Wealthy MIL hoarding money

@hoardingwealth oh and half a million is nothing in old age. I have more than double that in 1 ISA which is money that counts specifically to our retirement.

@DimeADozen the thing is it’s their choice. My DP’s are handing stuff down now to me so it escapes Reeves’s clutches but that is their choice because they know that myself and DSiblings are not grabby arseholes. It’s about attitude. Maybe get they think you don’t get yourselves out of the minimum wage jobs because you are relying on their hand outs. Not fair maybe but if they built themselves up and gave your DH help in other ways understandable. I run a business that’s moderately successful and one of my siblings is so successful it’s outing if I even indicated in what … but it’s private sector and down to his work ethic. My DPs therefore know that whilst what they do is nice, it’s not our mentality.

All the folk saying it’s her money. You will all happily watch your children struggle, or even if they’re not struggling, you’ll not gift them anything?

Because by saying it’s her money to do with as she will, you’re saying you agree with MIL?

OP it’s weird and tight and she’s clearly not very close to her sons.

And yet OP says MIL and BIL have a nice relationship, no fallings out or anything weird. So if he is happy why is it a problem for OP? It’s non of her business

Leap of a thousand miles there.

When you raise your children, do you see them go without (obviously within the bounds of your own finances?) Of course we expect adults to be able to help themselves more but what harm is helping out going to cause?

Spending money can be the natural exercise of love. I buy my niece presents, which demonstrates that I care. I spent money. That help that gift, in turn sponsors affection. It's the transfer of energy.

Society is based on capitalism, you need money to help.

I love how it's 'omg, expecting financial help is grabby and selfish', in a hyper capitalist society where something like 4% own and yes, hoard, the majority of wealth. But people complain about the former inequality, whilst several rungs down, declare it is good to keep all your money to yourself, whilst watching your OWN family suffer.

But on the flip if my parents have lots of money I wouldn’t think any less of them for not giving me handouts

I’m going to get shot for this one, but half a million in cash is not that much when you get older. Fear is usually what makes people keep it. All the houses are trapped by tax (CGT and IHT if you die). I suspect her idea of wealth and yours are misaligned.

That said, I’d also help my kids unless there is a back story.

Could you post a link to a thread where anyone has ever said that grandparents should “give all their money to their kids” and/or look “after their grandkids full time”.

You remind me of the father of a pp who mentioned that he often goes on rants about adult children who expect handouts or free childcare. He doesn’t even have grandchildren. The pp asked him who on earth he was talking about and he had no answer.

So, to echo that pp. Who are you even talking about?

A link to one thread, please.

You would rather leave it to a dog shelter than your own children who you see live in poverty? Well shame on you is all I can say.

Your DH had the same education and the same upbringing and is sufficiently well-off to give financial assistance to his own children. So it is possible that your MIL has rather harshly concluded that your BIL's current financial situation is a result of his own accumulated life choices, and that giving him a bail-out might help short term but actually be quite unhelpful long-term? e.g. if she gives him some cash now and he moves to a bigger property - he might not be able to afford the higher council tax, bills and maintenance costs of a larger property and get into debt trying to keep it all going. Or she might be worried that he'd waste it, or invest it unwisely.

Yes I think that was what I mentioned by balance. I have no issue with funding qualifications or supporting DC or DGC with a housing deposit, but I am much more reluctant to fund day to day spending, holidays etc.

TBF in my area there is a big difference between the quality of council funded care and the quality of what an ample residential care budget will get you. I don’t see why MIL should have to open herself to the possibility of finishing out her life in - at best - very dreary circs to help her DC now.

We don’t have the information to determine whether it would come to that. OP hasn’t actually provided a lot of detail on MIL’s likely complex finances.

One possibility is, if some of the properties she rents out are residential and owned free and clear - those are two big unknowns - then as @Ponoka7 and possibly others mentioned, MIL might consider letting her struggling DS have one at an affordable rent. Again, we don’t know.

If you were unfortunate enough to have a family that was waiting for you to die so they could have your money, do you really mean you would happily give it to them?

Agree! According to the grabby posters on MN they should live frugally and give all their money to their kids while looking after their grandkids full time!!😂 And if they don't do BOTH these things they will never get visits!

She doesn’t have to. It sounds like her sons and their families are just waiting for her to die.

But the mil benefitted from generational wealth and now isn't passing on like her own parents did to her before they died. The mil is effectively spending and hoarding the money earned by her parents / grandparents and by not passing on now will lose a massive chunk of the money generated by others on inheritance tax. I agree this is unbelievably selfish and short-sighted (unless some massive backstory where both brothers financially irresponsible)

So in other words buy their love? Nice.

I agree with you OP. I’d find it hard to see my children and grand children go without.

The speculation by op on how long her MIL is likely to live (and thus how long they’ll have to wait to inherit) is awful, and I suspect the main reason other posters are calling her grabby.

The state would have stepped in….

Many older people hang on to their own money because they don’t want the state stepping in. They know they will need money in later life and they think that they should pay for it themselves.

You cannot take it with you when you die. You can use it to bring some ease and happiness to relatives whilst alive. Helping your family, building (hopefully if reciprocated) stronger family bonds. Getting the satisfaction of seeing them benefit whilst you can.

I know people like this though. Some from my own family. They are all of a certain generation, bar one (who is morally defunct on another level, you could be ragged and barefoot in the snow and he shoo you along and wouldn't let you in to dry inside his mansion) I think it's impossible for most of us to understand it because we weren't raised in the same era.

It's a sort of empathy deficit in my opinion by a sort of there is no society, shut up and don't complain or explain and expecting help is shameful generation.

There's something very wrong with a grandparent who would see their grandchildren having no holidays, second hand clothes, while being a millionaire and spending inheritance from your PIL on your boyfriend. As said, money will go on inheritance tax, while she could house them at and peppercorn rent and Birthdays/Christmas could be clothing vouchers to see them over the year. A £50 a week shop of extras would make such a difference. If she is judging minimum wage jobs, then she needs to boycott any hospital, care home and hospitality venue that pays minimum wage.

So she spent nothing till her husband died and now this new partner has her treating them both and spending a lot. You have a much bigger issue, she may remarry and then you can possibly say goodbye to everything.

Heaven forbid a parent helps a child buy a car! What next, an MOT, or a repair? The horror.

But seriously, many posters seem hot on this idea of blaming “the wives” (why is that?) but perhaps OP can weigh in on what her husband’s childhood was like, since we already know about the local comp and paying for their own driving lessons (and we have to assume, their own cars and insurance afterwards).

Were there holidays, extra curricular activities, buying the boys things for their hobbies, paying for tutors? Did she take them to football every Saturday and bake for the school sale?

Something similar, my abusive mother in another country, obviously not THIS wealthy.
I don't need her money anyway, but FGS, how do these people manage to live for so long?
(She's 83, living in a massive family apartment, given to her for nothing by former Communist Government).
Just yuck.