AIBU to resent my mother-in-law staying four weeks after my C-section?

Actually it does:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiot

I'm pretty sure everyone knows the historical nature of that insult. You and MNHQ (yes, I reported the Post as I found it so disgracefully offensive) might think it's acceptable but those of us who have relatives with special needs who are still called that find it deeply offensive.

OP might as well have used the R word. It has the same connotations. 'Moron' is just the more socially acceptable version.

Idiot is, as I am sure you actually know, quite different and doesn't have the same historical baggage.

Between the mid-1940s and mid-1970s, the average age of mother decreased by just less than 3 years (29.3 years in 1944 to 26.4 years in 1973 to 1975). From the above document.

Why? No insult by definition is nice, but this is no worse than most in my view.

Would idiot be ok? Means the same thing.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/bulletins/birthsbyparentscharacteristicsinenglandandwales/2014#:~:text=Between%20the%20mid%2D1940s%20and,average%20age%20of%20all%20mothers.

Congratulations on your baby! Harden your heart and look after yourself and your baby. Stop with the cups of tea and only make something for yourself if you’re the one doing all the cooking. If she cries or asks you a question ignore her and say sorry I just need to do x or y with the baby and take yourself off to another room.

Have a good chat with your husband and lay down the expectations you shouldn’t be doing too much 4 weeks after a c-section except taking it easy. I’ve had two c-sections and while my recovery went well it was only because my husband pulled his weight around the house.

Average age of motherhood reached an all time low in 1981. Most women having babies in the '70s were in their 20's, women had an average of about 2.3 children each, the wide availibilty of contraceptiin meant that women were completing their families sooner, so having your first child at 42 in 1976 was very unusial.

Your DH needs a boot up the backside. Or a gentle word. Whatever it takes to actually pull his finger out. I know which way I would jump, but you know what works with your own husband.
If your MIL hasn't had any recent experience in handling new-borns, it's not surprising that she might be nervous about it. She's 92. Personally, I'd be glad to excuse her without offending her with my concern about her suitability to help with my baby. That said, since she's not able to help, her presence in the household is hindering your recovery without being of any benefit to you.
It's down to your DH to kindly suggest his mother leaves, for now.

Regardless of how upset you are, there are never any acceptable circumstances where you should refer to people as 'complete fucking morons.'

Not really, old for a first child but plenty of women were several kids deep having a baby I. Their 40s.

YANBU and congratulations. Stop making her tea, lunch, anything. If her age means she needs care the it’s not for a new mum to be providing. Let her go without and complain to DH a few times, he’ll either get the message or they will annoy each other.

I got a bit more sense out of my DH once his mother had died. Although he did leave home at 17 and never went back. He was also somewhat aware of what a vile woman she was. It might be the same for you @Dougiesmaw .We met in later life and I was unable to have any more children. My DH would have been exactly like yours with a child. Men in their 50’s are not very adaptable to change. Fingers crossed matters improve for you.💐

Quick google suggests 40% were in for more than a week in 1975, these tended to be FTMs and tbh in 1976 42 would have been considered exceptionally old to have a first baby.

My next door neighbour is 99 so you could have a few years yet and they'll be sizing you up for elder care no doubt

Maybe thats was area dependant. My mum always says it was 5 or 6 days, with day one being the day baby was born for a morning birth, that day didn't count for an afternoon birth.

But either way mums had more time to recover after birth. And baby's were in a nursery at night. Giving mums a chance to sleep 😴

Tbf she probably has completely forgotten life with a new born. Its such a short period of time, and everyone is exhausted. Hes 50 so its 50 years ago. And parenting advice has completely changed, mums are no longer advised to make up the days bottles and put them in the fridge, and leaving babies in prams outside shops or the bottom of the garden is a big no no.

At 92 she maybe doesn't have much strength in her arms either so not confident holding baby

However I'd send her packing.
Lovely to see you, but I need to get into a routine on my own!

But in 1976 FTM routinely had 2 weeks in hospital, then she was unwell so potentially even longer. Women weren't discharged until they were fully recovered. Husbands weren't really expected to help out.

OP, I’m just wondering what you’d have said if she hadn’t come to see the baby - that she’s waited four weeks is quite good going! Yes, it’s irritating that she’s staying a week, and she has shown how enmeshed she is with DH - but what else has she to do at her age? I’m very sorry you’re suffering and that BF isn’t going well - just take yourself and baby off to the bedroom to feed, and ask DH to bring you a cup of tea while you’re doing it! Your DH has to understand that there’s more to parenthood than beaming at his wife and child. And you need to talk to DH about what you are and are not prepared to put up with re his DM - remind him of why he moved away! I understand that you resent your MIL, and would very much rather she hadn’t come to stay, but at 92, she’s waited a very long time to become a Grandma - let her enjoy a bit of it: you can grit your teeth for a week! I would make very plain, though, to DH that in future he ensures he has consulted you over visits etc, and that the needs of your DC have to come before her wants.

She is very good for her age but obviously frail. Their relationship appears codependent and very, very odd. He is 50

You have every right to set boundaries and its ridiculous that your DH isn't getting up till 10, but I think it's important to remember that many people in their 50s spend a lot of time dealing with elderly parents.

On the plus side, the situation is not going to go on forever, but on the negative side, it might get worse before it gets better.

It’s not a 92 year old woman’s fault that your husband stayed in bed till 10am when you were up all night caring for a newborn after a c section, that’s on him, and should be addressed separately to the issue of his very elderly mother

Please no more making cups of tea.
DH - this is his job. Along with caring for you and doing nappies etc.
It’s time for a quiet chat with DH.
But no more making cups of tea, or cooking meals for them. A vague hmmm or ‘oh really’ for any silly comments is non committal. If you can take baby for a walk in the Pram every day.
Good luck. This too shall pass

It’s not like, at age 90 plus, She has come to visit, help with meals, housework,

ironing, washing.
It’s like aged care. You can’t possibly be looking after baby, and aged mother in law.
Husband has to tell her it’s time to go home. She can visit again in a few months when you have recovered. This is your time to heal, and adjust, and just spend time with bubs.
congratulations.

So there is a lot to unpack here.

First borne are tough - you don’t always know what you are doing and it’s completely new. You are sleep deprived and overwhelmed.

MIL staying shouldn’t be a problem but it also shouldn’t be your problem. Let you OH do everything for her.

You can’t resent them not getting up in the night when you are BF but you need to be clear that your OH needs to step up.

The over contrived manipulation you are seeing can also be an old women who may not be 100% in her for mental state and is all over the place too. She may have been very upset and the may have been very happy when you told her to stay - that isn’t definite narcissistic behaviour - thats an old women feeling emotionally overwhelmed as well.

I don’t think it’s strange for a 92 year old to not remember babies many many decades ago - memory can be tricky for older people sometimes.

Believe me the worst time in a lot of marriages is when a baby is born. It’s just the time.

Four weeks after birth still struggling with recovery and BF may potentially suggest a little more here? Are you feeling overwhelmed? Have you spoken to you HV?

Send them out to a hotel?

I'm suprised at the responses. She's 92! That changes everything. She isn't a MIL in traditional sense - she's the age of your baby's great grandparents who we would not expect to be particularly helpful or give realistic. Older adults experience cognitive change as par for the course and then of course there is the high risk that she's developing a neurocognitive disorder which would interefer with her thinking. Social cognition undergoes changes so what you view as manipulative is just as likely to be change that she doesn't register and can't help.

That's not to say that this is easy for you. It sounds awful and she's clearly not being helpful. I think you need to reframe this though as she's likely not capable of being helpful in a traditional MIL sense. If she's said that she doesn't remember her DH as a baby then that's possibly true. Everything about parenting is different and her perception of normal is going to be very different. Many older adults struggle with noise and baby's crying is a significant and common trigger.

Realistically, you and her son with be in a caring position when you are with her due to her age. There's no point in getting angry at her and she won't be able to do things differently. Extract yourself the best that you can and focus on your baby. Do expect more care to be needed from your DH very, very shortly though.