Wealthy MIL hoarding money

I suspect your MIL's parents, out of love, told her that they were giving her all that money because she deserved it, is so hard-working, so smart, etc etc. (And, to be fair, if she was given a small business and ran it successfully, that does take hard work and business smarts, albeit you don't know if she would have been able to do it if she had NOT been given the established business or the capital.) But what I am saying is that they may not ever have given her the mental tools to be psychologically aware or humble about how she became so wealthy. Maybe they "bigged" her up so much that she just really does think she's better than her children, and that she did it all herself. Maybe she minimizes how helpful it was to be given a great financial starter fund.

I think that part of being raised to be very self-interested, is that some people are literally unable to see beyond their own interests. They just don't have the mental tools to see themselves as being similar in category to other people. Their entire moral framework is built on the idea that they should be the recipients of the good things of the world. They don't ever really make the connection: "as my parents gave to me, I should give to my own children." To draw a parallel between "me" and "my children" she would have to see herself as something other than the entirely special and unique being that she is. Do you see what I mean?

Obviously this is all speculation but it's the kindest mental framework I can come up with. The other alternative is that she's possibly a narcissist or something similar?

The OP isn't being 'grabby' by wanting to look out for her brother-in-law.

Maybe it feels a bit close to the bone?

YANBU - My view is if someone earned/ made the money it would be nice if they shared with their descendants but they have no obligation to do so (beyond giving their children a decent childhood) and they are morally free to spend it all on fast living, the cats’ home or anything else they wish. However if someone inherited the money it’s generational wealth and they’re just looking after it for the next generation so they need to spend responsibly and pass on what they can to any children/ grandchildren. In this case it sounds like the latter so I feel morally OP’s mother-in-law should share with her sons even though practically/ legally she’s not obliged to.

Sorry to hear this OP, my in laws are like this; pretty much everything they have is inherited wealth from late FIL’s family but MIL has told DH she’s leaving it only to her favourite children, so nothing for my DH or their grandchildren (or another of DH’s siblings). She now uses the dangling carrot of the future inheritance to control her favourite children so they don’t get disinherited too (DH chose not to play her silly games which is one of the reasons he’s not a favourite). Obviously we’ve always expected to provide for ourselves and our children so it doesn’t affect us but I can’t help thinking that it’s a shame and that FIL’s relatives (who were the ones who actually worked hard for the money) wouldn’t have wanted this to be the outcome of their legacies.

Hi, OP -

I have mixed feelings about your post.

To be clear, your MIL does not sound like a very nice woman. I think she could be gifting her DC money now. This will not address DBIL’s housing needs but his family could have a much needed holiday as well as other help year on year.

I am between you and your MIL in age, my parents are in an expensive self funded retirement home - probably escalating to the even more expensive residential care wing - and what you have described seems to me to leave your MIL on only middling ground if she is planning for the possibility of long term care. Costs are rising fast, and anything nice will cost her over £100,000 pa. It is prudent for her to budget a minimum of £1.5-2M for that. Probably more. No, council funded care is absolutely not the same. At least not here, and we are a ‘good’ area.

You haven’t made it clear what MIL owns outright, how profitable her business is, what her annual income is, etc. It could be quite a complex situation. She sounds rather disengaged; does she understand the full picture? The fear of running out of money can run deep and often stems from ignorance.

Do you know for a fact that MIL has other significant cash holdings or realisable investments? Do you have any idea what she will realise when she sells her house, business and, as necessary, investments?

I can imagine that MIL could be in a situation where she doesn’t see a good way to help with BIL’s housing costs. Buying him a family home outright from the £500K would severely cut into the income it generates. A down payment on a nice home is of little use if DBIL and his wife cannot qualify for a mortgage. Helping him rent someplace nicer might be a generous move but would he see it that way? How much would he and his wife be able to contribute?

MIL might need to be a guarantor. Is DBIL’s family a good bet for that?

No one in my generation received significant help from my parents (although we were all gifted cars and uni fees). There were times I would have appreciated feeling I could turn to them, but doing so was out of the question. And we never struggled like your BIL. So I do sympathise with him. But I am extremely glad that my parents are finishing out their lives in congenial surroundings, spending down my inheritance with every whopping monthly bill.

I don’t think your MIL should compromise her future for her DC’s present, unless there are special circs you haven’t mentioned. Whether this is a true representation of the situation cannot be determined from the information you have posted.

Oh please.

I would expect to be judged and given a wide bearth by family members for having a great deal of wealth whilst my parents (who I had a good relationship with) used food banks and couldn’t afford to heat their home in the winter.

What planet are you living on where people are immune from this kind of cause and effect?

Exactly this, my friend was appalled once when my DH made a dark humoured joke about going somewhere tropical when his Dad died (I know, not funny - but really was a joke) we’ve never received a penny from any of our parents, but the “appalled” friend had: all driving lessons, a car, university (plus living expenses) a wedding & a house deposit paid for by her father, it’s easy to make comments about being “grabby” when you’ve been handed everything on a plate.

Charles Dickens wrote a famous novel based on that exact principle.

Of course scrooge like behaviour will influence the relationships people have with each other, it is human nature. Generous people receive generosity back in other forms.

I'm sure her son working pay check to pay check scrapping a living on a minimum wage job, and juggling childcare on statutory annual leave will struggle to find much time to support his mother when she becomes elderly and infirm, and that won't be a negative reflection on him, just his priorities.

ODFOD. It’s not your money and if I had an inkling a partner of my child had such views I would be making provision for my money to go straight to grandkids and pass you by.

And before you say I don’t understand the dynamic you find yourself in my parents have an estate worth many millions along with as much in cash so I understand completely. So if I heard my DH say one word like that he would be ripped a new one by me even before my parents knew.

Where am I making things up? No the OP ‘s post was what makes them grabby,

Think what you like about me, hun 🤣

This 100pc
However, it's near impossible to get people to change their mindset re money.

If someone is going to judge a family member and ‘adjust’ their relationship with them because they don’t give them handouts then that person would be an entitled CF and doesn’t deserve anything!

Exactly!

I can’t imagine letting your children and grandchildren live on the poverty line while you are loaded, and doing nothing about it.

Or maybe he has never worked and spends his days procreating and smoking weed and his mum is really annoyed with him for that.

The OP literally says he lives pay check to pay check, so what is the actual point in this sentence?

Just because you would be comfortable flying around the world first class, and having a few million in the bank, whilst your grandchildren have never been on holiday and are dressed in second hand clothes, doesn’t mean everyone else would be.

All we know is what the OP has shared: she begrudges her MILs money, thinks she should share it and (horrors) she didn't even work for the money herself which seems to annoy the OP most of all. That and the fact her MIL has money which she keeps to herself because she can, because it's her money.

The OP’s MIL is entitled to spend her own money as she sees fit, and the OP and the rest of the MIL’s family are as entitled to judge her for it as they see fit.

MIL is very much deserving of the legacy and memory she will leave behind.

It is certainly not how I wish to be remembered by my children, and their children.

I am very content with my little lot, happy to budget and save for purchases etc. In fact I've realised the only times I wish for more lolly is to be able to help my family. I do hope things improve for you BIL & his family and that your MIL discovers the joys of kindness.

But surely part of enjoying money is being able to help out those you love, especially your children and especially when one of them in particular is really struggling and has her grandchildren?

I said the parenting is over unless they ask for advice etc. That etc covering financial assistance.

For all we know the OPs bil won't ask for help because hes too proud. Or maybe he has never worked and spends his days procreating and smoking weed and his mum is really annoyed with him for that.

Maybe the OPs mil finds her family really wasteful and wishes they'd made better life choices and that's why she doesn't give them money. We only have 1 side of the story.

All we know is what the OP has shared: she begrudges her MILs money, thinks she should share it and (horrors) she didn't even work for the money herself which seems to annoy the OP most of all. That and the fact her MIL has money which she keeps to herself because she can, because it's her money.

People don't realise that sometimes decisions to give adult DCs money or not depend on their partners.

If you have awful grabby DIL or SIL it's very understandable when you don't want to give away money which they will benefit from. Especially when you know you can't rely on them in your hour of need. It might be better in this case to give directly to grandkids.

Ah yes, family should just stay detached from each other. Once you hit 18 all kids and all parents just say their goodbyes and never the twain shall meet. Easier all round to not be connected to anyone. Spouses must also never let a thought about extended family cross their minds. Everyone is their own isolated island.

I agree. It’s appalling and really depressing. Everyone I know treats their children and grandchildren and helps them out where they can. I don’t know anyone like this IRL. Except maybe my parents were a bit like that… maybe that’s why I feel completely the opposite.

I agree. It’s appalling and really depressing. Everyone I know treats their children and grandchildren and helps them out where they can. I don’t know anyone like this IRL. Except maybe my parents were a bit like that… maybe that’s why I feel completely the opposite.

Well it sounds like dbil should have been given some help, who watches their grandchildren go without holidays ect when they are sitting on a fortune. It sounds like you are in a different situation if you have been able to help your adult children. I don’t think giving to children should be dependent on the care you may receive in the future. Quite frankly if I had that sort of money I would want to be in one of those very posh care homes with a decent chef and a bar, not relying on my children so I don’t think that is a good reason for not helping.

I think sadly when some people have money they really worry about losing it and lose perspective. Inheriting when you are in your 70s and possibly in too poor health to enjoy it is a bummer!

But the OP’s BIL is standing on his own two feet.

He’s never asked his mother for anything.

He certainly isn’t needing “parenting”.

That isn't turning your back on your children, it's seeing them as the adults they've become while getting on with your own life.

Look, just because you would be comfortable flying around the world first class, and having a few million in the bank, whilst your grandchildren have never been on holiday and are dressed in second hand clothes, doesn’t mean everyone would be.

I would imagine most people would not turn their back on their child and grandchildren in such a situation.

Just like most people wouldn’t turn their back on a parent who lived in poverty and struggled to heat their home in the winter.

Someone who married wealthy men twice, and bought a load of property in London before prices went crazy. She never went to Mexico as far as I know. Was fond of a golf holiday though!

Their is nothing wrong with saving for your childrens future but once your children become adults you expect them to be able to stand on their own 2 feet.

You will always be their parent, but imo the 'parenting' bit is over unless they actually ask for advice etc.

That isn't turning your back on your children, it's seeing them as the adults they've become while getting on with your own life.

Edited because I can't spell

Complete this sentence....'And this is your business because....'