Wealthy MIL hoarding money

The majority of people who don't pay for their kids' driving lessons aren't millionaires. An awful lot of people who aren't millionaires still pay for their kids' driving lessons if they can afford to.

Of course a parent should help their children if they can. Some people are so selfish and self-centred. Sadly, nothing you can do about it.

It does seam very odd.

I think the point is it was never all her money. Her parents started her off but she didn’t pass the favour on

Presumably if she gives BIL money you'll expect your DH to get the same 😉.

Your MIL's money is not your business.

Everyone is different. It would give me huge pleasure to be able to help my kids out if I had the means. Each to their own though.

Just because she didn’t pay for driving lessons and private school? Did she also only allow them bread and water. The majority of people in the UK go to state school and pay for their own driving lessons FFS

What reason did she give for refusing when asked?

As a mother myself there is no way I could be like her. I would imagine she wasn’t a very affectionate mum when they were growing up. I’d give my kids my last pennies and am always thinking of ways to be able to help them with deposits in the future even though I don’t have much.

MIL has no obligation to fund her adult children's lifestyles. Does BIL actually want financial help or have you just assumed so on his behalf? No matter that the money she has is inherited wealth, she can spend the lost on whatever she wants. Nobody has a right to their parents' money. It's greedy and entitled.

We’ve had a vaguely similar situation.

MIL recently received her “inheritance” - her dad has moved into a council funded care home and because his house was signed over to her and her sibling years ago they’ve sold it and banked the cash.

MIL has no assets, rents her home, no savings, etc.

She’s spending her dad’s life savings on luxury holidays. She goes away at least 6 times a year. She won’t have anything to leave her own children when she passes away.

My SIL recently had to borrow £200 off her as she’s a single mum and struggling financially and needed food, gas and electricity. Her mum has insisted she pays it back as she “has a Caribbean cruise booked” and needs the money.

It feels selfish to me.

Her money wasn’t stolen from her, it was used to pay for her care.

@HeyThereDelila i disagree.

Ops own children are doing better than their cousins so of course it impacts her and this is the line she could use.

It wasn't stolen though, it paid for her care. The taxpayers are grateful and so, I imagine, are her family who did not have to care for her themselves.

Even going back a generation, the financial and practical support that my grandparents generation offered to their children was enormous. It continued until my grandparents died in their it's/90's. That same support isn't offered down to my own generation even in smaller ways. That isn't about money or free time, it is a shift in how people 'do' family.

I know that people will be on to say that times have changed, people are working longer etc. I don't have a problem with never receiving any help, I've never known any different. What is upsetting is when people of my parents generation refuse to acknowledge that there has been a shift.

Acknowledgement that the way that we are s a society 'do' family is not an acknowledgement that one generation did something wrong. It would be a starting point of a discussion about why that happened and how we all as a society would like to move forward. If that is us moving forward with family care and support becoming the exception rather than the rule I think we all need to be aware and talking about that.

YANBU. My ex in laws are not worth that much, but they had a lot of help from the state, grandparents in terms of childcare, received a nice inheritance but very much pulled the ladder up behind them.

@Cyclebabble not sure .

We can't allow adult DC anything .
Budgeting and costing is very poor in the UK ie even people on larger salaries can't manage their money.
Any grandparent however can help by giving money to the GC via junior stocks ISA and sipps for later on .

It’s her money to spend as she pleases. Maybe she thinks BIL is feckless and doesn’t deserve bailing out?

Either way, it’s not your business or money.

YANBU.

FIL (only child) inherited extremely well from his parents. He has so much money in different accounts, that he’s now trying to sort due to MIL’s MH (she has been sectioned multiple times and we now think there’s possibly more going on). They live together but the relationship has completely broken down and we’re constantly receiving phone calls from one or the other.

MIL has been extremely outspoken (to those that will listen) about her Will (which has been changed at least 6 times in as many years) and now she’s stating that all of her money will be going to a member of staff who ‘treated her like a Princess’ where she was last sectioned, hence FIL wanting to sort his financial affairs out.

Tbh, it’s a mess. We tried to help by setting up an appointment with a financial advisor, but the advice has fallen on deaf ears. FIL could ‘gift’ family members so much per year, he could even ‘gift’ us £5K for our wedding from 6 years ago, but he doesn’t seem to want to give any of his wealth away, which is his right, but he’s constantly going on about it, about how much he has and that he hasn’t changed his Will since ‘94 and he needs to do something about it. Will’s cost money to set up, he doesn’t want to part with his money to do this.

Financial advisor gave some useful advice, and needed further information from FIL, but he’s not bothering. MIL has given the deeds to their property to someone and won’t tell FIL to who. FIL won’t fork out the money to buy copies of the deeds.

If anything were to happen to FIL (god forbid) then MIL will have everything and the inheritance FIL wishes for his two sons, will go to someone else. That’s why FIL wants to do something beforehand, but doesn’t want to let go of his finances on the other.

It’s a mess and one which, if not sorted soon, will be a complete nightmare to sort if things aren’t legally put in the place.

In your case OP, I’d feel the same as you. I’ve helped my DS no end and couldn’t see him struggle, even though I’m not extremely wealthy. Even though our situation is different, FIL is the same with the hoarding of his wealth, that’s his choice too but it’s almost like he wants to brag about how much he has, and talks about what he could do with it. It’s certainly not made him happy, which is quite sad really.

OP has said that both her DH and her BIL went to normal comprehensive schools and paid for their own driving lessons. It doesn't sound as though their wealthy mum has ever spent money on her children.

My grandmother was the same, wanted to sit on her big golden egg proudly before bequeathing it to her children upon her death. It ALL went on her care as she developed dementia in her late 70s and then it was a slow decline over around fifteen years. She had no idea that her golden egg was cracking underneath her. Kept telling my DF how wealthy he would be when she died.

I’m not saying her money shouldn’t have paid for her care. I’m saying that she never imagined that the thing she was most proud of, her nest egg, would be stolen out from under her. She was certain that she would make her children rich when she died.

DF was the executor of her will and when it came down to dividing up her finances after her death each of her five children got the princely sum of £8000.

If I’m wealthy in my seventies I am absolutely going to pay my grandchildren’s uni fees or rent, and help them buy a home while I have capacity. If I become unwell like my grandmother I won’t care what home I’m in, or how much it costs, hopefully some of my money will have gone to my loved ones.

YUBU to think you can have any say in how others use their money and people spending their own money how they choose is not "hoarding".
There is no obligation to support adult children financially.
There is no obligation to leave your estate to adult children even if you inherited Its a personal choice that differs depending on your feelings ,its your prerogative.
I think you cant be certain how your MIL feels about it without discussing it with her. In the circumstances you describe perhaps your DH could discuss his mothers wishes regarding her estate and what she wants to happen as she get older and on her death (this can be difficult) .Also discuss with hiss brother how he feels about asking his mother for help as he and his family are struggling.
Its complicated and peoples feelings are different.

I feel the same as you. She doesn’t sound like a decent person or a good mother. Some people aren’t very nice, that’s just how the world is.

All though not as wealthy as your MIL, my parents are similar.
About 20 years we were nearly bankrupt through no fault of our own. Dh had is own buisness and a perfect storm of a huge non payment, needing a new piece of machinery and the financial crash which saw an end to orders coming had us stressed out and no money. I was working full time and dh wax on the verge of a breakdown.

Mum and dad lent us £100 so we could buy food for the kids but wanted it back within the month.They are definitely skint. They bought my brother a house the following year so he didn't have to rent.

MIL who was widowed and didn't have much money and was very elderly at the time sold some of her things to help us. She looked after the children so I could work and save money by not paying a childminder. She would cook us food out of her own budget
SiL rallied round and helped as much as she could and her husband would come home from work and then help dh to get his business back on track with no expectation of payment, just ' we'll get you back there mate!'

When I tried to talk to my mum about how bad things were the attitude was 'so sad, too bad'
Mim and dad wonder why im closer to Dh's family than them.
We didn't want much , just some shopping now and again and I made it clear I would pay it back.

Things are really good now. We have a great standard of living, money in the bank, no financial worries and so on but I dont forget who had our backs and who would let us sink.

I've just edited this, blimey that felt cathartic!