AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

children need both parents and often both approaches. Sometimes there is a time for softness and sometimes there is a need for robustness.

your way OP and in general the approach of mums is not the only way or the “correct way”. Parenting doesn’t mean you ask how high when your kids say jump. Emotional regulation, loss, confidence, self reliance, bravery etc all these things come from trying and failing or doing things that are hard and learning to self soothe.

you have 3 boys its ok to listen to their father and to let him have a role in shaping them and how they navigate the world. And to recognise that sometimes you can let them problem solve or self regulate without you. They are safe at home or with people you trust.

I think the issue isn’t jumping up on the middle of sex. It’s obviously about a pattern of behaviour. Where you are over parenting the children and he thinks they need some independence.

i think flexi-boarding is a compromise. And if DS doesn’t like you can move to day.

You know, this is quite a common situation on mumsnet, where a man grows up with less affection than he should have as a child and then doesn't learn from that and rejoice to have a wife who provides that for his children, bit whp resents it to a level! He had your undivided attention for a long time before kids came along and misses it.

I've must have read at least 4 or 5 similar threads on here where the father puts the onus on his wife to give him more attention in that regard, as she's "giving too much attention to the children".

My husband and I had 12 years together before having kids so I know how much it changes things, and in your scenario the birthday one was perhaps an error as the nine year old wouldn't have been traumatised by you both going out, but the others are normal. I'm surprised people who grow up wanting more affection don't then want to break that cycle for their own kids and hold them close. Strange.

I felt for your husband a tad until he whinged because he wants his son to be a boarder and that he didn't like shooting.

With you on not wanting to send kids to boarding school, OP. My DH went and it affects him to this day - he struggles to process his emotions and has a terrible relationship with his parents.

But the hockey match thing is nuts! You are babying your kids. As a parent, it’s our job to show them love, but also teach them resilience! No child should be that upset over losing a sports game, and by cancelling your time away, you are reaffirming to your son that it’s a big deal.

Honestly, I’ve seen it play out with friends’ kids who were over-cosseted like this - they now have older teens who can’t cope with anything and struggle with mental health etc, as they never learned to be resilient in the real world.

Cancelling the night away was a bad decision but everything else YANBU. How can you carry on having sex when your child is awake and about and calling your name?? Your child has the right to his own interests and preferences and if he doesn't like shooting that's up to him, and sending him to boarding school to toughen him up at 11 is just mind blowing. I get that your family is clearly of a different social class to mine but if anyone suggested sending my 11 year old away to make him tougher I'd lose all respect for them and anything they said in future.

I can’t get over cancelling a weekend away because your son is a poor loser. That’s nuts!

The rest I get what you are saying.

I think though your husband has seen enough of this sooking by your kid that he’s genuinely concerned. I would be too.

first post nails it. You're being unfair to your husband and it's just rank bad helicopter parenting that every time one of your children gets upset over trivial things then the world has to move to align with their needs.

It sounds like his point is that OP puts them first too often. It sounds like they come first almost always. And OP says that her husband adores the children and is every bit as involved as she is, so I doubt that he minds them coming first the majority of the time. It sounds as if he just wants to feel like a husband occasionally instead of just a dad.

This is very insightful.

Also, if husband thinks that boys need toughening up, he needs to step into the present century. Attitudes like that belong in the ark.

It does sound as if you prioritise the kids occasionally when you could have put your husband first, tbh. The good news is that I don't think it would take much to right the balance. Make time for your husband, and when you do have time alone with him, focus on that time together. And yes, he's right about the two of you being left with each other when the boys go off to their own lives.

Was the real reason you missed the weekend away because your son missed the hockey game or is the some wider confidence issues about being away from the home/ kids? Because that’s ridiculous.

It sounds like you’re raising some very privileged kids (hockey, shooting, private and or boarding school) which is fine and a lovely position to be in but you need to be careful they’re not spoilt and knowing they dictate your every second if they loose a hockey game for example is what I mean by that.

He is right somewhat but not completely

Boys seem to have a tough time with emotional regulation. that's why you need to be teaching it to them. The oldest needs to learn how to deal with his sad feelings about things. That doesn't mean the world stops while he has sad feelings.
You see these grown men who sulk and stomp and make everyone else in their household miserable because they never learned emotional regulation.

The youngest coming in for no reason just because he wanted to that also could be avoided.

As for the school that's something you both have to decide

I can’t from the examples you give (though cancelling a weekend away because your DS lost a hockey match is bizarre), but more generally it would do no harm to remember you’re a wife as well as a mother, and your DH is a husband as well as a father. You need to get that bit right. You and your DH are The Team and making sure it stays that way is the goal. Couples therapy may help you unpack this. Your kids will be off to uni in 10-12 years. What will your marriage look like when that happens? Will you be excited to spend more time as a couple or will you be looking at the rubble of a relationship that spent so long over focused on kids that it forgot to attend to the mortar holding the whole shebang together?

Having sex when your kid is calling for you and then would likely walk in on you is messed up - on your side there.

Your kid does need to get over losing a game - we all lose sometimes and it is part of life. It is actually healthy to let your kid experience loss - we all need to learn how to accept loss as a part of life and learn we are not entitled to win. Teaches us to be gracious and work harder!

The shooting and the boarding school make your husband sound gross imo! Why have kids if you just want to pack them off! And saying a kid is spoilt because he doesn’t want to shoot stuff for fun sounds so caveman like! Honestly it sounds like your husband wants to keep up with the Jones and is living in the 1900’s.

No, the child wasn't upset and it doesn't sound like her husband had a full on sulk but lost the mood which, let's face it, happens.

@BeBusyBlueBee I agree with the broad consensus that your husbands comments about your sons needing to toughen up and flexi boarding aren't right & too far, but equally he does seem to have valid points re you neglecting your relationship. By your own admission.

The pp who mentioned snowblowing, yes it does sound you're smoothing their paths too much. Example - cancelling your night away because of a lost hockey game!

Madness....

It says something when the Team Husband gets a win from mumsnet judges! You know he has a point and it sounds like you communicate well so you should be able to navigate this. Let your children learn resilience and how to keep disappointments in perspective and enjoy some time with your husband, you won't be failing your sons if you do.

You are not doing your children any favours. Encouraging a 9yo to be distressed over losing a sporting match by making out it was a big deal, and enough so to cancel the weekends plans😳. Unbelievable.

I think you have to be careful to nurture your relationship while caring for your family. But that doesn’t seem to be the problem here.

It seems that yourself and your DH have had very different upbringings and as a result you are valuing different things. You have fundamental differences in what you think are important outcomes.

Hope you don't mind me saying, but I think you seem more mentally and emotionally healthy than your husband, and he has issues with thinking children should be sent away to live in school if they don't need to be and have a hobby kil ling British wildlife.
Just as many children are a bused in boarding school as those in care homes, and he seems to have a superiority complex in punishing you for putting your offspring's needs first.

It sounds like having another child in the home who wants all the attention, and not very arousing.

Team husband on the hockey match, honestly!! But boarding school I’m team op, and so what if a child doesn’t enjoy shooting??! The sex thing - the kids interrupting kills the mood for me so while I might not have got up to them, I’d have struggled to get back into it.
i think you should book another weekend away even if it doesn’t suit and on that weekend say you’re not up for boarding, many many parents aren’t and that doesn’t make you soft. You recognise you were totally wrong over the hockey and will try hard not to do that again, hence this weekend. And as for shooting our kids aren’t us - they are going to like their own things and you need to recognise that, if you blame me every time they don’t like something you do we won’t get out of this married. I don’t blame you because <example of how one or some of the children is/are different from you> , wouldn’t have crossed my mind.

Looking after your marriage is part of looking after your children. One of the most important things you can give your children is a stable home. However, your examples are a bit of a mixture. Cancelling the trip because of a lost match was absolutely ridiculous. Disagreeing about boarding is just a disagreement; you can prioritise each other with children in day school!

Yes, but the usual scheme of things only applies if the marriage is maintained so that it survives the time children are infants

The hockey match was OTT, but with the rest of your examples you have a point.

I wouldn't have cancelled the weekend away but other than that, I agree with you.

Did he really think you should have sex and ignore a 5 year old shouting for his mummy? I fault him as a dad right there.

Aww diddums the poor man. Or maybe he could, you know, be an actual grown up and accept sometimes being a parent means your needs come last?

I wouldn't have cancelled the weekend but tbh i think your dh sounds like an arse.

Happy spouse, happy house, All being well, your children will start being more independent soon. Most spend more time with friends in their teens and a lot move out at 18. Sure, many don't due to the horrible job/housing market, but most of us want them to have the chance to be in their own place, putting their husband/wife first, so though we might be with our spouse from say 25-80, we'll only be living with our kids for less than half of that. I wouldn't want to be like a MIL I read about who spends all her time trying to be with her daughter, and interfering in her life. So in the usual scheme of things, we'll spend a lot more time with our spouse than with our kids.