haven't been that impressed when their husband have tried it apparently. I don't know if anyone I've been with has tried it, they haven't mentioned it but from what you are saying I would notice, possibly?

GiorgioArmageddi · 19/04/2026 23:28

VanillaImpulse · 19/04/2026 22:10

As a pharmacist my concern would be if he is taking any nitrates - a GTN spray or something like isosorbide mononitrate/dinitrate - these do interact and can cause dangerously low blood pressure when used in combination. Doxazosin is another that should be avoided concurrently.

With the way the directions are printed I don’t think they would have been prescribed for anything else.

My concern is that anyone ordering pharmaceuticals off the internet might get something that has just a few grains of fentanyl or something just easily deadly in it. I’ve never forgotten the photo I’ve attached; i assume are plenty of substances where just a few grains could kill you. I mean, it takes only 2mg of fentanyl to kill you; think how small an paracetamol pill is, and it’s got 500mg of paracetamol PLUS how ever many mg of binders. And just TWO mg of fentanyl can kill you. So just 1/250th of an paracetamol tablet!

This isn’t just possibly unfaithful; it’s also seems dangerous as fuck to me. If you’re someone’s next of kin, you should either know the list of that person’s medications, or know where to find said list (example: in your phone notes or in their cupboard). He could have an accident and end up in very serious condition because doctors wouldn’t know if he’d taken that pill and wouldn’t know what it could possibly have in it.

Doggodoggo · 19/04/2026 23:22

Just wanted to say that I have also gone through BC, mastectomy, reconstruction and the resulting sex issues. I just wanted to say that if something IS going on PLEASE don't blame yourself. I have had comments from "friends" suggesting it would he understandable if my DH cheated on me due to the issues with sex I have after all this. I absolutely categorically believe this is wrong.

Not to say that this is what is going on, but I just wanted to offer some solidarity. Marriage vows are for in sickness and in health.

Hellohelga · 19/04/2026 23:20

Im so sorry what you are going through. My DH used viagra wth me once, years ago. It was awful, it made him go like a steam train for AGES. It was like having sex with 18 year old not a middle aged man. He could not have used it with you without you noticing a very distinct change in the sex. Similarly if he used it for self pleasure he’d be at it all night. It looks to me as if he’s using it on his trips away.

Shallysally · 19/04/2026 23:14

VividPinkTraybake · 19/04/2026 23:03

You can get it without prescription

Show quote history

You can but a pharmacy may not issue it given his health issues. Of course he could have chosen to lie on the assessment form

VividPinkTraybake · 19/04/2026 23:04

Apearlybum · 19/04/2026 20:57

In your shoes, I’d leave the thread
and wait to speak to my partner of 20 years
speculating is going to achieve nothing aside from making the chat with him loaded and fraught from the very word go

Show quote history

Excellent advice

VividPinkTraybake · 19/04/2026 23:03

TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 20:52

Why?! Is it dangerous?! I haven't even dared look it up yet.

The date was a couple of years ago, when I definitely wasn't in that state of mind.

Edited
Show quote history

You can get it without prescription

Didimum · 19/04/2026 22:46

All I can think of is if he’s never had trouble in that department, then why would he need them? For sex especially. It doesn’t make sense. The masturbating use makes more sense?

BeardOToots · 19/04/2026 22:42

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/04/2026 18:39

I can understand your surprise but I think you’ve made quite the leap here to assume he’s sleeping around. Why would he need medication for an exciting affair but not for stuff with you? Personally, and of course I would well be wrong, but I would have assumed without full penetration or regular sex, combined with being older and on medication himself, he’s worried that he won’t be able to get there without the medication, and he’s not told you as he doesnt want to make you feel insecure about yourself after your operation and struggles with sex etc.

Using hair dye without telling you…. well he doesn’t need to mention it really. He can feel insecure about his grays without being a cheat.

You should bring it up and see what he says, but I can’t see any reason at all to assume the worst.

Was going to type out exactly this, but you’ve beaten me to it.

Ohnobackagain · 19/04/2026 22:35

@TellmeImwrongnow this is going to sound a bit mad but, do you see him often in the buff? Wondering if he has gone grey ‘down below’ and done something mad like trying to dye his muff?

I did not mean that to rhyme 🫣 but we have all done some mad stuff I’m sure.

I hope there turns out to be an innocent explanation for all this. I hope you were able
to ask.

hahabahbag · 19/04/2026 22:23

There could be an innocent explanation, and men can start to struggle in this dept due to age, stress and drugs like antidepressants. Dh has tried them because he was worried about me! Could be he took them to make sure he was okay when you were feeling better?

Laiste · 19/04/2026 22:21

🤞 for you tonight OP.

I hope you return to the thread tomorrow with all fears allayed.

Keroppi · 19/04/2026 22:16

Maybe it's just me being jaded but I would never just wait to speak to my partner about something like this - he is already hiding and not speaking to you about stuff. I know spouses have their right to privacy but it's hardly hiding asthma inhalers. Sadly I also would be thinking prostitutes or something similar

It's a shame he took his devices as I certainly would be snooping. I know it's terrible to think of your kind loving dh in this way but you need to be realistic of all possibilities, lots of people have a hidden side and are capable of compartmentalising to do horrible things
He could have a rational explanation or equally can be feeding you lies and then knows you're onto him so will get rid of any other evidence
Sadly I speak from experience

Hugs OP either way it's awful

VanillaImpulse · 19/04/2026 22:10

As a pharmacist my concern would be if he is taking any nitrates - a GTN spray or something like isosorbide mononitrate/dinitrate - these do interact and can cause dangerously low blood pressure when used in combination. Doxazosin is another that should be avoided concurrently.

With the way the directions are printed I don’t think they would have been prescribed for anything else.

GiorgioArmageddi · 19/04/2026 22:10

How deep is this fucking cupboard? 🤣 I’m a wee bit jealous! You’re lucky @TellmeImwrongnow Our bathroom cupboards could never fit a delivery box that had six boxes of medication in it into the cupboard at all, much less have it end up at the very back behind stuff. Our bathroom cupboard is only about 7cm deep 😂 Can I ask, just to be nosey, do you have either a new build or a very old house? I’ve noticed going either way with houses (very new or very old) can get you some enormous bathroom cupboards. I hope my ridiculous bathroom-cupboard-related chain of thought has diverted you for a second; I’m sure everyone will have advice for what you can do, but please: make sure you care for yourself.

It sounds like you’ve been through the absolute wringer and hung out to dry! Poor you, love. BUT. It’s not over until it’s over, and whether your husband is or is not faithful, YOU survived cancer and YOU survived several surgeries and YOU survived reconstruction and YOU are surviving menopause, and YOU will continue to survive, regardless of the role HE plays in your life. You are a strong woman, you are amazing, and whatever the truth is, you can handle it.

CinderellaGotOld · 19/04/2026 22:05

I have just been debating whether to start a thread about the same thing. Found ED drugs in my DH’s wallet - 2 had been used and one had fallen out the packet into the wallet. I asked him about them and he said he’d ordered them online and had been using them when we have sex as he doesn’t want to waste the opportunity when it happens (my sex drive is also on the floor). All of that is understandable as he has had performance issues in the past. However it’s the fact they were in his wallet which I didn’t like and he even joked about why he needed to keep them in there and how much more streamlined it was now he has taken them out. But something wasn’t sitting right so I checked his wallet again. The stray tablet was still in there. He was away overnight the next day. I checked when he was back and it is gone and the pocket is ripped. I don’t think it was ripped before and so I’m imagining it happened as he’s trying to get the pill out in a hurry. I’m spiralling but have decided now to do some digging before I confront him as he’ll have some sort of answer for me (like it must have fallen out the hole) that I’ll want to believe but don’t think I do Guess just wanted to share and say I get how you’re feeling.

Original poster
TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 22:03

Corvidsarethebest · 19/04/2026 21:56

I think you are barking up the wrong tree. If he was using these regularly and away from home, he'd have them with him right now, no? And he'd be using far more.

I order medication online without telling my loved ones because I know they will criticise me, I have ordered Valium and a sleeping medication, and I don't want to discuss it with them. I have also ordered weight loss drugs secretly, again, because when I've been frank, I've felt judged.

If that's the quantity used, I suspect he tried them a few times at home.

I don't see anything incredibly suspicious in this, per se, I'd ask him and see his reaction.

The hair dye is totally irrelevant.

If he'd said, can I get some sex drugs whilst you are having treatment for cancer, it would have seemed highly insensitive, I think he's tried to be sensitive and ended up secretive.

Of course, he might be up to something, but the quantity itself and the hiddenness doesn't scream secret love affair to me. You know him best though, and will get a lot of information from how he responds.

One tablet lasts 36 hours so he doesn't need to take all 7 boxes on a trip - just one tablet.

But I hope you are right and I am barking.

OP posts:
Original poster
TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 22:00

Apearlybum · 19/04/2026 20:57

In your shoes, I’d leave the thread
and wait to speak to my partner of 20 years
speculating is going to achieve nothing aside from making the chat with him loaded and fraught from the very word go

Show quote history

You are right. Thank you.

I'm going to log out.

I've had a good think and we'll video call tonight. (I can't wait till Wednesday, it is eating me up).

I'm feeling sick at bringing it up but I'm going to have to.

Thank you to those who have been so kind and tried to calm me down or see other reasons.

And to those who opened my eyes to other possibilities.

I'll update once we've spoken. But maybe not tonight.

x

OP posts:
Corvidsarethebest · 19/04/2026 21:56

I think you are barking up the wrong tree. If he was using these regularly and away from home, he'd have them with him right now, no? And he'd be using far more.

I order medication online without telling my loved ones because I know they will criticise me, I have ordered Valium and a sleeping medication, and I don't want to discuss it with them. I have also ordered weight loss drugs secretly, again, because when I've been frank, I've felt judged.

If that's the quantity used, I suspect he tried them a few times at home.

I don't see anything incredibly suspicious in this, per se, I'd ask him and see his reaction.

The hair dye is totally irrelevant.

If he'd said, can I get some sex drugs whilst you are having treatment for cancer, it would have seemed highly insensitive, I think he's tried to be sensitive and ended up secretive.

Of course, he might be up to something, but the quantity itself and the hiddenness doesn't scream secret love affair to me. You know him best though, and will get a lot of information from how he responds.

Original poster
TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 21:48

LeftBoobGoneRogue · 19/04/2026 21:41

@TellmeImwrongnow
I think the drug is called Tadalafil and it’s similar to Viagra but stays in the dogs for longer, maybe 36 hours so you can be more flexible when you have sex. Viagra is only effective for a few hours after it’s taken.

That's the one. It says no more than one pill every 36 hours. So I presume that would last a weekend or few days away, if that was his game.

OP posts:
CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 19/04/2026 21:43

TellmeImwrongnow · 19/04/2026 21:37

The 'new' boys weekend has been in the diary for ages - he goes away with his school mates a couple of times a year.

I did wonder if he's resorted to getting it elsewhere as he's not getting much from me any more. Not because I don't love him. But I'm really struggling with my own body and mind.

But yes, the disregard for potential side effects mixed with the other drugs is worrying.

I've texted him to ask how his evening is going and he said he's still out but will call later. I'm not sure I can wait till Wednesday as it's eating me up.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes. I can understand that re eating you up. You have a great marriage, fabulous communication and yet he's taking unprescribed tablets which , for all we know, could make him extremely unwell. That's just not fair to you.

Do you video chat? That would be a good way to watch his face when you produce the pills

Maybe he has prostate issues, hasn't wanted to bother you after all you've been through , and has got these tablets to help his prostate with the added bonus that he gets prolonged erections for masturbating ?

LeftBoobGoneRogue · 19/04/2026 21:41

@TellmeImwrongnow
I think the drug is called Tadalafil and it’s similar to Viagra but stays in the dogs for longer, maybe 36 hours so you can be more flexible when you have sex. Viagra is only effective for a few hours after it’s taken.