Wealthy MIL hoarding money

Ooh emotional blackmail. That’s a good idea

But so many usual variables does she like her GC ? Does she see legacy etc ,does she make other efforts with them ?

Id def go down the route of GC however and that may unlock her thing for bil.

The state can and does move people into care homes that they are willing to fund because of cost. These homes can be not as nice and further away from visitors.

And why should the state pick it up? She’s done exactly the right thing saved up for her old age and then used every penny to make her life more comfortable.

@hoardingwealth
Having a direct convo with her may help

Unless she thinks your bil has put you up tonite.

However depending on how often you see her and how easily you can chat ..how you feel she feels about her GC you could try and wend into conservation about investing for GC now.

Eg if she put money into an stocks ISA for her GC now how little she would need to put in for it to be a good amount for GC at 18. In addition she could also contribute to a sipp for her GC and similary that would have decades to accumulate.

Would she be interested in this.?
Perhaps it could be a causal conversation then move into concern for bills kids ? .

Perhaps frame it like your concerned your DC will have more life opportunities and you feel bad for bils kids ? .

Perhaps even lie and say your parents have done the above for your DC so you don't need this but perhaps She could could for her GC ?

I think you all sound grabby. If she gives BIL money, then unless it’s millions he will keep needing it - presumably he would still do a minimum wage job?

You say SIL works term time as they can’t afford childcare.

Maybe she feels that she shouldn’t have to bail them out of a situation they consciously got into (unless they too were minted originally) and that the money will disappear quickly.

Why do you begrudge her so much? That attitude will not make her more generous.

Who dies with £1M in their current account? Was she a drug dealer? Did she take a lot of holidays in Mexico? I'd be very suspicious that she wasn't leading some sort of double life (probably an illegal one, at that) to get her hands on that type of money...

I can't even pay those crooks at Thames Water!

You have no idea about what conversations may or may not have already happened. She may have already given them money and it's been wasted. He might have made ridiculous financial decisions that MIL advised against and now doesn't want to fix. There could be many reasons.

I do find it sad that people would rather die and give their loved ones everything than give some of it away when they're alive and see the benefits (and reap the thanks) of their money.

My DGM died with loads in the bank and it was then split between her children. My DF did a deed of variation so some of it went to me and my siblings so we could put down a house deposit. I'm living it in now and incredibly grateful.

But without his thought to pass it on immediately I would be living in a 2 bed flat with 2 teenage children. Adequate and in a nice area with good schools but surely it's better to do something that makes a tangible difference at the point in life where your loved ones can benefit than to leave them with just enough indefinitely?

I also completely respect people's right to do what they want with their money. My DFIL will leave everything to his second wife because of how much joy she's brought him since he left my DMIL for her. No mention of the joy his DS and DGC have given him over the last 50 years! Nope it's these last 7 that he wants to recognise. But it's his choice and knowing it helps my DH plan to work till his 70 so it's certainly helpful knowing what your DGPs or DPs are planning on doing.

I think it's more harmful if you expect something and get nothing because the time has gone to discuss it and come to terms with it.

So in essence you don't have to like it but it's very useful in helping plan and act accordingly.

On one hand I agree. If MIL is that wealthy it would be nice for her to help her son out.

On the other hand, BIL must be around 50 (given you say he and DH will be early 70s when MIL is 95), so maybe he should have made more effort to better himself by his age. If he met his partner later in life, why was he not doing extra training to get himself off MW and into better employment before? Maybe he has a good reason, or perhaps he's one of life's plodders who always hoped it would be just given to him by mummy?

@hoardingwealth If MIL's in her 70s and BIL is 50ish, had MIL inherited when her boys were still in education?

If so, I cannot understand a mother not supportng her children's education. Our DC had the best education money could buy, uni fees paid, etc.

For balance, after that level.of support if one of the DC hit 50, was on min wage in a small council house and living hand to mouth, something would have gone badly wrong and I'd want to know what and why before parting with a penny more.

I don't understand how a family with significant inter generational wealth can neglect education and something doesn't stack up here for me.

I always wonder if the generation before would have done things differently if they knew that the recipient of their generosity weren't continuing to benefit later generations.

I agree with you OP, probably due to personal experience! DGM died with £1m in her current account, her house sold for £1.5m and she had a property portfolio of 20 similar properties. There was no possible way that she needed all that money for care! She would often make silly comments about why didn’t my teacher cousin just work harder to afford a house in London and that in her day you could buy a lovely three bed house in NE London as a teacher 🙄

How I would feel about it is that it would be none of my business.

There will probably be a reason why she isn't giving you or anyone else her money, maybe not one you'd like to hear or even agree with.

Because you're expected to do it doesn't mean you have to. Maybe think carefully now about what you'll do and what you won't (and maybe discuss with the siblings)?

If I had a sibling and knew they were struggling financially and I knew my parent was very wealthy, I’d ask them (the parent) why wouldn’t they help out their son/daughter.

It sounds as though she has a high-value estate, but might not have masses of liquid cash. Mil has two successful businesses, which presumably will be passed on again when she dies. You can’t withdraw a lot of equity from a successful business without selling assets and reducing its profitability. If you all want a nice fat inheritance when she dies, she’ll need to keep investing in and growing the businesses (family business and rental properties).

She is clearly going to need to pay for her own care when she needs it as her family isn’t in a position to help.

Even if she gave a deposit to BIL, I can’t see how he and SIL would get a mortgage, given their income and debt. So there isn’t much point. I also always question people having children they can’t afford - it is still a choice and nobody should go into parenthood unless they know they can support their children from their own resources.

I know in my family my parents and PILs would give us their last penny, but then we would do anything for them, too. But in the OP’s family I can actually understand why this situation could be different.

No adult is entitled to money from their parents or to inherit but as a parent i would want to help my kids out if I could ( although I would want to do so in a way that encourages them to also work hard and get a good career if they are capable)

Could it be that she doesn’t like SIL? Does SIL have her own kid/s, not with BIL?

You see a lot of posts on here on grandparents not accepting step grand children.

I wouldn’t change my netflix, purely for my mothers sake. She’s asked mutiple times to have it and my dad decided no they have freeview.
I don’t mind caring for them to an extent, i.e if they needed a food shop taking that’s absolutely fine or help cleaning their home again fine, it’s the other side of caring I do not want to do. My sibling doesn’t have much to do with the family and it would seem really uneven if I went in and did everything while they sat on their arse and did nothing but give excuses like they currently do!

Yes exactly. If the MIL is so stingy and tight arsed while she's alive, there's a chance she may leave NOTHING to the OP's DH and his brother.

She may even spend it all before she dies.

It's a bit odd that the OP assumes that the MIL will leave everything to her DH and his brother, all the MILLIONS and the 6 bathroom MANSION, when she doesn't give them a brass farthing while she's alive.

Don't assume ANYthing @hoardingwealth

And perhaps she thinks that BIL will waste the money.

She can afford to sort all that out herself and who wants visits with people who are just waiting for her to die?

The real issue on here is that people are transactional so like to say ‘well don’t help them when they are old’. It must be annoying that you can’t hold that over her head.

There will be all the comments about how she is tootally reasonable and it is her money and you are BU to expect otherwise - but I completely agree with you. Why wouldn;t you want to help your children/family, especially when you yourself benifitted from other people helping you?

DH's parents came into a life changing amount when they were early 20s and it has set them up for life. Various relatives died over the years and they got more and more - but did they distribute it to their children? No. They moved DH to the country when he was a teen and just when we anted to be close to his friends and easy access to school and social activities - did they care? No, just thought about what they wanted and he had to fit in. They had the cheek to tell him that when he was their age he would be set up as they would develop their big plot and he'd see the benefits - did he? No? He's over 20 years older than they were when they moved there. Now they want him to bend over backwards so that he can help them continue to live in that house - does he want to help them? Of course not - do they have a loving relationship, no, it's all based on obligation, and it is so sad.

My parents on the otherhand came from families with a lot less money, but they helped where they could. Consequently, my parents have helped us a lot, and continue to do so. They get pleasure from seeing their children benefit from the help they have been able to give them. I know what I'll be doing for my family.

My dad doesn’t have the kind of money you are talking about OP, but he certainly is well off. For context, he earned over £10k in interest payments last year. He invested wisely when he was working and then received a significant inheritance when my grandma died.

I went to a normal state school, paid for my driving lessons (after a block of 5 paid for as a birthday present), paid for my car, worked part time from age 14, had no help with a house deposit and have never been given a “hand out”. Dad pays for a few meals out a year and gives nice birthday/Christmas presents to me and my children, but they are in the region of £50each.

I don’t feel I’m entitled to anything more. I’ve been brought up to work hard for what I have. I want my dad to enjoy the money he has while he can. I don’t begrudge his holidays or his new cars- they make him happy and that’s what I want for him. One day I will inherit something from him but that will mean I won’t have him anymore and I know what I’d rather have.