Page 6 | AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

BeBusyBlueBee · 2026-04-17T20:27:04+00:00

My husband 44 and I 42, and we have been married for 13 years and have been together since I was 19 so quite a long time. We have three sons aged 9, 7 and 5 and we absolutely adore them. My husband is a very involved and loving father, he always knows what is going on with the boys and is very hands on. I think that is part of why this feels quite difficult, because I cannot fault him as a dad. However, he has recently said that I put the children before him and before our marriage too often. I do not completely disagree, I think I probably do struggle to find the right balance, but I am not sure I am as unreasonable as he is making out. For example, recently he initiated sex and I was in the mood. In the middle of it our youngest called for me. I told him to wait a moment while I felt uncomfortable ignoring him, It turned out he was absolutely fine and just wanted me. When I went back, my husband said he was no longer in the mood. I suggested we could try again later, but he was clearly annoyed. Another example is his birthday. I had arranged everything, his mum was going to have the boys and we had a hotel booked in another city for the night. That morning our eldest had a hockey match, which we both went to and would not have missed. My husband loves hockey and has always played from school, university to even now for various local teams so it meant a lot to both of us to be there. Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision. We are also now disagreeing about secondary school options for our eldest. We were both privately educated. My husband thinks he should go as a flexi boarder as he believes it would toughen him up. I am not comfortable with that at all and would prefer he attends as a day pupil. There have been smaller comments too. For example, our eldest recently went shooting with his grandfather and was not particularly interested. My husband said this is because I have spoilt him too much and that he should be more enthusiastic about these kinds of things. I suppose from my perspective I am just trying to be responsive to our children and their needs, especially when they are upset. From his perspective, I think he feels pushed aside and that I prioritise the children to the detriment of our relationship. So AIBU to think he is being a bit unfair, or do I need to take a step back and rebalance things? I want my marriage to work. It has been tough the last year or so. He sees it as in the end our boys will grow up and have their own lives which is true.

Simplelobsterhat · 18/04/2026 07:40

Thechaseison71 · 18/04/2026 07:31

This little? The eldest is almost a teenager

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He's 4 years away from being a teenager. That's nearly half his life again. No need to rush to the next stage yet!

Thechaseison71 · 18/04/2026 07:31

Planner2026 · 17/04/2026 22:25

I feel for you. You’re a good, loving mum. He’s making you feel like this - he sounds a bit petulant.

I’m feeling that he had a harder time of it growing up than your boys and is a bit jealous of the softer, kinder, more loving childhood that they are having. I had this a bit with my husband too. Well tough titties - the kids come first. Always.

But, having said that, you do sometimes you have to show them that they are loved and valued otherwise you’re going to end up divorced. Try again with a date night or weekend away.

The children won’t always be this little and demanding. Put your children first but do what you need to do to keep your husband on-side.

We’re nearly 40 years together, married for 37 years.

This little? The eldest is almost a teenager

Original poster

BeBusyBlueBee · 18/04/2026 07:29

Moonnstarz · 18/04/2026 07:18

Some of your examples seem normal and your DH is being unreasonable. I think it's fine for the 5 year old to want to sit and have a cuddle or for a child to want you at nighttime if they can't sleep.

Is there part of him that thinks because they are boys they should be tougher, and he would be more lenient if they were girls?

In terms of cancelling your overnight stay as your child was upset over losing a match then I think you were wrong to do so. Children need to learn resilience and to accept wins and losses. At 9 years old I would be concerned over the extreme reaction. Do you normally let them win all the time, for example playing games? If so you really need to start playing fair and letting them lose, as this extreme reaction will not go down well with friends if he goes round theirs and loses at something.
Or does the 9 year old have sen? In which case you still need to work on accepting they won't win all the time, but might make the extreme reaction seem more understanding (and maybe your DH isn't accepting of your son's needs).

I think he’d be more lenient if they were girls.

Recently our 5 year old has been having horrible sleep, he has a nightmare came to our room. DH and I weren’t asleep we were just talking and cuddling. Our son wanted to get into our bed, DH told him no he needs to sleep in his room. Kept telling him “ you’re a big boy off you go” and DH went to his room with him to help him settle down and came back when he was settled down.

DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft.

OP posts:

DeedlessIndeed · 18/04/2026 07:28

Mt563 · 17/04/2026 22:00

Regardless of who is 'right ', your husband is feeling neglected. If you want to stay married, you need to listen to that and do something about it. It probably doesn't need to be showy, just consistent and regular.

This is so true. It is not like you still have little babies that need you 24/7 OP. Relationships can starve if they aren't nurtured. If you want a healthy marriage you need to make your husband feel loved, in the same way I would expect to feel loved as a wife.

Don't get distracted with who is winning. The fact DH has communicated this should be a nudge to both work together to get things back on track.

And I am not saying I agree with all of DH's arguments. But that isn't really the point. It is about how he feels about the relationship.

Simplelobsterhat · 18/04/2026 07:26

BeBusyBlueBee · 18/04/2026 07:10

I may give them too much affection and we were together for a long time before the kids came along.

DH loves our boys I don’t doubt that at all. Most Saturdays he gets up and lets me have a lie I’m so he came have the morning and afternoon with them. He takes them out to various activities.

I just think he didn’t have much affection growing up and now he sees me give so much affection to his children he doesn’t know how to act. Not too long ago we decided to have a movie afternoon with the boys and my youngest wanted to cuddle me and sit next to both his dad and I. We let him and after a while DH said ‘that’s enough now you’re a big boy go sit in your chair’ and he didn’t really want to do that and DH asked him again more stern I guess and he went and sat on his chair sulking. He got over it but DH just wanted him out of the way so he to cuddle me.

We did talk about it after and I said he’s 5 he just wants to cuddle nothing wrong with that. He think I’m being too soft with them. It’s my first time parenting too and I don’t want to mess them up on either direction.

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Ok, I hadn't seen this example when I replied - he stopped a 5 year old sitting with his mum and cuddling while watching a film so he could sit next to you instead? That's horrible. I still snuggle next to my 10 yo ds watching a film or TV if he wants to (and my 16 yo DD for that matter). It's not normal to be uncomfortable with that I don't think. And putting together the sex thing and you saying he wanted him out of the way so he could cuddle you instead, makes me think by 'being a husband' he just means he wants more sex and physical contact. I'm sure boarding school would be very convenient for him! Yuk.

Don't let anyone tell you you give kids too much affection, especially not when they seem to demand quite a lot of affection themselves!

Mischance · 18/04/2026 07:25

The hockey thing is bonkers! You should have gone. That decicion is one end of a spectrum.
Wanting to send them to boarding school to toughen them up and wanting a child to want to kill animals are the other end.

Can you not meet in the middle?

wheresthespuds · 18/04/2026 07:20

I don’t believe you can show too much affection, personally.

I do, however, believe that you can show too little.

whilst you seem to be a very responsive parent, you do also need to start instilling a sense of autonomy in your children. You could have talked about how tough it felt to lose the game, but it’s not the end of the world. And then handed the kids over to their grandparents.

Remember that the marriage is the foundation for the family unit, and deserves as much nurturing as the children.

it sounds like you are trying so hard… and I commend that! But please take a little step back, allow your children to deal with things by themselves and be there to offer guidance if needed. They are quite resilient when given the space, but will easily learn how to depend on the adult who doesn’t give them space.

(Montessorians are pretty clear about this if you want further reading!)

landlordhell · 18/04/2026 07:19

Nothing wrong with lots of affection . You can give time to your marriage AND give lots of affection to your children

LVhandbagsatdawn · 18/04/2026 07:18

The marriage is the foundation on which your family is built. Neglect it and the whole thing crumbles. I don't mean that in a religious way (not religious at all) but the relationship/marriage came first and without it your children wouldn't exist. It's the bedrock and it has to be looked after as well as the children.

It's common for the marriage to take a back seat when children arrive of course, but if you let that drag on then cracks will appear. An awful lot of marriages/families break up because the spouses/partners don't take time to prioritise each other.

Moonnstarz · 18/04/2026 07:18

Some of your examples seem normal and your DH is being unreasonable. I think it's fine for the 5 year old to want to sit and have a cuddle or for a child to want you at nighttime if they can't sleep.

Is there part of him that thinks because they are boys they should be tougher, and he would be more lenient if they were girls?

In terms of cancelling your overnight stay as your child was upset over losing a match then I think you were wrong to do so. Children need to learn resilience and to accept wins and losses. At 9 years old I would be concerned over the extreme reaction. Do you normally let them win all the time, for example playing games? If so you really need to start playing fair and letting them lose, as this extreme reaction will not go down well with friends if he goes round theirs and loses at something.
Or does the 9 year old have sen? In which case you still need to work on accepting they won't win all the time, but might make the extreme reaction seem more understanding (and maybe your DH isn't accepting of your son's needs).

harriethoyle · 18/04/2026 07:17

Do you see that the hockey cancellation was batshit @BeBusyBlueBee ? I wonder if this demoting of your husband happens far more than you realise and he’s sick of feeling like your last priority.

landlordhell · 18/04/2026 07:15

Missing your weekend away because your son was upset about losing was a BIG mistake and doesn’t help your son shrug it off, you gave it weight. However a child calling for you in the night is going to kill any passion so you’re not wrong there. As for boarding, it wouldn’t be for me.
I think as long as you plan stuff together and carve out time here and there it’s a healthy balance. He sounds a little unreasonable to me part from the hockey sore loser son.

Simplelobsterhat · 18/04/2026 07:15

Mixed feelings here. Obviously in general children come first. Yanbu to stop sex if a child is calling you and frankly I think anytime who could carry on having sex while they can hear their child's voice calling is weird (I also wouldn't be in the mood to carry on after the interruption, but he shouldn't be angry about it). I also wouldn't ever criticise anyone for not wanting their child to go to boarding school, and sulking because your son doesn't like shooting is horrible - he has a really set idea of what a good upper class boy should be like doesn't he! Yuk.

However, I would be so upset if a birthday night away was cancelled just because a child had lost a sports match . That seems a really over the top reaction, and not at all healthy for the child either. So that makes me think there may be some truth at times in what Dh says and wonder if there are other examples he would give.

Although having said that, I also wonder if he ever puts you first, or if it's just his needs that he thinks should be important?

Totalinsanity · 18/04/2026 07:15

Other than the hockey - children need to learn that losing is a normal part of sport -I don’t think you are particularly unreasonable - it’s perfectly normal that your ds may not like shooting, many boys that age prefer the beating - hiking, dogs and lots of activity & chat is way less dull that standing on a peg with a heavy, noisy gun. And let’s face it, maybe he quite reasonably doesn’t like the sport! The flex boarding depends on what your son’s wishes are - unless he’s really keen & socially resilient (the hockey incident implies not yet) then I wouldn’t ….better to start school as a day pupil and then choose to board than the other way round. As for the sex interruption - would it have been any fun continuing with a child calling out in the background or walking in when you didn’t respond to them?! And yes, totally normal to lose the feeling after the interruption- it’s a shrug and move on moment, not a big deal. Well done for suggesting counselling, I hope it helps.

Original poster

BeBusyBlueBee · 18/04/2026 07:13

JuliettaCaeser · 18/04/2026 06:54

Hmm I’d be careful op. Those lads will likely be gone without a backward glance in a few years. You and your DH and your relationship matter too. Healthy for them to realise that and that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

You’re right

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Original poster

BeBusyBlueBee · 18/04/2026 07:10

Imisscoffee2021 · 18/04/2026 06:07

You know, this is quite a common situation on mumsnet, where a man grows up with less affection than he should have as a child and then doesn't learn from that and rejoice to have a wife who provides that for his children, bit whp resents it to a level! He had your undivided attention for a long time before kids came along and misses it.

I've must have read at least 4 or 5 similar threads on here where the father puts the onus on his wife to give him more attention in that regard, as she's "giving too much attention to the children".

My husband and I had 12 years together before having kids so I know how much it changes things, and in your scenario the birthday one was perhaps an error as the nine year old wouldn't have been traumatised by you both going out, but the others are normal. I'm surprised people who grow up wanting more affection don't then want to break that cycle for their own kids and hold them close. Strange.

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I may give them too much affection and we were together for a long time before the kids came along.

DH loves our boys I don’t doubt that at all. Most Saturdays he gets up and lets me have a lie I’m so he came have the morning and afternoon with them. He takes them out to various activities.

I just think he didn’t have much affection growing up and now he sees me give so much affection to his children he doesn’t know how to act. Not too long ago we decided to have a movie afternoon with the boys and my youngest wanted to cuddle me and sit next to both his dad and I. We let him and after a while DH said ‘that’s enough now you’re a big boy go sit in your chair’ and he didn’t really want to do that and DH asked him again more stern I guess and he went and sat on his chair sulking. He got over it but DH just wanted him out of the way so he to cuddle me.

We did talk about it after and I said he’s 5 he just wants to cuddle nothing wrong with that. He think I’m being too soft with them. It’s my first time parenting too and I don’t want to mess them up on either direction.

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FriedFalafels · 18/04/2026 07:05

Of all the examples you provided, I’d probably say the only one I’d make a different choice on is cancelling the trip away due to your son losing a match. However, having said that, I choose not to go away without my DD in the first place so it would also be hypocritical for me to say

Sending a child to flexi board would not even be a discussion in my house. I had a child as I wanted to be a parent and spend time with them. Sending them away when I have other local options, would take that away for me personally. It sounds like boarding could have impacted his emotional expectations of being a parent

I’m also totally with you on the whole sex thing. I couldn’t carry on doing it whilst my child was awake and calling for me

JuliettaCaeser · 18/04/2026 06:54

Hmm I’d be careful op. Those lads will likely be gone without a backward glance in a few years. You and your DH and your relationship matter too. Healthy for them to realise that and that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 18/04/2026 06:52

BeBusyBlueBee · 18/04/2026 06:48

I do care I’m just finding it hard to balance. I want my children to know that I’ll always be here for them I do give them independence but I do see where DH is coming from.

DH had a hard time growing up. He will never admit it but deep down he did. He never had any affection, his parents loved him but never showed it. I want our children to be well rounded I guess I’m failing at that.

We’ve talked about things. I’ve rescheduled his birthday and we are going to go away for a few days and have a good time but I’ve also suggested couples counselling and individual I think he has a lot of built up resentment towards his childhood.

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I think this is clouding his judgement.

He had limited if any affection in the way your kids have and he doesn't know how to deal with that.

You were unreasonable to cancel his birthday treat just because your son lost a match. But the rest...your husband needs to grow up.

Original poster

BeBusyBlueBee · 18/04/2026 06:52

ForCosyLion · 18/04/2026 04:09

It sounds like his point is that OP puts them first too often. It sounds like they come first almost always. And OP says that her husband adores the children and is every bit as involved as she is, so I doubt that he minds them coming first the majority of the time. It sounds as if he just wants to feel like a husband occasionally instead of just a dad.

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Those were pretty much his exact words. He doesn’t want to just always feel like a dad, he wants to be a husband too and be there for me and I should let him take the lead at times.

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LottieMary · 18/04/2026 06:52

Sex - you were reasonable, the child would’ve come in
hockey - you’re not. You need to teach more resilience
but boarding isn’t the way to do it imo. Your husbands frustrated as pp have said that he perceives your child as too emotional, so maybe some dinner table conversation about different expectations of masculinity might be in order

thepariscrimefiles · 18/04/2026 06:52

You are putting your kids first before your husband, but I don't think that you are wrong to do this.

I assume that your husband went to boarding school? Often fathers who were sent away by their own parents find it difficult to express emotions and form bonds with their own children. I don't think you should send your son to boarding school to 'toughen him up'. Your DH sounds as though he feels it is a competition between himself and his kids for your love and attention.

I agree with other posters that your son's response to losing a hockey match was extreme but I can see why you would have felt unable to leave him with your MIL.

Original poster

BeBusyBlueBee · 18/04/2026 06:48

Jumpingthruhoops · 18/04/2026 00:14

No guess not, but then she can't blame her DH for not wanting to continue when she returned. Fact is, he's feeling neglected and OP needs to decide if she cares enough to address that.

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I do care I’m just finding it hard to balance. I want my children to know that I’ll always be here for them I do give them independence but I do see where DH is coming from.

DH had a hard time growing up. He will never admit it but deep down he did. He never had any affection, his parents loved him but never showed it. I want our children to be well rounded I guess I’m failing at that.

We’ve talked about things. I’ve rescheduled his birthday and we are going to go away for a few days and have a good time but I’ve also suggested couples counselling and individual I think he has a lot of built up resentment towards his childhood.

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RockyKeen · 18/04/2026 06:43

outerspacepotato · 17/04/2026 21:42

Not going away because your son's hockey team lost? It sounds like an excuse not to go.🙄Losing is part of sports.

Your son not enjoying the shooting, he's not interested and your husband shouldn't push him doing things he has no interest in.

The sex, he got peeved you stopped to go check on your child. 🙄 Eyeroll is for him getting peeved.

It sounds like your husband thinks you baby the kids and he thinks they should be more resilient. You think he ignores their emotions and wants to toughen them up in a pretty old fashioned sexist way, that teaches them to ignore their emotions. I think you need to find a middle ground and balance. His extreme ignores their interests and what could be a lot of emotional discomfort, the boarding, but you seem a bit helicopter and overprotective.

Priorities? Before I married my husband, we played a thought experiment about who would we save, partner or child. Both of us picked child so our priorities aligned. It sounds like you and your husband, not so much.

Edited

We’d both save our children. BUT that doesn’t mean we need to prioritise them for everything. We are also a couple and individuals. We prorose our kids, each other as a couple and ourselves individually. We don’t need to be martyrs to be great parents and I think it’s important that children realise that they are a part of a family not the centre of it! .

beAsensible1 · 18/04/2026 06:28

ForCosyLion · 18/04/2026 04:06

This is very insightful.

Also, if husband thinks that boys need toughening up, he needs to step into the present century. Attitudes like that belong in the ark.

It does sound as if you prioritise the kids occasionally when you could have put your husband first, tbh. The good news is that I don't think it would take much to right the balance. Make time for your husband, and when you do have time alone with him, focus on that time together. And yes, he's right about the two of you being left with each other when the boys go off to their own lives.

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I think this is a bit unfair. Of course all children need to toughen up. emotional resilience and confidence being able to brush off small
setbacks are skills developed while young.

if you jump at every small thing it reinforces the idea to children that it’s a big deal and now they catastrophise and become overwhelmed and anxious whenever they have make decisions.

if your entire family changes what it’s doing because you lost a game. That reinforces that the loss is a big deal. Rather than taking a deep breath and trying again next time. Now you become even more anxious when you play and stressed and then you don’t want because of the pressure or the fear of losing.

its ok to tell children. Yes you lost but chin up! You’ll be ok tomorrow I love you and go off to have a good evening.