Wealthy MIL hoarding money

It’s easy to give away other people’s money.

MIL clearly isn’t stupid. It’s going to be fairly obvious that her grasping family are expecting her to prop them up and are waiting for her to die.

@hoardingwealth some the answers you are getting are absolutely ridiculous. You have stated repeatedly that you’ve asked for nothing . Your mils behaviour is just shocking and I’m assuming she wasn’t and isn’t much of a mother . I would take a step back if I were your bil and your dh. The idea of watching my dcs suffer while I live in wealth and opulence is absolutely bizarre and just completely wrong . Pp arguing with you are going so to be contrary , it’s common on mn.
I would give to strangers in these circumstances, let alone my own dcs . Some people also just don’t want to acknowledge or admit that they’ve had a huge help up the ladder and reframe it as their own hard work when it’s nothing of the sort. We won’t have a cent in inheritance due to many reasons (in-laws broke -could actually cost us money but we’ll make sure they can’t ) amd my family have nothing to leave due to many factors. We have zero support in any capacity. I would give the coat of my back for the kids and absolutely go without . I will never understand those who don’t and think they are an absolute disgrace .

I’m sure she won’t care. So she should give her wealth to her children and yet they can spend it as they like. How does that even work? If they didn’t earn it either then they don’t have the right to it either.

It is clear that they are all waiting for her to die. How vile is that - being gold diggers isn’t a good look. My parents aren’t rich but aren’t badly off - I will probably have an inheritance of some description at some point but would rather them be alive and kicking than have their money.

Once she’s dead, why would she care about their opinions 🤣

And presumably BIL and his wife have at some point decided to have a family on low wages - totally valid but they can’t then expect their mother to bail them out

My late GM owned many properties and could have easily gifted one to us and my sibling, did offer to sell them with a 5% discount !.. They were in very bad condition and we couldnt afford to do them up as so bad....eventually sold them off cheap to fund holidays and the last 2 were sold to pay iht taxes, my mum inherited one which was a wreck and sold it to help her retirement as had no pension...i have learnt that families dont always help out and not to expect anything.

Of course she doesn't HAVE to. But the OPs point was that she SHOULD pass on generational wealth which she hasn't earned herself in order to help the next generation whilst being in a position of relative wealth. As pps have said - wealth creates wealth. She is effectively ending / seriously damaging her family's continued prosperity that she herself benefitted from. As OP stated its exactly pulling up the ladder behind you. Her grandchildren will miss out on all the wonderful opportunities that money could have provided and she'll be remembered for the scrooge that she is (or forgotten about more likely).

That’s so true , have you ever noticed that the food bank basket in places like Waitrose and Sainsbury is always empty but Lidl and Asda ones are always full .
I grew up in the equivalent of my country to a council estate and went on to actually do ok and have a good profession , not rich by any means but we have our comforts and holidays etc and I dream about a Euro million so I could help all our families and friends .

Does it occur to you that the grabby entitled nature of some people makes it less likely they will be helped? They are usually the same people who demand childcare etc.

But she’s not responsible for the life choices of her children, even one who is bringing up children on min wage

She sounds totally selfish, yanbu.

Like you say she's pulled the ladder up behind her. Lots like them unfortunately.

YANBU in my view, as I would not see my children struggle (assuming they were trying their best to get on, of course), while I had more than enough to meet my own needs and plenty besides.

But I’ve grown up in a family where people share and help out, across générations, and think that normal and even pleasurable! But to read many thread here, you’d think that a stranger, minority view, if not down right irresponsible.

Is she asking to be looked after? She has enough money to get good quality care. And if she gave it all to her sons and their geabby wives then how would she afford it then? You can bet your life OP and the family wouldn’t help then

You appear to have missed the second paragraph that began ‘I’m not saying her money shouldn’t have paid for her care’

Why does that matter to MIL? She won’t be the one paying it

I think the concept of it being "transactional" goes both ways... why would you go out of your way to take care of someone who has spent the preceding decades showing you that they don't give a shit how much hardship and suffering you have to endure?

People who have never had to really struggle are usually especially possessive of their money and live in a convoluted fantasy in which they somehow actually earned it. It tends to be people who have really had to struggle and go without who take pleasure in helping out others and paying forward their good fortune.

Some people are just born nasty ! I could never do this to my kids but I know someone in a very similar distinction to your mil and she never gave anything to her 3 children , including one that is disabled from birth and works but could certainly do with living in a better area . Hopefully one day at lest you will be able to help yours with her wealth

MIL's estate is going to be in line for a huge inheritance tax bill at 40%. Get her sons to ask her if she'd be happy with that. Ask her if she'd like to talk to a financial advisor in order to mitigate those tax liabilities.

Can you arrange for your DH to speak with his mum and suggest his DB could do with some financial help? If she has recently inherited money she could draft a deed of variance, passing on the funds, so they don't become part of her estate. However, It could be that she is just mean and doesn't intend to help any of her children and they may also be excluded from her will, in favour of her partner.

It's her money stop with expectations. Leave her he.

My DM, now in her 80s, grew up in penury. Too many mouths to feed, not enough money to feed them. Bread was rationed, milk was watered down, eggs went to the boys only, oranges were a rare annual treat.

She and my DF are multimillionaires. She’s now the MN’s proverbial “rich person who’s tighter than a gnat’s arse”. Her kitchen cupboards are stuff with food, she can never throw food away, she’s morbidly obese, she’s forever foisting food on people. Even now, she cries remembering her childhood and the lengths her DM had to go to to make sure she and her siblings were fed, and the hard life her DM suffered.

She and DF are incredibly generous with their children and grandchildren, so your scenario is different to mine. But with anyone outside of this tiny subset, she’s unbelievably and shamefully and embarrassingly tight. Partly it’s that she’s stuck in 1990s prices, partly it’s that a mindset developed through childhood can last for the rest of a person’s life. She still struggles with the mentality of money running out. It’s highly emotive for her. So she will help her dependents but she will hoard everything from everyone else. No matter how many times we’ve pointed out that she doesn’t need to think this way, that it’s wrong to think this way, that it’s highly insulting to treat people this way - she can’t shake it off. “You never know what the future holds”, she says. She never wants to risk going back to where she came from, she says. Perhaps your MIL feels the same way.

She can....but personally I could not sleep at night knowing my child was on the breadline while I had an overabundance. ...I would feel like a selfish cow.....I guess we're all different

She actually sounds a selfish bitter old woman, you say she owns lots of rental properties, she could let the BIL have one of those rent free, iam she one properties rent would be a drop in the ocean.
Ism completely on your side re all this, she lavishes her scrounging boyfriend yet gives her struggling son nothing, she ought to be ashamed of herself.
Next time she's bragging about money on holidays,just gray rock her

Inheritance is such a fraught subject. My great aunt left all her worldly goods (including a house she inherited from my great-grandmother) to a charity. My father was written out of his mother's will (but she was a terrible person and had form so it was hardly surprising).

Personally given my university education was free (and I got a grant) and our first home (3 bed detached) was bought for just £60,000 I'd feel morally obliged to help out my children when the time comes. But not everyone is built like me.

Handouts?

You seriously consider making sure your grandchildren get to experience at least one holiday in their childhoods, or don’t have to wear second hand clothing, is giving handouts?

They are her grandchildren, not homeless addicts on the street. And she is a wealthy woman.

I wouldn’t judge anyone wealthy for not giving their child money, if their child didn’t need it.

But if their child was living pay check to pay check, their grandchildren wearing second hand clothes, they had never experienced a holiday, they lived in inadequate housing and attended local shit schools, then yes, I would very much be thinking less of that person. Most people would think less of that person.

@Beyondamountainandoverthesea no I can perfectly understand @UniquePinkSwan . It’s about attitude. If you think you are due something you’ll never make any effort yourself. I wouldn’t do charity but i would absolutely pass them by and go straight to the grandkids or put the money in a trust to benefit grandkids