Wealthy MIL hoarding money

What less than economically wise decisions? It’s absurd for her to judge people who have less when she didn’t even earn her own money. Like some other poster said, people who are handed wealth often create a narrative that they actually earned it.

Exactly this, just because he lives his life like this shouldn’t give his mother an obligation to wipe his arse.

We’ve asked OP for details of liquid assets beyond the £500K and she hasn’t responded.
MILs net worth exclusive of her house is unclear.

If some of her properties are mortgage free and residential - again we don’t know - one thing it seems she might be able to do is offer BIL an affordable rent in one of them.

But although I agree that superficially it sounds possible that MIL is in a position both to put aside money for her own care and to help BIL (to what extent is unclear) now, I can also imagine a situation where her only realisable assets are her house and that £500K. In that case I understand why she doesn’t want to deplete it substantially now.

So how much should she give away to give herself future care costs? She could need care for years or she could live perfectly healthy and want to be able to live how she wants. Either way that costs money.

The woman is a multi millionaire. She can afford future care.
Noone is saying she should give away all her wealth.

Thank you! I honestly thought I was missing something, as nobody seems to have thought about that.

My MiL’s care was £6,500 per month.

And you are right. Without her own money, ‘we’ - the tax payer will have to fund MiL’s care - though most likely the LA will instigate the process of claiming the money back under deprivation of assets.

The Deprivation of Assets process, claiming the money back , however, also costs the tax payer in LA staff time, legal fees etc.

There will also be tax implications. None of us can simply ‘give away’ huge sums of money.

Given I have no skin in the game, you are the one projecting.

I am still waiting for someone to explain how she funds potential care needs in the future if she gives a load of it away?

Presumably BIL had reasonable life opportunities similar to his brother, and as a mother who has taken advantage of her opportunities and expanded her wealth she’s set that example. I’m wondering why BIL is living pay cheque to pay cheque and what stopped him getting his life in order before having children? It’s easy to post enough to imply she’s just mean and unkind, but it’s her money and she’s possibly got her own reasons for not bailing him out.

I generally feel neutral towards most people. I do tend to say I'm not that fond of people, but I do actually tend to like the people I meet, so maybe I aren't as neutral as I like to say I am. Doesn't matter. I'm good to people and helpful and generous, so no big deal. People are all deserving of being treated kindly, though I don't have much sympathy for people who won't help themselves (note: won't, not can't). If anything I've had to learn not to be too generous because I have very much learned that there are a lot of people who will use you for your generosity. So I am much more cautious these days.

You don't know what you are reading in people's posts, even if you think you do. What you will be reading in mine is actually burnout from caregiving everyone. I just don't have the emotional energy to give lout ike I used to. I also have my own health issues so have become more self contained. Nothing wrong with that.

No, I wouldn't behave like this MIL but we don't know her side of the story, so I'm not going to judge her either.

She would. There are other factors at play too but didnt want to go into detail. Totally fair point in some situations, but not this one.

Good for you that you have integrity and chose to gave your MIL's gift to your children. That was generous of you. In my opinion, that would be the response of any kind and loving parent. In this situation, the MIL is the opposite, despite her having been gifted (gifted, not earned) many, many multiples of the wealth that you were gifted. No decent, loving parent, even decent human being, would be happy to live a lavish lifestyle while their DC struggled.

'I'm not a big fan of people in general and keep a small and tight circle, but I don't give people that much power in my life that they give me unrest either.'
This really does come across in your posts. It sounds as if you have a innate dislike of people in general and are naturally distrusting (suspicious). I don't feel like that at all. I like people in the main, and my DC more than anyone else, so would not dream of behaving as this MIL does.

And you'd be wrong. See what I wrote in my previous post:

My MIL recently gave us some money. We could have traveled, done some work on the house, paid off the remaining mortgage or whatever else would be helpful, but we didn't. We paid off our children's student loans with most of it because that gives them the most free start to adult life. We want to make it as easy as possible for them. I remember how uncomfortable the student loan was for me and the pressure it put me under. I don't even know if there is more to come when she dies, or not, and I don't care. My children have a great attitude to such gifts though, and it was appreciated, not something they felt we owed them.

That is my choice. I don't think someone is wrong if they make a different choice for whatever reason is right for them.

Well, yes, that would definitely be another approach. Suck up and hope it pays off at the end. I personally wouldn't want to be that kind of person. I have some integrity.

I have never asked my parents for anything, and we have really struggled at times. I've even told them they should spend all their money on a big trip if that's what they wanted. I'm not materially driven. I can't imagine feeling that they should 'do' for me, because they have more.

I'm not resentful or suspicious of people. I'm not a big fan of people in general and keep a small and tight circle, but I don't give people that much power in my life that they give me unrest either.

My MIL recently gave us some money. We could have traveled, done some work on the house, paid off the remaining mortgage or whatever else would be helpful, but we didn't. We paid off our children's student loans with most of it because that gives them the most free start to adult life. We want to make it as easy as possible for them. I remember how uncomfortable the student loan was for me and the pressure it put me under. I don't even know if there is more to come when she dies, or not, and I don't care. My children have a great attitude to such gifts though, and it was appreciated, not something they felt we owed them.

I don't think it would have been wrong if we had decided to do otherwise. I had to pay off my own student loans and build everything I have with no help. I want to do differently for my children but someone else who feels a different way isn't wrong to make different choices for whatever reason is right for them.

I think you're the mother in law, or cut from the same cloth.

Sounds like a miserable life, hoarding wealth while watching your offspring struggle in a rental house.

She didn't even earn it - it was gifted to her.

Exactly. Most DC who 'step away' do so for good reasons, after years of bad treatment and perhaps abuse. What you say about stepping away because of not receiving money that you think you are entitled to makes no sense, as I already said. The sort of people who are only interested in a relative because of their money would logically do the opposite of what you have stated. They would make sure to stay in touch and flatter said relative even if they hated them!

It does sound as if you are doing a lot of projecting here and throwing out your rubbish. It sounds as if you feel that you have been badly treated and are now resentful and suspicious of people.

It's her money, though, and her life? Just because you're in proximity to it doesn't mean you're entitled to it? Maybe she knew her children and their partners would be this way and that's why she makes you all fend for yourselves?

Neither does yours. Most people wouldn't step away simply because they aren't being given money by an older relative. Most have good reasons for sure. However, there's always a few bad apples and there are some people in the world who would distance themselves because they aren't given what they think they are due when they have no entitlement to it. Those are the kind of people I am talking about that I am better off without in my life. That's the rubbish taking itself out.

General stinginess and a one sided relationship are different to an expectation of being handed wads of cash though.

I'm going to reserve judgement on the MIL. I've seen it so many times at work where I hear one side of something and it sounds so true and plausible. Then I hear the other side or get wider context and suddenly the reasoning of the party who appears to be wrong is very fair and sound.

I'm willing to bet that MIL is going to leave the bulk of it to her partner anyway. Probably a token payment to her children. Just guessing.

How have you reached that conclusion from what the pp posted?

Do you honestly think that children distance themselves from their parents because they are jealous of their money? Any parent whose child distances themselves should be questioning their own behaviour because, in most of these situations, the parent is chiefly at fault. Besides, if the pp were to distance herself because of the MIL's behaviour (see post, which comments on her being selfish, stingy and not someone she can respect for the reasons given), she likely wouldn't receive any £££. How does that square with your conclusions? I'm afraid your post makes no sense.

Husband's Mum lived to 96. Wouldn't sell the house and move to something smaller. Had her two single sons living with her until the end so that she could "look after my boys". The two married sons with children were tolerated by their brothers.

When she died the house was sold and split between her sons. One of the singles was the executor and ballsed it up. Paid out the inheritances and a year later wanted money back to cover the taxes. My husband had asked if they estate was settled and was assured that it was. A million is a million.

Turns out the two singles wanted their money to buy their own places and couldn't wait. The two married brothers had learnt to live within their means over the years.

Yes, it would have been nice to have some help earlier. I mean the singles lived for free with their Mum. No rent, no food money. They did the garden. So they had ample funds to save.

When the funds arrived in our chequing account, the husband gave each of our sons 10% of his inheritance to give them a start.

Just today, he said that the money came too late for us and that he's glad his Mum had a long life. Our mortgage was paid, our cars were paid and he'd retired when the funds arrived.

So yes, we travel.

You really think SIL would pay her back?

The road to hell is paved with good intentions,

Having not heard the reasoning of the parent, I'll withhold judgement until then. Which obviously won't happen.

If she lives like this, what makes you think she would leave her children anything??

Entitlement to someone’s stuff isn’t the same as being upset that your multi-millionaire parent is happy to stand back and watch you have to dress your children in second hand clothing.

That is most definitely a very, very good reason to distance yourself from
a parent.