AIBU to wonder if children should ever feel afraid of parents?

I wouldnt say I feared them but there was clear authority

Completely disagree. Fear has no part in respect.

When I say that healthy fear is called respect, that implies that there is also an unhealthy kind of fear. I’m not saying that living in a state of being intimidated by your parents is a good thing. Clearly not, as shown by the experience of several posters on this thread.

All I know is that for there to be a positive parent-child relationship where parents correct and guide their child, that child has to care, on some level, about what the parent thinks and what the parent will do. Partly it’s about not disappointing your parent, but it isn’t just about that.

Consider the children who don’t care about what their parents or their teachers will say or do about bad behaviour. You could say they have no fear of consequences, including being told off. They have no respect for the position of parent or teacher or school. They are utterly unruly, disrupting their education and that of their peers.

There seem to be a lot of these children in the U.K. today. Much more than in the past. Much more than in many other countries. It seems to me that these children are fearless. Concern (anxiety, I guess) for the consequences of actions seems necessary to keep at least some children from becoming ungovernable.

This thread has made me think about my secondary school education abroad in Africa. What was it that made us behave so much better than British children of today? I thought we could be cheeky to our teachers but it was so low level compared to what seems to be everyday-normal in many British state schools.

Caning was not an option our teachers had, so it wasn’t fear of that. Other than the force of their personalities, they could administer punishments like cleaning or grass cutting (with a machete!). These punishments were inconvenient but not fear-inducing. Being brought to the attention of our school head would be worse. She WAS intimidating. Behaviour miraculously improved when there were rumours she was in the vicinity. People sat up straight. I’m still not quite sure how that woman, a white British woman, in a patriarchal black African society, managed to not only maintain order in a coeducational school but make our school highly respected and desirable. And in our private moments relaxing in our dormitories, I heard fellow students say more than once, ‘If she goes, I go. This school won’t be the same without her.’ We feared her AND respected her.

Even worse than an audience with Miss X would be having your parents called in. That didn’t happen unless the situation was quite serious and would have been a serious personal failing for me who had been warned by my mother not to bring shame on the family. I felt I was representing my family and didn’t want them to be embarrassed by my behaviour at school. I was quick-tempered but managed to squash many urges to react or retaliate due to this.

I was scared of my mother when she lost her temper. I had 6 stitches when she assaulted me, so it wasn't unfounded.

I was scared of my dad growing up, (still am and I’m 47! 😂). I it kept me from doing a lot of things I shouldn’t because I was to scared of the consequences if I was found out. I think a healthy fear of your parents is a good thing.

Was brought up by military patents - pick your own wooden spoon to have your backside tanned with.
Adhd/autism nothing like that existed) while growing up) or dragged up)

We’d regularly go across our father’s legs for showing them up in the 80/90’s. With a wooden spoon touching our bottom. Along with grandparents mentioning receiving the cane.

Absolutely not. You need your children to know they can come to you when something is wrong, not for them to be too scared to tell you. I don’t agree with the posters saying that healthy fear is respect. It’s not.

Absolutely nothing wrong with fear of consequences ie grounded,no pocket money,phone time ,missing play dates etc . It’s how children learn that actions = consequences.

Children should never fear their parents but they should fear consequences for bad behaviour. There is a difference

I wasn't fearful of being hit or abused in anyway.

I knew that if I was home late, say expected at 10.30pm and came in at 11.30pm, there would be consequences: a very stern telling off, grounding for two/three weekends, cancellation of something I wanted. There were boundaries.

Same for our DC.

Completely disagree @QOrion

Fear is an emotion based on anxiety, intimidation, and survival, leading to compliance

True respect is internally motivated and built through trust, admiration, and safety.

I’m still afraid of my Mum now and I’m in my 40s!

She was very shouty and doled out lots of slaps while we were kids and I was so afraid of ever getting in trouble, but I’m mostly afraid of her disapproval these days.

No, it's not.

I think fear or concern about consequences is different from fear of people, eg parents.

I'm absolutely with @Chickenwing2 . My fear of my (long dead) mother is one of the main things that has blighted my several decades of life. So no, never.

I don’t think compliance is necessarily a bad thing, depending on what drives it. I expect my kids to comply with rules at school and to comply with rules at home that make life pleasant for everyone. Part of the problem now is that compliance is seen as a negative, but we can’t all just live as we please and have a functioning society - we do need to sometimes comply with rules we don’t like or agree with.

My kids don’t fear me, but they know I have expectations of them and will impose consequences if they over step.

For example if I found out my daughter was taking an addictive drug I might find it useful to inspire fear of the consequences.

Thats not the same thing though. Fear of drugs is not the same as a fear of a parental figure or a person in your life. I dont have "respect" for heroin for example.

I think there is a difference between short term fear of the consequences of a specific action which breaks a rule or boundary, and living in a climate of underlying fear.

For example if I found out my daughter was taking an addictive drug I might find it useful to inspire fear of the consequences. But creating an environment where fear was the dominant force in our relationship would eventually lead her to lose respect and trust. It’s ultimately counterproductive.

I was only ever slapped a handful of times, only three that I can remember really. I was always scared getting trouble at school and someone telling my mum and dad, but wasn’t scared of gobbing off to my mum and dad myself.

The slaps I got as a kid - I don’t think they traumatised me but I do remember feeling intense hatred for my mum when she did it and I have never, ever slapped my kids.

I think my kids are good, we have disciplined them using natural and logical consequences.
Sometimes a bollocking when they are really bad or were over tired. They get fantastic school reports - behaviour is always perfect and they are high achievers but they do answer back at home and can be argumentative to me and my husband. They wouldn’t try it with another adult though.

Yes, I did. Not afraid they would get physical towards me but afraid to disappoint or let them down and I think my dc feel similarly towards myself and my DH. We have brought up two wonderful dc who contribute positively to society and I’m very proud of them. I deal with a lot of troubled youngsters in the course of my work and I think that many parents lose control as soon as dc realise that parents are actually unable to do much once they start pushing. The relationship seems to be the key.

I wasnt scared or fearful of my parents day to day. But my dad was and still is a soft touch so we would maybe push boundaries as we knew there would be no repercussions. But my mum.... she let nothing slide. She wasnt strict everyday but if we did something wrong... like swear, or I dont know, she would give us into trouble and we were scared if we heard her coming to our room to do that! So we werent fearful and had great relationships but my mum taught us alot of what was right and wrong and what we couldn't do. So it done us okay. Alot of parents now insist on gentle parenting and I think that gets you nowhere and gives young people potential mh issues.

I wasn’t afraid of my mum she was lovely to me as a child and only rarely shouted but my dad would shout and smack me several times hard across back of head, back, legs and bottom for reasons I can’t even remember so no I don’t believe a child should be afraid of their parents to an extent

I disagree.

Respect doesn’t require fear to exist, and when it’s driven primarily by fear, it’s usually not true respect but compliance. People comply when they are threatened, it has nothing to do with respect.
Genuine respect comes from understanding and regard, not from intimidation or the threat of consequences.

I was in fear of my father throughout my childhood. He was pretty abusive, but back then I didn't realise that it wasn't normal, after all it was all I was used to.
It was only when I was well into adulthood, and he was unwell that I stopped being scared of him. It's had a lasting impact on me, and has affected my adult relationships. As he aged I helped and supported him for a few years, but now refuse to help him after being on the receiving end of too much abuse and disrespect.

Of course, I was afraid if I smoked a cigarette what would my mum and dad say, if I had a sip of alcohol at 16 what would they say, or act out at school/ not do homework, but this is respect. I was never afraid to be a child. And I think that’s the difference.