Wealthy MIL hoarding money

From an IHT point of view she'd be well advised to start divesting herself of the rental properties soon, they're sticky assets with poor liquidity and have nothing in the way of reliefs to alleviate the tax.

She doesn't have to do anything of course, it is after all her money and wealth.

If she's benefitted from a large inheritance and has an adult child who's struggling, it might be good of her to pay it forward. Plus there is the bonus of making her estate more tax efficient.

How much would gifting money to her adult kids impact on her lifestyle?

Would she have to go on less holidays/downsize/have less financial security? If she's healthy and hoping to live to a very old age then surely its sensible ensuring she has the means ro fund this.

Also, could bil better his situation himself? Does him and his partner (if he has one) work? Are they just expecting other to fund a lifestyle they want but can't afford?

I enjoy treating my kids and would like to do that if I ever get to a stage where I comfortably can.

But a lot depends on family dynamics. Is bil entitled? Does he show her compassion and care or is she just a potential pay check to him? These things all matter.

So she’s also a business woman.

maybe approach her in that capacity?

Are there any ways you could go into her business with her? Undertake tasks she delegates or services she pays for?

Because then you would actually deserve the money and not just be sponging off her.

She would probably see you as more deserving too.

You’re probably right to feel disappointed. But the money belongs to your MIL until she passes and is hers to do with as she chooses. I find it distasteful when people are mentally calculating how much longer their parent has left. It kind of sounds like they want them to pop off sooner so their wealth can be passed down.

Well yes of course she can, that is so beyond obvious why even bother to post it?
It's not a nice way to be though is it.
When you have squillions and you can see your family are struggling, says a lot about her character doesn't it.

This

She sounds miserable, I suppose your BIL may end up with it in the end and I guess it’s also fairly unusual for someone who grew up in privileged families to end up
as skint as him. I do tend to think richer people are more stingy than those of more modest means, that’s why they end up so rich in the first place.

There is a thread like this every week - very odd as I dont know anyone IRL like this.

In theory it’s her money and nothing to do with you. Stand on your own two feet.

However, in your position I would feel exactly as you do. In fact I’d feel bordering on murderous. I just don’t understand how she wouldn’t want to help her kids now, when it would make such a difference.

I have a friend who was always in a similar situation to you. She and her husband worked SO hard, brought up their three kids on a shoestring budget. Only holidays were camping in the UK.

Then the old bat (she was a horrible woman) finally died. Our friends paid off their mortgage, retired (early 60s), gave they’d kids a deposit each for a property and bought a beautiful family villa in Portugal that they can all enjoy. They’re going on amazing holidays to far flung exciting places and having a whale of a time.

YANBU to feel exasperated.

I think the rules are different with multi-generational wealthy families.

Then it’s more like taking the whole parcel home half way through a game of pass-the-parcel. “But I was given it!” Yes, yes you were. But there’s a reciprocal expectation here that you have benefited from.

Yanbu, I can’t imagine seeing my kids struggle along in life and not do anything.

I would think knowing you were going to be financially secure in your old age would be quite nice but when she does pass your dh can pass the money straight down to your kids rather than "hoarding" it. And you never know your luck, she may drop dead tomorrow, then think how happy you'll be. Or she could leave it all to the local cat shelter , of course, so probably best to keep your feelings well hidden.

If you’re saying she might potentially live to her 90s doesn’t she have to find that and keep her lifestyle going until then too? My mum used to help us with bills, pay for the odd fuel order, electricity, she got us out of trouble a lot. She wasn’t rich and i thought at what point does this step? So we lied about how we were doing (oh we’ve gotten up to date, thank you thank you). I don’t totally understand that she doesn’t help a bit but are you totally sure she never has? Because if my siblings knew all my dm had done for us I’ve no doubt there’d be rumblings. And if she hasn’t and they’re struggling so much where does she draw the line? A holiday? The house? College fund?

What’s the story with your BIL? Why is he on his uppers? Is he ill, or has he had a traumatic childhood/ young adulthood?

I disagree with the idea that every wealthy family member has to bail out the rest of their family and TBH it quite often makes things worse. Resentment, judgment, jealousy from other siblings. It can be totally toxic. Plus surely adults should be able to stand on their own feet in most cases?

I think I’d be encouraging your DH to focus on how he can help his brother and forgetting about your MIL.

Think op is already on the countdown for that!
She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

I would find it hard to understand as well OP. Like you we are helping our adult children to get started in adult life (without enabling them - they’re both mature enough to understand the value of the support).

But MIL is a different person. She may be driven by fear of not having enough (ludicrous though that would seem from the outside), she may have no understanding of the reality of BILs life. She may just be greedy and find meaning in wealth.

Whatever her motivations all you can do is know you are different and let it go.

Unless there's a back story re the relationship between mother and sons etc. I think that's an awful way to live a life of wealth. Not helping out children in need of it when the potential donor wouldn't miss it in the slightest, is very mean and cruel IMO.

It is just that, and most "normal" people would think the same.

But as I said, no one knows the history of the family bonds etc.

You will get a lot of responses about how it is her money and her choice. Which is absolutely true.

I agree in principle though, it doesn't seem fair. I have a family member who lives a great life with multiple properties, holidays etc while their child lives in one room. I don't understand it either. However I don't feel you can change it, people make their own decision - however we may view it

Surprised there has been no conversation about inheritance already. I assume she’s made a Will (fingers crossed). Estates can be complicated beasts, and Probate can take up to 18 months, so all that needs to be planned out.

…and yes, I would help my kids & grandkids out, it’s nice to treat people - there are no pockets in a shroud.

Well what’s the difference in yours and BIL lifestyle?
mn full of posts bemoaning their financial situations… then the op will disclose they work 3 hrs 3 times a week in a “very niche, low paid role, but they love it and is their dream job”,..

I would feel the same as you OP.
Yes, it is her money and she can do what she wants with it, but I too find it odd that very wealthy parents do make the choice not to help family out.
Unfortunately there’s probably not a lot that you can do about it. Hopefully the grandchildren will benefit from a good inheritance when the time comes.

Also this is a good idea. Even if your DH said it as “we are ok for money but brother could do with help”. Or she could offer a reduced rent house for him.

You’ll get loads of people on here telling you you’re being grabby, it’s her money blah blah. But I’m with you op!. Why would you watch your own child and grandchildren struggle when they don’t need to.

Did she get a leg up or inherit? If she inherited when her parents died, I'd say that is different to actively choosing to distribute early.

Have either of them asked for help?