AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

He’s ridiculous in some ways, but so are you.

Do you actually enjoy spending time with your husband?Do you want to spend time with him? Just the two of you? Do you still enjoy sex with him? Intimacy?

What sort of partners do you want your sons to be in the future? I wanted to model a happy marriage to my sons, where we listened to each other and sometimes prioritised each other and our relationship. They grew up knowing it was important to nurture a partner and that, although they were always loved, sometimes we also needed/ wanted to be together. And now they’re great partners in happy marriages.

Think very carefully before you neglect your relationship to over parent your children. The hockey thing was ridiculous. We’ve all been interrupted during sex but most of us (well in my marriage) have managed to rekindle the flame after a minor break. The shooting/boarding school thing is a symptom of your husband worrying about how you’re interacting with the boys. If he is as good with them as you say, I am sure you can work this out.

The hockey game thing was a bit ridiculous but everything else YANBU

The hockey match is utterly absurd. Don’t come back moaning on here in 5 years if you continue to ignore the attention your (and any) marriage needs to flourish.

Quite

I think you sound like you’re a good mum. All the examples given were reasonable (including hockey match). Ask your DH when he imagines the best mother for his children, does she put her kids first or second? Bloody men wanting it all their own way. Plus boarding will not ‘toughen’ them up.

This OP. You sound like a great mum. I’d be ditching him full time and focusing on the kids.

Stopping sex as child calls out. Fair enough. Sure most of us would

cancelling a night away esp for his bday as son lost a match was silly and understand why dh pissed off

unless kids wants to board then no need if parents at home

The hockey match example, yabu.

The rest, I agree with you.

You shouldn't have cancelled the weekend away.

The rest I agree with you on. Did he expect you to have sex whilst your DC was calling for you, that's a bit off to me. Plus no way would I consider boarding or want to toughen up my child.

It would drive me mad to live with someone who pandered to the kids to this extent but different people have different preferences.

I’d have thought it was fairly obvious you’d have to stop having sex - surely if you didn’t the child would come looking for you, start rattling the door handle!

The hockey thing is ridiculous. I can’t believe you cancelled a hotel over that!

Plenty of parents wouldn’t be comfortable with boarding school. I don’t think you’re unreasonable but I can see that in the context of a mother who won’t leave their child when they lost a hockey match, a father who went to boarding school himself might consider it more coddling. I’d disagree, but can see how he might get there in his own head.

"Who would want to carry on having sex while your child calls out for you nearby"

The boarding and the shooting I agree with you but the sex situation I think it's frustration because this probably happens all the time and he probably knows the child is crying out for no reason except no boundaries have been out in place. So it's more like a "here we go again" reaction.

Team husband too. That performance over a lost game and you indulge him rather than teach him not to be a sore loser? As pp said, what a wet wipe!

Regardless of who is 'right ', your husband is feeling neglected. If you want to stay married, you need to listen to that and do something about it. It probably doesn't need to be showy, just consistent and regular.

You shouldn’t have cancelled for the hockey match. Boarding school you should have sorted out years ago, but I wouldn’t be sending a child either, and I think the child should get a say.

The hockey thing is frankly mad. And probably not helpful for dc to have it elevated as a BIG DEAL that meant plans had to be changed. As a side issue your dc need to be able to win or lose with good grace - not over celebrating or dwelling on failures. Otherwise the next few years of sports are going to be unbearable.

On other matters your husband sounds a bit of a dick. Who would want to carry on having sex while your child calls out for you nearby? Why does enjoying shooting mean anything about your personality or resilience as opposed to what you enjoy/don't. Why do small children need to be toughened up?

Boarding of any sort is not acceptable to me as a parent (and ex boarder). Especially not if the motivation is to reduce my child's emotional bond with their mother!

You are not guilty of over prioritising your dc. It is not a competition - or at least any father ans husband worth his salt would not frame it as such. No good dad vyes with their dc for attention.

The issues are more fundamental in your relationship and what you want for your dc childhood.

Wtf he was annoyed that you left him and went to your upset child ?!! I wouldn’t be able to continue any intimacy if any of my children were calling for me.
I would be outraged at him. How dare he ?!
you sound like a wonderful mother. DH can’t be the centre of your attention anymore, you have three children.
i don’t think you should send a child to boarding school to “toughen them up” It’s not 1950. I would not allow this either.
Can you rebook your night away ?

Yes you are spoiling and overparenting your kids.

The boarding school part is a separate issue and you both need to be onboard for that and I see and agree with your reasons against it, but the over focusing on your kids to the extent you don't have alone time with your DH is wrong.

Cancelling plans because your son lost his hockey game is ridiculous and teaching him the wrong lesson. Look into the term "snowplow parenting or over parenting" and it's consequences.

"Snowplow parenting (or bulldozer/lawnmower parenting) is a style where parents remove all obstacles and challenges from a child’s path to guarantee success and avoid failure or discomfort. While aimed at ensuring happiness, this over-involvement inhibits the development of resilience, independence, and essential problem-solving skills in children."

Also think of the future, the kids will grow up and move out (well unless they fail to launch), what will happen to you given your whole identity has been wrapped up in parenting them and protecting them and running after them?

With what I've read it looks like your children's emotional state dictates your decisions and you drop everything to regulate their emotions but this will prevent your kids from learning how to handle their emotions and disappointment. This will result in low emotional regulation, but also a sense of control over you because they learn over time that all they need to do is cry or call our and you will drop everything and rush over. Another effect is anxiety as they get older especially when it's time to move out and you will end up getting burnt out with no identify outside parenting. Hopefully your marriage survived but if it doesn't then what?

I'm not saying you ignore you kids but there have to be boundaries. Eg the hockey situation you acknowledge his sadness and his feelings which are valid, maybe spend 10 mins giving him attention then tell him to have fun with Grandma and you will see him later and go on your date.

Hmmm the little calling for you - unreasonable of him to sulk that you went to him. Cancelling a weekend away because eldest was upset about losing a sports match - ridiculous of you.

Boarding - given your dh boarded I think opting for flexi is already showing he’s willing to compromise. 9 is young to imagine being a boarder though - can you suggest flexi boarding for 13? (By flexi I’m assuming you mean 5 nights boarding coming home each weekend?) Some schools do very flexi - one or two mid weeks. Is that something to look at? And re-book that weekend away!

The only thing I agree with your H is the hockey match. Maybe try couples therapy to try and align with each other?

the hockey match thing wa ridiculous reason not to spend night away. I totally get not wanting your son to board though.

Personally I am of the view the best thing for my kids is a secure, loving home and the foundation of that is our marriage. So as kids can be all consuming at times I think it’s important to nurture the marriage too. I know lots of mothers are all about putting kids first and then complaining about their relationship.

I'm 50/50. Team DH on the hockey match - by 9 kids should know how to lose. But whenever my DH trots out 'toughen him up' or anything along those lines, I push back pretty hard. That 'tough with no feelings except anger' stereotype isn't healthy, and isn't something that I'm happy to pass to the next generation.

Would DH be open to change, if he knew that you were as well?

I think that you’re both unreasonable.

For example you were unreasonable to cancel the trip away because ds lost the match. Why would you have your child do a competitive sport if you struggle to cope with winning and losing aspect? Learning to cope with losing is normal and you should have modelled getting on with things. You treated the loss as a massive deal. Even if he’d lost in the football World Cup Final, life has to go on.

Your husband is unreasonable with the shooting thing. Your son didn’t dislike it because he’s spoiled. If you asked him, he’d probably tell you why and I’m happy to bet it’s a tangible thing like gun being heavy, noisy, not running around etc

Your h isn’t unreasonable to be annoyed and lose his willingness to have sex when you went to find your son. It would be strange if he still wanted sex when you returned tbh and the fact that you left the room speaks volumes.

The school thing is hard to comment on as we don’t know your son but it sounds like you baby the boys while your h is “bad cop” for doing the opposite with comments like needing your son to toughen up.

The hockey match is utterly ridiculous.

Your son should decide whether he wants to board.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a child calling for me.

I can’t believe you cancelled a hotel and a babysitter because your son lost a game.