Wealthy MIL hoarding money

This. ^ No-one should be told what to do with their own money, but it takes a special kind of cold heart to watch your adult children and their families struggle financially whilst you're sitting on millions. I would quietly ghost her. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life, and when she needs care she can pay for it out of her 'millions.'

I couldn't live with myself if I had multiple millions and my children were on the bones of their arse.

There HAS to be more to this. What kind of person keeps all their millions to themselves and doesn't help their loved ones when they need it?

YANBU @hoardingwealth

Same here, she's obviously aware but is making an informed choice not to help.

She may have notions about the importance of being self sufficient. I also know some people who feel like female children are to be supported but male children are expected to make their own way. So there may be antiquated thinking around that. Or perhaps bil has made a conscious choice to seperate from her and to not take anything from her due to strings being attached and that's his choice. You may not have the full picture and really there's no such thing as 'free' money.

Perhaps she saw how her situation hasn’t been good for her and wants her sons to make their own way in the world.

In any case, it’s up to BIL to sort out his own life and ask her for help if he needs it.

Its her money, she can do as she pleases with it.

I find it so grabby and greedy when others try to inject their feelings/needs into someone else's finances.

If your dh is 70 when he inherits he is still incredibly lucky, and you children will also benefit, but your MIL will be dead.

Maybe enjoy the time she is alive and that she is enjoying the money she has living a nice life, because many people dont

Just to say some elderly Dr's mainly ime are absolutely terrified of old age and know their adult children would not care for them. I know of one case sadly very close to me, where an elderly retired gp regularly with draws cash and sleeps with a suitcase of it under his bed (tens if not hundreds of thousands of pounds) so his lovely daughter in Australia can pop on the first flight over when he snuffs it and avoid declaring. His biggest fear is not being able to pay for care. He has a cleaner an ex patient he treats well. Noone else cares. Gives me the rage. He always pays if I take him out but believe me his daughter is watching. Horrid, she has claimed that he beat her as a child & the nice gentleman I see was not always the case. I dont know what to think apart from feeling deeply uncomfortable about the ££.

I agree with you.

But I bet your MIL thinks they are not trying hard enough themselves. Not 'bettering' themselves. MIL has likely forgotten the help she received and now only recalls the hard work she put in to make it successful / continue to be successful.

@Rainbowdottie “extensive travel” and “frugal” are quite the oxymoron. You can choose how to spend your money in your retirement, but be honest about it. You put travel higher in your priorities than helping your son with a deposit for a property. It’s ok to do that, and having him live with you is a different way of helping, but people wouldn’t be wrong to suggest you could help your son if you really wanted to.

Not entirely true. If she was in a home where the LA don’t commission care (possibly too expensive) she would have had to move nursing home to somewhere the LA would fund

You will get loads of people telling you how terrible you are for even suggesting that she might want to help. But I’m fully with you. Hoarding family money while your children are struggling is pretty grim of her.

@Holesinmesocks
At least she's well financed for old age care if she needs it.
She's spending HER money how she wants to, you don't have to like it in any capacity.

Quite.
Must be so frustrating not to be able to wield the usual threat that "If you don't look after us, you won't be looked after in your old age."
Sounds like she'll be fine if she needs care and if the money has to go on that and there's none left...ah well.

I am with you op it’s selfish. My parents are obsessed with saving money, they are both pensioners and literally just have cars sat in the garage they never touch as they are “assests”. They live like they are in poverty, yet have no actual need too they are very well off. Both due inheritances from parents soon which is more major substantial money.

My siblings lives in a house with 1950s fittings and we live on the bread line. 🤷‍♀️ both said one day they will pass the money on, but we’ll both be in our 70s/80s by then so pointless for us.
and no my parents never helped we have occasionaly asked for help when we’ve been stuck but it must always be repaid.
My dad isn’t in the best of health, and guess who will be expected to look after them when it gets worse? Yes you guessed it despite being a carer my entire adult life. I already help my mother with things now they even share my netflix account as they don’t want to pay for it themselves.

You're going to get a lot of flack for this OP from the 'it's her money and she can do as she damn well pleases' parade. Which bottom line is true.

It doesn't make it less of a shitty thing to do as a parent. I think most of us would give our last tenner for our children, so to recieve an enormous leg up yourself and then not help your children in return is pretty odd parenting behaviour- however I will caveat that with seemingly a fairly common attitude within the boomer generation from my own experience (this is obviously opinion, not fact before I'm jumped on by a bunch of overtly generous boomers).

I wouldn't call taking 'several long haul holidays every year, always business class' hoarding money, would you?. That's quite an expense and one that I'd never be able to afford. Still, it's nice to see her enjoying her money.

People need to understand that 'inheritance' happens after death and stop obsessing about it. Enjoy your own life. Your health is your wealth.

3% is 30,000, I wouldn’t really say that is awful

I agree op, sound weird. Why wouldn't you help your children have a decent quality if life if you could? Can you dp have a chat with her about helping out BIL? As others have said also makes sense of future IHT planning...

Maybe she doesn't like her kids or their choice of partners or life choices. It might be the cost of living, but there are loads of threads about relatives not giving people money and stuff where it's obvious they don't even like each other. It makes the expectation of help and gifts strange and lacking awareness.

Perhaps OP doesnt know the family background, as she married into the family.

Perhaps the BiL has refused to work, not taken opportunities, had drug or alcohol issues.
It could be ‘tough love’, BiL needs to earn his own money, build his own success and not live off others.

Could be any reason or no reason. But her choice.

My parents (when I asked why they live very poorly) said they were scared of money running out and being ‘back where they started’. I didn’t know until that conversation that my DM had to drop out of her grammar school education because her family hadn’t enough money to pay for the bus to get her there. Yes, they have loads saved too, but they want to be able to look after themselves. They have every right to do that.

Tricky one but I suspect MIL in some way disapproves of your BIL financial management. Being on minimum wage jobs and having child (? Children) without having clear financial plans.
No idea why she doesn't help the child/children and bypass him. Set up trust funds etc. That would be good financial planning to avoid inheritance tax.

FIL was fairly wealthy (no where near the scale of yours) but went the other way. Bought new car every 3 years and passed "old" one to my SIL as she "doesn't have much".. Even in later years when no longer driving paid everything for her. Tax, mot, service, meals out.. She is now struggling as he passed and the money tree has gone until probate is sorted. So I wonder if you mil thinks they may be irresponsible with the money?

I can't imagine being worth millions, especially through pure luck (inheritance/lottery win) and sitting by watching my loved ones struggle to get by day to day. Especially children (grandchildren) through no fault of their own.

It may be in bad taste to wonder about this or ask the question as some on here believe, but I think it's an even worse look to live the life of riley based on the hard work of others (people who left you the money) while your own children and grandchildren are on the bread line through no fault of their own.

It's none of your business what she does with her own money. I'm sure she has her reasons.

Whilst this is certainly true would you live that sort of lifestyle whilst your child and grandchildren were crammed into a tiny house?
Surely you would at least let them live rent free in one of your many properties?
Im with you op, DH and I have only ever earned average salaries but we managed to save some money to help our adult DC’s get on the housing ladder. We understand how hard it is nowadays and even if houses were cheap we would still want to help them because we love them.

I'm with you OP. Yes it's selfish.

I think lots of the people saying how dare you think about her money! are the same ones who wouldn’t say no to first car / gap year / Uni / wedding help / house deposit / free childcare / school fees / holidays etc…