AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

This is such a sad thread to read. You are doing nothing wrong (okay the hockey loss and the not going away for his birthday was probably not great). But the rest, you just being a good mother is stirring so much resentment in your husband. As others have said you need to address this very carefully, maybe with a therapist who has experience with working with people who went to boarding school. The making a 5 year old sit on another chair because he is jealous is very painful to read. You will turn yourself into a pretzel trying to please your husband at this rate.

I think that ultimately you need to land halfway between the two.

Cuddling your son during a movie - totally normal and telling him he has to sit on his own chair is really sad.

Cancelling a night away because of a lost hockey match - not normal and I can see why your husband is frustrated.

Saying that having no one to hold when you're upset is better - genuinely horrifying to me.

Same for boarding school from 11 unless there's some particular reason driving it.

Enjoyed boarding too.

Also have friends whose kids board. Out of a big mix, one didn't enjoy it and is not flexi.

As long as there's an option to change if they don't like it, then it's fine.

All kids are different and it's not a blanket thing that all won't enjoy it.

Agree.

I have a friend who was always pandering to her kid.

Every tiny bump owchie is kissed and patted, he's then sat down and everything stops. Gets a treat to get over it and more cuddles.

Lovely day outside, no issues, but won't send them out to play or do something productive. Just sit and cuddle for hours as she loves him so much.

Sounds weird when written down, but its the equivalent of those couples who are always entwined, hand holding, stroking each other etc.

Now the lad is turning into a lazy young man and friend "doesn't know where she went wrong"

It can be too much and OP, you're now giving more and more examples for your side, but bet your DH would have more examples too.

The movie thing sounds U, but how many of those incidents have happened?

I don’t understand how you can continue to have sex with a child calling for you.

Theres zero way I’m going to be in the zone if I can a) hear my child and b)worry they could try and walk in at any moment. For me it’s less about “prioritising” and more about settling them down so you can continue to be in the right mood!

Agree with others that the hockey match is ridiculous, the rest sounds like you're in the right.

I wouldn't start boarding before 13 which is quite a long way off for you still. I know on MN boarding=bad but I think it can be fine for the right kid (saying this as a boarding school child myself). I would think this is something you need to discuss and work out together.

That said, I wouldn't have sent mine even if we could have afforded it. I have loved having them around in a way that I missed out on week my own parents.

Can you get him some books about raising kids/boys? To help him understand that a secure attachment and responsive parents when young helps kids be more independent, not the opposite.

It sounds like you over compensate for your dh being emotionally unavailable 🤷‍♀️

You both need to find the middle ground.

A strong marriage is surely the root of the whole family. I don't see what else you could of done when you were in bed and your son called out for you, you couldn't of carried on and ignored him. Cancelling going away because your son lost a match is insane to me. He can cry and get over it.
Sounds to me like you're both a little either side of the line in the middle, you're perhaps over empathetic and your husband a little harsh at times so you struggle to meet in it middle.

It would be over my dead body that my children would of gone to boarding school. I watched this years ago and it struck with me. A documentary about children starting boarding school.

Maybe your oldest could toughen up a little bit e with your love and support and living with his parents!!

Christ. @BeBusyBlueBee I stand with your husband, send the kids to boarding school and toughen them up. They show zero resilience and always need mummy from your account. You’re doing no one any favours.

Team husband for the hockey match - ridiculous to not go away! Loosing is a favt of life and helps children build resilience, your son should be able to rely on other people for comfort and support as well as you.

The sex thing - team you. Couldn't carry on with child shouting me, what if they came in. Could easily have restarted/carrier on, thats part of the fun no?! 🙈

I think there are both sides at fault here. You can be a good mum and a good wife, as can your husband do both. Yes its exhausting but important to maintain both relationships. As my children get older they can wait, be patient and see that not everything revolves around them, me and my DP have needs too, I think its healthy for children to see a balanced family. Yes you love them with your bones but as they grow they shouldn't feel like they run the house/your free time etc

So the 5 year old child is a big boy and needs to go to his own chair but your (adult) husband needs to sit with you and cuddle?! Please see how warped this is.
Your husband desperately needs to get therapy for his lack of parental affection from his parents. You need to be able to cuddle your sons without judgement.
My 10 year old daughter and 8 year old son love to cuddle up at times - sometimes for long periods of times. It is really important for them to be able to do this, as that contact helps ground and regulate them.

I struggled to vote either way - I don't think YBU to interrupt sex if you're child is calling you or not wanting your child to be a boarder. Nor is it unreasonable for your son to not be interested in shooting!!

But I definitely do think it's unreasonable to cancel a night away as your son lost a hockey match!

On balance I think YABU, sounds like your kids do need to learn some resilience but maybe not in the old-school way your DH wants.

You and your husband are both at extremes here. You were absolutely ridiculous to cancel a night away because your kid lost a hockey match but everything your husband comes out with is wild too. I think he could do with some counselling tbh but you both need to compromise.

YABU because of the hockey match. No idea why your child was upset past the point of leaving the venue but they need to toughen up if they are to continue in competitive sport, yes even at age 9.

However your husband needs to be aware that for a while he is able to look after himself whilst young children need help with many things including loving affection for years to come.

This is sad. And weird.

Children needing and wanting affection, physical closeness and love is not something you need to jostle them out of. You give them all the hugs, cuddles, snuggles and strokes they want and need and they naturally grow away as teens.

Your dh sounds messed up.

On the basis of your most recent posts I think your dh would probably benefit from some individual counselling too - resilience isn’t built by withholding affection. His view of life seems a little limited by his upbringing/boarding experience (& I say that as someone who full time boarded 8-18).

Over- reaction to your son losing a hockey match. Children have to learn how to accept victory and defeat.

That’s heartbreaking about the cuddling! I’m so glad for you that you pulled him up on that. My DS is nearly 11, getting more independent everyday but when he’s feeling tired or emotional he still comes in for a cuddle. Affection sets them up for secure independence in the world, it doesn’t stunt it xx

‘Hands on dad’ = ‘parents’

’lets me have a lie in’ = ‘parents on a morning’

Language matters.

You and your H are not on the same page about parenting and raising your children. I don’t think you are favouring your children over your H or your marriage. I feel that is your H perception, as essentially you are and have always been the default parent with regards to parenting and he’s trying to assert himself by pointing the finger rather than being practical. I doubt he feels undervalued when you are taking up his parenting slack.

Your upbringings were different and I think between you, you need to decide on your parenting philosophy. I personally would not be happy with my child being a boarder but I wouldn’t abandon a weekend away because my 9 year old was unhappy with losing a hockey match either. There is a happy medium but you can only reach that if you talk about how you jointly plan to raise your children and that includes their schooling.

I am a single parent but even I had to articulate to myself what my parenting philosophy was. One of my irritations on this site and in IRL are when parents expect children to be x, y and z at a certain age but those principles were never taught or expected of them when they were younger. Nineteen year olds load the dishwasher and separate colours when loading the washing machine because their ten year old selves were taught and were expected to, it isn’t a skill or an attitude that magically kick in at nineteen.

9 is not 13.
In the same way that 1 is not 5.

Interrupting sex because a 5 year old calls you is normal.

Cancelling a night away because a child loses a hockey match is ridiculous.

Sending a child to boarding school to “toughen them up” is child abuse in my opinion.

DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft.

this really is the nub of it. Becoming a parent has stirred difficult feelings about his own childhood. He is jealous of the affection his sons receive. The feelings are your fault because of a problem in your character.

I think you need to try to tease apart what he is actually saying. Obviously that is a very difficult conversation to have and it may be better with a professional. But it is sort of obvious wha the dynamic is.

"He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way" is such a sad sentence.