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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wealthy MIL hoarding money

687 replies

hoardingwealth · 19/04/2026 09:03

MIL is worth a few Million. Lives in a 6 bed, 6 bath mansion. Has multiple cars. Takes several long haul holidays every year, always business class. Lots of investments. Lots and lots of properties that she rents out. She's in very good health and in her mid 70's. Most women in the family live until 95. I'd say she's on track to do the same.

Now here's the rub. She was given a property and a business by her wealthy parents. She also inherited substantially. But she has effectively pulled up the ladder behind her, and has not given any such help to DH or his brother. We are ok for money, however BIL is on the breadline. He has young kids too. They are crammed into a tiny ex-council house and live pay cheque to pay cheque. They have no treats or niceties, no meals out, no holidays etc, as the money just won't stretch.

Obviously when MIL passes, unless she needs care, DH and BIL will receive a very nice inheritance, but if she does indeed live until 95, DH and BIL will be in their early 70's by then.

How would you feel about this? I'm struggling to wrap my head around it, tbh. DH and I have adult children, and we have helped them financially to get on the housing ladder, to get married etc, even though we don't have anything near this kind of wealth.

AIBU to think that MIL should have done the same as her parents did for her, and given DH and BIL a leg up, just like she had?

Has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
Lauraanddogs · 25/04/2026 19:29

Hallamule · 19/04/2026 09:16

I would think knowing you were going to be financially secure in your old age would be quite nice but when she does pass your dh can pass the money straight down to your kids rather than "hoarding" it. And you never know your luck, she may drop dead tomorrow, then think how happy you'll be. Or she could leave it all to the local cat shelter , of course, so probably best to keep your feelings well hidden.

Hahaha

SetTheWorldOnFire84 · 25/04/2026 18:33

Absolutely nothing to do with you. If your brother in law has a problem it's his to sort out. End of

Stuckoncrossroads · 25/04/2026 18:30

YABU
Let it go. Not your £ , none of your business how others spend THEIR money or live their life . Stop being so bitter, envious, judgemental and entitled. Stop holding your breathe with anticipation,wishing someone to die sooner rather than later, so you can benefit and grab their £.
Do yourself a favour, that’s so unhealthy and just awful attitude. You are very lucky that one day (whenever that will be),all of you in the queue and/or your children stand to enjoy and benefit hugely from her wealth. It sounds as if that’s all you see in the human being that’s your MIL. Not nice.

Oxycarpus · 25/04/2026 18:06

Obviously, anyone can spend the money they possess as they wish but it doesn't mean their actions won't indicate what complete selfish cunts they are.

Letskeepcalm · 23/04/2026 16:57

Okitsnotokboomer · 22/04/2026 23:32

This is where boomers get their bad reputation. Their parents hoped for better for them. They don't feel the same for their children. Something went wrong with this generation

Not all of them, some yes, but im a boomer and I'd help my kids if able

turquoiseshell · 23/04/2026 11:14

EvieBB · 23/04/2026 10:38

By looking after them as juveniles and help them get on the property ladder (as my parents did for all 4 of us) you inadvertently help them in middle age.

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This is the definition of "juvenile" from the online Cambridge dictionary: " a person who is not old enough to be considered an adult"

EvieBB · 23/04/2026 10:42

PestilenceIsIn · 22/04/2026 22:56

And that's fine, that's you. I would help my kids too IF I was in a position to. But it doesn't mean you have right to someone else's money or to tell them what to do with it.

I'm flabbergasted you can't see or understand that and I could not disagree with you more.

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I agree all the points you made in your last post....my main point is that personally I could not watch my children struggle if I had an overabundance

EvieBB · 23/04/2026 10:38

turquoiseshell · 23/04/2026 00:54

Isn't it a mother's job and instinct to protect her juvenile offspring, not her middle-aged offspring?

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By looking after them as juveniles and help them get on the property ladder (as my parents did for all 4 of us) you inadvertently help them in middle age.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/04/2026 09:23

ParkingNightmares · 23/04/2026 09:03

She will, but her estate will attract Inheritance Tax... by gifting assets now she can mitigate some of that and help her children. Up to her but not how I would treat my family if I was that well off.

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I’m sure she’s intelligent enough to understand but she’s decided not to do that.

She may or may not leave the balance to her sons. She would be short sighted to do so imo as she may need it for care costs.

For all we know, she doesn’t approve of her sons’ choices in life. Or she might be horrible. But nobody knows.

ParkingNightmares · 23/04/2026 09:03

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/04/2026 08:52

She is going to be long gone by the time the tax is payable. Maybe she sees it as ‘giving back’?

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She will, but her estate will attract Inheritance Tax... by gifting assets now she can mitigate some of that and help her children. Up to her but not how I would treat my family if I was that well off.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/04/2026 08:52

ParkingNightmares · 23/04/2026 08:19

From a tax planning POV she would be better gifting someone money now and hope she survives 7 years, otherwise the Gov will be taking a hefty share of inheritance tax...but up to her really.
A shroud has no pockets.

She is going to be long gone by the time the tax is payable. Maybe she sees it as ‘giving back’?

ParkingNightmares · 23/04/2026 08:19

From a tax planning POV she would be better gifting someone money now and hope she survives 7 years, otherwise the Gov will be taking a hefty share of inheritance tax...but up to her really.
A shroud has no pockets.

Steeleydan · 23/04/2026 08:16

hoardingwealth · 21/04/2026 16:56

There's no way she would give POA. Far too independent. I lost one of my parents a few years ago, and they did all the financial stuff, Other parent totally clueless. It was difficult making sense of their affairs, but it was doable as they didn't have lots of investments and there were good notes left in a filing box.

I relayed to MIL that it had been hard piecing it together (in the hope that she would explain to DH and BIL what is what with her own affairs), but that's never happened. So, there are multiple investments, pensions and properties and when she dies BIL and DH will have no clue what is what. I guess we have to just hope that she is keeping good notes! But we won't even know where to look for any notes! It's just so fucking stupid,

I hope for your husband and his brothers' sake she hasn't left it all to her boyfriend

turquoiseshell · 23/04/2026 00:54

EvieBB · 22/04/2026 22:22

I could never watch my children suffer.....it's a good mothers job and instinct to protect her children....I'm flabbergasted you would judge op....I really am. I could not disagree with you more

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Isn't it a mother's job and instinct to protect her juvenile offspring, not her middle-aged offspring?

Okitsnotokboomer · 22/04/2026 23:32

This is where boomers get their bad reputation. Their parents hoped for better for them. They don't feel the same for their children. Something went wrong with this generation

PestilenceIsIn · 22/04/2026 22:56

EvieBB · 22/04/2026 22:22

I could never watch my children suffer.....it's a good mothers job and instinct to protect her children....I'm flabbergasted you would judge op....I really am. I could not disagree with you more

Show quote history

And that's fine, that's you. I would help my kids too IF I was in a position to. But it doesn't mean you have right to someone else's money or to tell them what to do with it.

I'm flabbergasted you can't see or understand that and I could not disagree with you more.

EvieBB · 22/04/2026 22:22

PestilenceIsIn · 21/04/2026 03:40

This kind of feels like something you should just think in your head but never put out into the universe a complaint like this.
As I'm sure you've been told, it's her money she can do with it as she pleases. Just because you'd dish it out to the kids doesn't mean she has to do exactly the same as you would.

This seems to be a very snotty, stompy gripe. You don't get a say here. I'm stunned you put this out for judgement. If I was her and saw this I'd start sharing out out skipping over the entitled DIL and family completely.
Fancy feeling so entitled to someone else's money that you post this.

I could never watch my children suffer.....it's a good mothers job and instinct to protect her children....I'm flabbergasted you would judge op....I really am. I could not disagree with you more

Letskeepcalm · 22/04/2026 09:29

MagpiePi · 19/04/2026 09:07

She can do what she wants with her own money.

She can indeed.
Bit mean spirited of her though

EmeraldShamrock000 · 22/04/2026 09:28

I would not be able to leave my adult children struggling financially if I was well off. Adding up when she’ll most likely pop her clogs is equally disgusting.

aodirjjd · 22/04/2026 09:21

EggshellSprinkle · 21/04/2026 22:44

MIL may already gift to several charities that you are unaware of

Or even the brother and he’s just not told anyone .

EggshellSprinkle · 21/04/2026 22:44

MIL may already gift to several charities that you are unaware of

Doubledenim305 · 21/04/2026 22:40

hoardingwealth · 21/04/2026 16:56

There's no way she would give POA. Far too independent. I lost one of my parents a few years ago, and they did all the financial stuff, Other parent totally clueless. It was difficult making sense of their affairs, but it was doable as they didn't have lots of investments and there were good notes left in a filing box.

I relayed to MIL that it had been hard piecing it together (in the hope that she would explain to DH and BIL what is what with her own affairs), but that's never happened. So, there are multiple investments, pensions and properties and when she dies BIL and DH will have no clue what is what. I guess we have to just hope that she is keeping good notes! But we won't even know where to look for any notes! It's just so fucking stupid,

She won't want to face her own mortality. She's keeping herself occupied by spending her money and fun fun fun so she doesn't have to come to terms with the inevitable. Telling someone what to do once they are gone is a place some people find too scary maybe?

Leavesandthings · 21/04/2026 17:48

hoardingwealth · 21/04/2026 17:28

Good point, assuming she has one, and has left a note of who that is.

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Yes.
I might have missed it, but does she in general have a good relationship with her sons? Is it a warm relationship, are you aware of any family dramas? Does she love the grandchildren/have an interest in them?

It's hard to imagine the dynamic going on. Of course she might just be an odd woman.

nomas · 21/04/2026 17:30

hoardingwealth · 21/04/2026 16:56

There's no way she would give POA. Far too independent. I lost one of my parents a few years ago, and they did all the financial stuff, Other parent totally clueless. It was difficult making sense of their affairs, but it was doable as they didn't have lots of investments and there were good notes left in a filing box.

I relayed to MIL that it had been hard piecing it together (in the hope that she would explain to DH and BIL what is what with her own affairs), but that's never happened. So, there are multiple investments, pensions and properties and when she dies BIL and DH will have no clue what is what. I guess we have to just hope that she is keeping good notes! But we won't even know where to look for any notes! It's just so fucking stupid,

But we won't even know where to look for any notes! It's just so fucking stupid,

She may not even leave her sons the money.

Original poster
hoardingwealth · 21/04/2026 17:28

Leavesandthings · 21/04/2026 17:14

Her financial advisor should have an overview off all her assets and investments to aid the executor when the time comes

Good point, assuming she has one, and has left a note of who that is.

OP posts: