AIBU to wonder if children should ever feel afraid of parents?

I think it depends what exactly they’re fearing, and what it relates to. Eg if they have a constant fear of a parent’s violent temper then obviously that’s awful.
But i have to admit using fear on one occasion. My young DD kept undoing her carseat harness while I was driving. Once she did it on a smart motorway (no hard shoulder to pull over onto), miles from a junction or services. I lost my shit and she never did it again. Adults wear seatbelts because they are aware of the potential consequences (injury/death) of not doing so, and they fear those consequences. My three year old couldn’t fear her potential death from getting out of her seat on the motorway, but she could fear my reaction to it.
It’s not my proudest parenting moment, but equally I don’t feel particularly bad about it, and she’s a perfectly happy 6 yr old now, with absolutely no signs of being remotely scared of me. Maybe worried about getting in trouble sometimes, but not fearful of me.

Yeah I’m completely the same and even as an adult, have nightmares about it. Sorry you went through that too.

I was scared of my parents to a degree, but never that they would really harm me or abandon me etc. I always knew they loved me. I was smacked as a small child which I think was pretty typical at the time but never as we got older. I remember moments of being afraid of my dad when he was angry but that was largely because he very rarely got angry. So I don’t think it was damaging.
Edited to say I do think the smacking was harmful but I don’t think the fear was, I don’t remember being afraid of them when we were little and would get smacked, just afraid of getting smacked.

I would want my children to care about the consequences and care about what I think of them, what they think of themselves and what our reaction might be, be concerned or worried, but not afraid most of the time.

I think fear is a healthy reaction to certain circumstances and think it would be fine to be afraid of the consequences of doing something really bad as that is a reason people don’t do bad things…though I would hope that went alongside other reasons like empathy and valuing themselves.

I feared both. I would hope my DC doesn’t feel anything like what I used to feel as a kid, the crushing weight of expectation, the hammering heart when you heard their foot on the stairs.

Never. I was terrified of my dad and it’s left me with a life long anxiety disorder.

We don't hit so there isn't a fear of violence, but I probably do scare my kids sometimes when I shout. It's not how I'd like to parent but lots of parenting is less than ideal.

I was definitely afraid of my Dad when he shouted, but we were smacked as kids, so there was always that threat there with him.

Ideally kids shouldn't feel afraid of their parents but they do need to fear consequences. I shouted a lot and made my 9 year old cry when he stole £20 out of his Dad's wallet and hid it, and I felt bad yes, but he hasn't done it since.

I think its really important for everyone that we come together for a calm talk and a cuddle after any time we have butted heads, and apologies of course. I always wished I'd had that reflection from my parents but they would have never admitted they'd handled something badly.

I think there’s a better word to use , a better emotion to have. than fearful for disappointing your parents to make it healthy. Fear is pretty much a negative emotion.

I was very afraid of my father as he was a terrible father who only communicated with me and my siblings to shout or be violent. I never did anything wrong as I feared him so much, but if he was in a mood he’d find something to pick on. My parents thought they were good parents because we ‘behaved well’. They didn’t see, or see it as an issue, that it was because we were frightened and anxious.

We would never have brought our children up like that. Our children respect us because we are always reasonable and they know we always have their best interests at heart. I would feel like a complete failure if our children were scared of us.

I feared repercussions of poor behaviour, but I was never afraid of harm.

They should respect their parents, be worried about consequences, but not fear them.

it depends what you mean by fear. Fear of being hurt or ridiculed, absolutely not. But there is nothing wrong with fear of consequences for poor behaviour.
I teach and last week a child hurt another child, they were scared when I said that I would be informing their parents, and when I asked why it was because they would lose their weekend screen time. I see nothing wrong with that.
I have other families where I see the parents fearing the children, and minimising everything, that is not healthy and leads to children who have no boundaries.

Children should be fearful of their parents disappointment should they misbehave and get into trouble.

I definitely didn't fear harm or repercussions, but I definitely had a level of worry of what they might say or how disappointed or upset they might be at various stages of my life (e.g. when I was stupidly underage drinking in fields at 15/16, when I flipped off my elderly next door neighbour for not giving me my ball back etc).

That level of worry definitely kept me from doing stupid things to excess.

Yes I feared them, but I didnt respect them. Looking back ad an adult things were so unhealthy. The way my sister was prioritised, the way we were spoken to, the constant drama and fighting. Im raising my children very differently.

I was scared of getting whacked across the legs or head or being shouted at. It just meant I never confessed to anything and would lie to get out of things.
I wouldn’t want my children to fear me but I recognise that for high spirited children it can be difficult to keep control as the parent.

Agree

I was afraid of my parents. I wouldn’t ever want my children to be afraid of me.

They shouldn’t be scared of harm but I think they should know parents have the authority to give consequences and will be angry when a boundary is crossed.

I wasn't fearful of my parents. I never wanted to upset my mum though as she was sensitive. My step dad was scary with the boys sometimes but not with me.

I do worry about my kids being fearful of their dad sometimes. He sometimes shouts very loud and I once caught him pulling out DS by the ear!

Same here. I was genuinely fearful of my f who was a violent and thoroughly nasty man. Childhood was not fun.

As a result I could never marry, never tie myself legally to a man. It's just not worth the risk.

The worst my ds ever fears of me is an ear-bashing over some domestic failing, or if I'm really pissed off with him, a refusal to drive him places so he has to walk or cycle.

We get on well, and understand each other perfectly. 😊

I did feel afraid of my mum and former stepdad growing up, they were both abusive. I would never entrust my children to my mums or her partners care.

I hope my children never feel afraid of me in the way I felt. Do I think I've scared them before if I've lost control by shouting when I've told them off? Yes but do I think they are afraid of me or that I make them feel unsafe? No

I was never in fear that they would physically harm me but fear of their reaction in the things they could take from me/stop me from doing kept me on the straight and narrow as a teen and I am pretty certain that I wouldn't have made good choices without that respect of their 'authority' as my parent.

I feared my parents at times and I don’t think that is healthy, I definitely didn’t respect my parents when they lost it and were aggressive towards me or used extreme punishments. Of course it’s okay for children to know there are consequences to their behaviour/ actions and to want to avoid those consequences, but they shouldn’t be literally fearful of them.

Fear of disappointment, not of harm.

(Although, even parents disappointment with a child can be weaponised.)

And I think there’s truth in this.

Having worked in schools and witnessed some of the worst behaviour I ever thought possible to see I came to the conclusion that kids aren’t scared enough of consequences to keep them on the straight and narrow! I left education 5 years ago and never looked back. No respect from far too many children.