Wealthy MIL hoarding money

I think I’d need to know the background.

For example why can’t one of them at least get a better job? Retrain? Retake exams? Do over time and get promoted? Are they both off at weekends- if so why can’t one of them do a second job whilst the other looks after the kids? Why have they got credit card debt and why did they have kids without apparently thinking through the consequences?

None of us know the full story but if I felt like I would be giving money to fund a lifestyle I thought was a waste of time or worse would mean that there was no incentive for my kids to try to better themselves I wouldn’t do it, however rich I was.

I think it's really selfish. I could never watch my DC struggle. My parents and grandparents aren't/weren't wealthy but they still did what they could to help the younger generation and I intent to do the same when my DC are adults. It seems the more people have the greedier they can be.

There is a balance to be had here. I have gifted my kids house deposits and I have funded them through University. On occasion I will fund nice days out and I will fund treats. However we should be building self reliance in our children and this means that they need to be accountable for their own decisions and the consequences these have for what they can and cannot afford. Allowing our kids to live unaffordable lifestyles in turn robs our grandkids of their future as there will be no-one able to fund them or help with deposits.

There’s nothing tackier on Mumsnet than resentful dil’s eyeing their mil’s bank account.

She's incredibly well-off and will able to pay for any care she may need

People are strange and there can be some weird psychology going on with money. I remember my MIL panicked about my FIL retiring even though he had a decent pension they owned 2 houses and had inherited from both parents. They’ll go on lots of tropical holidays , rented a sailing boat to go round the Caribbean last year, Africa holiday done this year , off to Asia next month but when we see her she’ll still be fretting about being weirdly frugal with some things and obviously worries about money. They also have a big 6 bed house, feelings about money aren’t always logical. Maybe your mil is similar.
how is she with her grandchildren, is she interested in having a relationship with them?

If its the choice between leaving it to greedy family or giving it away, don’t be so sure…

Jesus what is it with people who seem to think that once a person is over the age of 70 their money becomes up for negotiation? She is not “hoarding” money @hoardingwealth- do you see yourself as “hoarding” money if you have any savings?

And if your BIL is so strapped for cash has he considered making different choices in life? I wouldn’t count on an inheritance because with vultures like you I’d leave everything to the local cat sanctuary in her shoes.

Put the calculator down and leave her alone. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if someone was totting up every penny you spend.

Feel for you. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t help out. Iguess you will get a bigger inheritance in the end but be nice to have a little of it now.

Lol she has never given away anything to charity before! Can't see that one happening.

Yes, it’s her money but I could never sit back and watch my family struggle if I was able to help. It’s an unkind thing of her to do.

But I do wonder how your BIL has ended up living paycheque to paycheque when surely he must have had an excellent education and plenty of opportunities when growing up? Or has MIL never spent any money on her children?

You don’t know you will get it though. She could leave it to charity.

If I was rich and had the slightest hint that my potential beneficiaries were resenting me like that, I would do that

So not being greedy is being a doormat?

Parents give up a lot for their children. Then for those children to turn round and say they want more or they will leave the parent to get on with it is transactional.

The one thing the older generation does seem to have fucked up is the sense of entitlement they seem to have given to their children.

And she doesn’t need anything from them so that’s clearly frustrating.

It’s not how I choose to do things. We have helped our children and will do so in the future whilst we are young and around to see them benefit from it. BUT, I can’t stand it when people feels entitled to someone else’s money and if my children had that attitude, I wouldn’t be happy.

We have a relative who have said that it wouldn’t hurt us to help them out as they are struggling. They’re not, they’re just not as financially secure as we are. Entitled fuckers.

My MIL is the same. Owns 6 properties, 5 of which are rented out, plus generous final salary pensions for her and FIL, + government pension etc. Yet when she came to stay with us for 4 months following an operation and we took care of her she was too stingy to even buy us a take away as a thank you. She asked one day, I gave her the menu, she baulked at the cost and told me to cook instead! DH has been unemployed for awhile yet it doesn't even cross her mind that it would be nice of her to buy us a meal as a thank you.

I try to keep my thoughts to myself and just think of the inheritance that me and the kids will get. Nothing you can do to change their mindset.

I absolutely agree with you. What’s the point of having money if you can’t do good things with it. My mum is an absolute hot mess and completely dysfunctional as a parent and grandparent. But when I got to the point of having children and buying a home in my 30s, she said, here is a portion of your inheritance, do what you need to do with it.

We added it to our deposit to buy our house. She said she’d rather see us enjoy it while she was alive and we had a young family and needed the boost than after she was dead and the kids were grown. For all she has gotten wrong, I am grateful for that.

No, of course, no one owes you anything 🙄 but if you care about your family and are able to acknowledge the incredible privilege that wealth brings, you would want to pull your children and grandchildren up with you if you are a decent loving parent.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta she maybe very self centered and lit ally not thought about her DC nornher GC.
Most people want their own blood line to be secure and supported in life they really don't want their children or GC struggling and living in poverty.

Most people do want to leave their legacy to their family hence mil inheriting her families assists.
Most people want to leave their assets to their family not the gov

i don’t understand your MIL. Why wouldn’t you help your kids! I would live on bread and water to see my kids and grandkids have the nicer things in life not just the essentials.

I couldn’t enjoy living like your MIL if my children were struggling… in her position I would never have allowed them to be in that situation in the first place.

“She can do what she wants with her money”

yes of course but what does it say about you if that’s what you choose to do with your money?

Unlikely. The idea that people are obliged to keep their children everything is rather new.

@Birchtree1 you continued to pay for hobbies while turning the heating and hot water for your children off?

is your STBXH not paying CM?

It’s not transactional as in it must be something for something but why would you put yourself out and be inconvenienced for someone who clearly would not do the same for you? That is the behaviour of a doormat who has no sense of self worth.

Where is your husband and BILs father in all this? Is MIL in a relationship, or single?