Wealthy MIL hoarding money

So we’ll be hearing no more about how ‘boomers’ hoard wealth and large properties and how selfish they are because they had it so good and the younger generations are not benefitting. Well that’s good to hear at least.

Clearly it’s her own money, blah blah blah. But I do find this mindset bizarre! I have a savings account which I consider to be money for when the kids want to go to university/learn to drive/go on some ridiculously expensive but very important school trip, etc. You get what I mean. It’s not lots! But it’s a little something.
And I’ll keep adding to that once they are adults in the hope that I’ll have a little bit to help them out with. I don’t have to do that, but it feels really important that I do and I think that’s normal. My grandparents who were on minimum wage their whole lives gave me a few hundred pounds when I was first pregnant. I think that want to help is normal.
It would feel so wrong to have had that help from above me and not pass it forward.

I wonder if this is down to a combination of growing up poor and now having a boyfriend who likes to spend.

I grew up (and remained) very very poor. It makes you more likely to hoard money because you just can't get your head around having enough to give money away - your brain is always saying 'yes, but what if it happens again?' So you hoard by nature. But having a boyfriend who presumably knows she is very wealthy, he will likely be persuading her to spend out on stuff. Maybe someone could ask HIM to persuade MIL to give some money to her family (if he phrased it as avoiding IT she's more likely to go for it).

So I think it's a mix of the feeling she 'has' to hoard the money because of her past, and a desire to impress and keep a man who does nothing to discourage that.

I would love nothing more than to be wealthy enough to help out my DC & DGC. It would bring me so much happiness to win the lottery & share the money with my family. My parents & siblings would get some too.
I just don’t understand the mindset of not helping your own DC have a comfortable life. Unless there’s a huge backstory of gambling, debt, drug abuse, crime etc then why would you sit back & watch them struggle? Maybe not buying them houses if you think they are lazy & entitled and not trying to work hard but helping out with GDC costs ( clothes , activities) at the very least . What’s it all for if you just sit looking at your growing bank balance knowing your skint DC resent you?

Just as elderly parents should be as well, and never get any kind of help from their adult kids, whether it’s money or care. That way all generations know where they stand and can detach without emotion.

My dad and his wife have done the same. Not as rich as your mother in law (they have about two million) but we never see a penny of it. They wouldn’t so much as buy you a coffee.

It’s annoying as it’s all inherited wealth but it’s their decision. I’m okay financially but a couple of siblings have had periods where they were out of work unexpectedly and a bailout would’ve been appreciated.

I think they just don’t realise how easy they’ve had it which is the thing that does annoy me. They are the type that roll their eyes if I buy a coffee because there’s instant Lidl granules at their house I could have instead.

Well I cringe at your posts. Banging on about people being money grabbing and just after money and lecturing everyone.

I’ve got no skin in the game and nothing to gain by the OP’s MIL parting with a bit of her good fortune but I can see that a generous nature is infinitely better than a tightfisted, self centred one.

Even more so given that the MIL benefitted so much from other people’s hard work herself.

I did the opposite to this. I used a huge amount of my earnings to care for my parents. My siblings did nothing. I had to give up work. It cost me hundreds of thousands.
We were left with very little when they both passed. Two of my siblings had paid off their mortgages and still expected an inheritance from my parents. They were unlucky.

It’s interesting because many times women and girls are admonished to ‘be kind’.
And we teach kids that ‘sharing is caring’.

But when proper wealth is involved it changes to ‘it’s their money’. The power dynamic changes.

OP your MIL is a common trope, there’s one in the new Magic Faraway Tree film.

Does she give other things instead? Is she thoughtful and helpful and a joy to be with? Does she do charity work or volunteer? Is she essentially a good person but just doesn’t see the point of spending money on her children?

Honestly, if you want money go and make your own, it's their choice what they do with their money.

I agree.

It is, of course Mil's money to do as she likes with, but the truth is DH and I only really enjoy money (apart from the occasional treat just for us here and there) as a means to provide nicely for our dc.

Ours admittedly are still young, but I don't envisage not still wanting to help them as adults.

I mean it’s not hoarding if it’s her money…. I’m not hoarding clothes because I own the clothes in my wardrobe and won’t give them to others.

Yes it would be nice if she helped her children. But it’s still her money and they will inherit when she pops her clogs. I wouldn’t do adms she has and would rather move them into my big house for company - but she’s within her rights not to. Have you suggested it to her?

So I’m assuming that all those who don’t think she should help (though she has the means) also agree that adult kids who are considerably better off than their parents shouldn’t help those parents, even if they are sitting in a cold council flat and can’t afford to eat and heat.

Could someone explain why it is good and admirable for an adult child to help their adult parents but it’s not alright for an adult parent to help their adult child?

And maybe MIL loves her family but expects them to be responsible for their own life choices

So assuming the OP and their family inherited, they would not be able to spend their money how they like as they would owe it to the next generation. How does that help BIL and SIL? And how much of that if going to be left for their children as it sounds like they will continue to struggle?

It is okay to use the money if you don’t have children? Or should you leave it to some random second cousin 15 times removed?

Just wondering…

I agree. Meanness and selfishness is such an unattractive quality.

And I’m an old person before someone accuses me of being - god forbid - an entitled young person.

You weren't buying food just for the kids though were you? I'm not saying that you shouldn't eat - but there's a bit of emotional manipulation going in here - and that would annoy me.

Me and dh could get away with the absolute minimum. Children and 6 and 9 need a bit more sustenance. I was being fed at work, so I would have either breakfast or lunch or lunch and dinner depending on shift 5 days a week.
There was no free breakfast clubs back then and it wasn't only about food.
Also we wasn't asking gor free hand outs, we made it clear we would pay back.

Some people are just selfish.
My bff has a millionaire mother yet she refuses to let my friend claim carers allowance. She cares for her daily and sleeps over most of the week.
When my friend's children were small she refused to help her as a single parent. Her partner had left her destitute and homeless. He tried to kill her. No maintenance was ever paid. They lived on pasta.

The millionaire mother needs a new boiler but won't pay for it. She turns an electric fire on. 87 and still hoarding money. My friend is pension age next year herself. She's the only child left.

I don't know how you solve this OP. I'd give my children everything I have and have done!

Does it not occur to you that the reason they aren’t helping you is that they perceive you as just after their money?

I was brought up to believe that it was rude to ask for or expect things and that if someone offered then it was fine. By Boomers actually.

I cringe seeing some of these posts.

There is a huge difference between ‘your own money’ and inherited family wealth while it is in one person’s hands.

While I believe that a person can do exactly what they like with their own day to day money, I also believe that the holder of inherited family wealth has a duty to use that wealth to the benefit of the whole family, and especially the education and financial grounding of other family members. And they, in turn, should do so for the next generation. This can be done efficiently and tax efficient structures that benefit everyone.

This has clearly broken down in your family, and it’s very sad for the younger generation.

I agree with you, but there's not much you can do about it if that's the way she is.

But it’s only an issue apparently to the younger generations who expect money, childcare, etc and if they don’t get it, withdraw completely

This is not really about the OP s post.
Yes, I turned the heating off a month ago. We have an electric shower!
Yes I am continuing my kids hobbies. It's important for them to continue them.
The post of the OP is about her MIL not helping her BIL while having a lot of money.
I simply stated I could understand her being puzzled as I am in a similar situation with my mother. And tried to state why.

You have told me all I need to know. MIL and her boyfriend. Therein, I suspect lies your problem. Also, if she was skint as a young woman, she is not used to managing intergenerational wealth.