AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

I remember reading something many years ago and haven’t forgotten! ‘The best thing you can do for your kids is nurture your relationship ie marriage’ as that means you will stay married and evidence shows children do better in a household where parents stay together,

I am like you on the parenting front and even I wouldn’t have cancelled DH’s birthday weekend away for the hockey match example. Your child wasn’t unwell or in danger!

OP, you sound like a lovely mum but your husband has a massive him issue and problem.

He resents his own children having a mother that clearly demonstrates her love for them.

His issue and jealousy of his own children is really toxic.

He needs to get therapy, and fast.

That he wouldn't want more for his own children is awful, and he needs to be challenged firmly on this.

He had a shit lonely childhood and wants similar for his children?

It is so so basic to want more for your children, definitely a better childhood, if yours was challenging.

He doesn't get to dictate how much love you show to them.

He sounds controlling and again needs challenging on this.

If he sours your children's childhood with his jealousy, will you really want to stay married to him?

They are so small and the cuddles evaporate quickly enough.
Don't allow him to inflict his childhood on your mothering.

Therapy, couples counselling should be a non negotiable as you push back.

Good luck.

I would also be hugely concerned he wants boarding school for your children to wrestle back his primacy and get them out of the way.

Hugely concerning and a red flag.
Protect your children from his extremely harmful jealousy.

Definitely sounds like he's jealous seeing his children get the love, attention and consideration he didn't get.

He wants to toughen him up by sending him to boarding school? That would be a hard no from me, such a red flag.

You have a gentle, quiet sensitive child and the last thing he needs is old fashioned "toughening up" 🚩

You however might need to learn to stand up to your husband and trust your intuition more.

From reading the shooting situation I wonder if he feels boys should man up and that’s quite an old school view. You sound caring but you both need to find the right balance not just you. You need to consider if you would rather your children attend as day or night borders and stick to it. I think they may struggle at a young age to be away from home as you have put their needs first. I wonder about your needs op because it’s all about husband/boys. He was unfair with the sex situation. I think you overreacted with the night away you could have waited until ds calmed down and went later. Also it is ok to miss a match if grandparents etc are there instead.

This!

Weighing everything up and especially as your dh is a loving involved dad, I’d tread carefully and make him feel he’s being prioritised. That is what is best for your boys.

On the face of it young children take up your time and head space and it is normal for your relationship to not be the front of your mind at this life stage.
However as the mother of 3 grown up boys. They do just leave and their mum is not their priority. I have a good positive relationship with my boys but I am not the centre of their universe and that's ok.
The hockey incident is a classic example. Nothing terrible had happened son was disappointed and trying to figure out his feelings which where big. He needed you to guide him how to do that. And part of that guidance is this feels a big deal, you are disappointed but it isn't something you allow to overwhelm you. So quick debrief help him articulate his feelings and off to Grandma's he goes. You are modelling keeping everything in perspective and that you trust him to manage his feelings.
When you have an eldest who is learning independence and self regulation and a youngest who still needs lots of help to navigate his world it can be really hard to differentiate the support they need.
But it is important to parent the child in front of you they all need different things at different stages. And it doesn't need to be equal to be fair.

We let him and after a while DH said ‘that’s enough now you’re a big boy go sit in your chair’ and he didn’t really want to do that and DH asked him again more stern I guess and he went and sat on his chair sulking. He got over it but DH just wanted him out of the way so he to cuddle me.

This is pretty disturbing.

With the movie example, I wouldn’t have made the 5yo move seats, I’d have spoke up and said he is fine to sit next to me. Boarding school, yanbu.

Cancelling the night away was unreasonable on your part. However, if your husband keeps trying to force distance between you and your children, at some point he will succeed. No fucking way would I send my children to board because someone else wanted it. Particularly if that someone else already showed a pattern of wanting to freeze the warmth between myself and my children. I think you need to be prepared to separate from your husband if he continues to parent like this. Your 5 year old is too big to cuddle his mum! Ridiculous. Dont let your husband's trauma dictate how you parent your children. Youre the only one who can protect them from it.

It's clear he loves them and isn't a bad father by any means, but to actively shift a five year old so he could snuggle you is an odd impulse to have during a family film watching moment. There's so much love in snuggling with a child between both his parents, what a healthy and lovely thing! My husbnd and I had 12 years devoted to just eachother, bliss! But he and we both know that things change when kids come, and we only have the one not three! I'm my husbands best friend too, he only has a small handful of pals nd they all live far away now so I'm no stranger to trying to juggle so feel for you.

My husband and I cuddle watching films in the evening as during the day our toddler would be climbing on and between and around us! Do you both have much time to do that or carve some time out a few times a week? When kids are in bed? It sounds like you're trying to keep a whole household happy and emotionally regulated, but your kids are very much a priority as they should be because they are young and their need to be close to you is natural and instinctive.

Not going away after the hockey match was pretty unreasonable on your part although you say he agreed so that's also on him. Him expecting you ignore a five year old who is calling for you is unreasonable on his part. You didn't do anything wrong there.

I'm finding your examples a bit of a stretch tbh. They seem perfectly normal parenting moments and your boys are also still very young.

However the best thing you can do is probably ensure you have regular one on one time with your husband in some way or another. You don't really need to modify your parenting going by the examples.

He expected you to continue having sex knowing your child was calling you? Sending a 5yr old away so he can cuddle you is awful. He does need counselling. The hockey match, that was silly, he does need to toughen up in that respect. I hate sore losers so i’d have cracked on and not pandered to the sulking. No wonder your DH felt pushed out then. The rest, he is wrong.

The hockey match cancellation thing was OTT and it does suggest you might be being a little bit too child focused apart from the other examples you listed. But overall I would say you are in the right and your husband is the one who is a bit 'tough boy' focused.

The rest sounds normal. Absolutely would never send my child to boarding school. It goes against everything we know about child development and attachment. Even if you do somehow manage to thrive boarding, unless your parents are awful, you'd have done even better at home and attending a very good private.

My ex wasn't attached well with his mother, he was left in another country by her whilst quite young before being reunited. She never ever bonded with him. He too saw aspects of healthy, functional, parental affection and emotional regulation assistance of upset children as 'overly pampering'.

That said, finding the balance between fostering resilience and independence and providing nurturing and care is a balance. You both need to compromise, but he, far more than you. The boarding would be an eternal no for me though.

Oops for some reason thought he was 12

DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft.

@BeBusyBlueBee please don't let your children grow up to be like this.

The stopping having sex to go see your child who is calling for you seems normal to me as why would you carry on and ignore it.

The second of cancelling a night away because your son is upset over a hockey match is OTT. Comforting your son fine but cancelling is to much.

Your marriage needs prioritised sometimes and that night it should have been.

I agree with the hockey match thing, but husband is a shooting, boarding school dickhead who wants to 'toughen up' his kids, so I'm definitely not team husband.

"He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft."

Oh yeah, you're so resilient you're jealous of your own kids mate. Maybe his lack of affection from his parents is why he's so needy for yours.

Yeah foregoing a night out becuase he lost a hockey match is silly. But cuddling your kids, stopping having sex when one is calling for you, is normal behaviour.

My DH was a boarder too from 8-16yrs old. He’s constantly wanting our 2yr old to ‘toughen up’ and grow-up. He struggles with ‘big feelings’ and hard emotions, but has recently started working on himself and having more understanding and patience. Sounds like your DH is the same?

Children definitely are the priority, but you do need to leave space for eachother and your marriage too. It’s hard to get that balance sometimes. Keep communicating and as you have the option of babysitters, use them. It’s ok to have time for yourselves.

Maybe, but jumping to the every need of a selfish and maladjusted dickhead at the expense of your children’s needs isn’t a great solution either.

I am suspicious of the argument that you should “prioritise your marriage”. A good man wouldn’t ask anyone to choose between him and his children.

A bad relationship with your husband will be more detrimental to your kids than not jumping to their every need.

Relationships are hard communication is key making time for your husband is important doing things just the two of you sometimes to remember that aswell as being parents you are a couple aswell if you have the childcare available use it go away together and find the spark again it will do you both the world of good .

As has been said many times on here, the hockey match thing was a huge overreaction BUT I can’t help wondering if your reaction is prompted by his behaviour.

Wanting to pause sex because a child is calling for you is completely natural and he absolutely shouldn’t be guilt tripping you or sulking about this. Wanting his kids to flexi board points to a bit of a mindset which, while not neglectful, is a bit “stiff upper lip”.

Honestly he sounds like a bit of a bellend and I wouldn’t be prioritising a marriage to him over your children.