My children

Tell them directly.
Its back breaking and emotionally difficult.

If they want 100ks can they please use the bank holiday weekend to come and help

Sounds like you’re still very much grieving OP. Take a breather from it all. I would send a message to your children and express disappointment at their lack of care. They can and should always make time for their parents irrespective of inheritance or not.

Going through the clear out isn’t only physically demanding but it’s emotionally and mentally taxing. They should’ve helped.

Let them know how you feel and takE it from there.

Honestly, I wouldn't expect them to help. If they did it would be great, but a house clearance is a miserable job and they will be doing yours. I would do my own parents and shield my children from it.

Do your. Children have kids OP?

tell them
it is too much to do for the two of you and ask them to prioritise this over meeting friends/ going out. If they refuse then I suggest you and DH treat yourself to a weekend away before you split the money

Stop working on the house. Sooner or later they'll enquire when it's going on the market. At which point I'd say something along the lines of...not until it's ready, maybe a couple of years because I'm so busy/tired and so are you.

Honestly, I'd just pay for house clearance (for example, British Heart Foundation charity offer this) and deduct it from the funds afterwards... Take the sentimental items and allow a clearance service to do the rest.

Send them each a copy of the little red hen.

You don’t need to tell them what was left by the time you sell it. Just send them their “share” each. And that share is after you’ve deducted costs and fair hourly rates for your DHs work fixing the place up. Plus a holiday for your time.

If there’s £100k left then give them £15k each. Job done

Ask them.

I wouldn't normally agree with this but I would in this instance. They're not coming across well and I'd be damned if I spent all that time and effort when they just did nothing.

Are you an only child?
Neither parent alive?
No written will, codicil etc?

Do whatever you lime with the house, proceeds from the sale. Why on earth would you be knocking yourself out for your adult kids?

Clear it. Sell it. Spend it.

Communication is key.

Be specific. Son can you do X. Daughter can you do Y. No, ok well we will pay Z to do it out of your share then.

You don’t get to decide how they spend their time. I say this because DM micromanages everything we try and do with her. She makes everything ten times harder than it needs to be, then complains no one will help her. We helped. Many times. But she chose not to achieve anything on those many occasions.

If the house needs clearing before they can benefit from it, have a conversation along the lines of ‘Right, how shall we do this, then?’.
Don’t expect them to turn up every weekend for months on end regardless of their own plans, without letting them have input into the process.

Why not ask them for help ?

@Sarahthehelper
Have you specifically said you want them to be part of the process of sorting out after your parent’s death, and what that entails?

We’re not a transactional family though. If I need my children’s help I know they will always help me if they can, independently of whether they stand to gain anything from it.
But I ask for help, and communicate what I need help with. I don’t just sit by wishing they would read my mind and getting upset that they don’t.
To be honest it never crossed my mind to help with my grand parent’s house and affairs.

What have you asked of your DC, OP?

In my book they get the benefit of the doubt until you make it clear that between them they need to do half the work. Let them figure out how, as long as they are timely. The options are:

They can do this work themselves,

or

You will hire someone to do it, and the cost will come from their share of the sale price.

Best run this option by your solicitor. If you are not legally obliged to pass on any of the sale price, I would be surprised if there is a problem

or

As @curious79 says, if you are the executor you are well within your rights to charge the estate for your efforts. This may be the most profitable option of all, for you.

or

Perhaps someone will think of a better option.

Any of these is greatly preferable to sitting around feeling resentful. You are playing the stronger hand in every way. Use it wisely and your problem is solved - except that your DC may resent you. That’s not rational and if it happens, they need to grow up.

Best wishes

Is the agreement actually written anywhere or just an understanding?

if it’s not in the will you don’t have to do anything and don’t have to give them the money. If you really wanted to you could hold the money for them and then dole it out when they need something rather than just hand it over

in the meantime why the rush to sort everything? Why not pay someone and take it from the funds so they get a reduced figure?

What conversations have you had with your children about this?

This.