AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

Please don’t do boarding.

Christ, more of this.

“Feed your marriage” = do exactly what he wants and allow him to minimise his children’s wellbeing.

You need to feed your marriage or it will die. Have boundaries with the children.
Being a single mum is unbelievable shit I can tell you and nobody else who is decent will take on three kids.
You need to be a solid unit together with your husband in order to be good parents.

He spoke with you ,so it’s not like he is not communicating , from your examples imo he is right .
Me and my husband are close in age to yours and you and also have 3 kids and unfortunately not many opportunities to have alone time as our families life far away but if we did cancelling for a lost hockey game would not happen .
Make time for you 2 ! Or you will end up divorced .

Yes, I totally agree with this.

Apart from the hockey match I have a feeling that your husband feels /unknowingly/ like another child, fighting for attention. Of course you dont keep having sex while a small childs needs attention.
Boarding school will not toughten him up. 9 years of age is way too young for a boarding school. There are lots of videos about boarding on YT, and its all very sad.

Tell you DH it's a hard no on the boarding, but your side of the deal is you'll drop the ludicrous behaviour like cancelling plans because ds lost a game. Your son DOES need to "toughen up" to the point of not making a silly fuss about something like that. He's too old to be acting like a toddler.

Cancelling the birthday over a lost hockey match was a pretty bad call.

Everything else I can see your point but that was pretty outrageous.

A little less mollycoddling on your part would help far more than boarding. You’re not doing them any favours with your fussing.

So you think that a five year old who wants his mother needs toughening up? Jeez, I don’t wonder how some boys grow up unable to show affection or engage appropriately in relationships. Life is a balance: at the moment, thenDC need their mother, and at five, if a child feels you need him, you let him know you are there for him so he can grow up secure. When they’re teens, they won’t want to be getting in bed with Mummy and Daddy or cuddling up in the sofa.
it sounds to me as though the OP’s DH is in part jealous because his own children are getting the emotional support from their DM that was denied to him at that age. OP, I think all you can do is to reassure your DH that you’re there for him, but point out that five is still well young. And boarding school? A decent private day school will have long hours and lots of after school activities so you’ll be seeing less of your DC anyway. I completely understand your misgivings about boarding school, and unless your DC is keen, I wouldn’t countenance it.

This is such a simplistic statement and its so irritating to read people parroting this again and again. Obviously all things being equal a happy marriage is a better foundation for raising children than one characterised by friction. That hardly needs saying.

That argument is being manipulated by the husband (and some posters) to mean: “The husband’s needs should always take priority over those of the children.” I call bullshit.

The needs of the husband and the needs of the children shouldn’t be constantly in tension. The kids do have to learn that they don’t always get to have every whim indulged (as per the hockey thing). But that shouldn’t be used as a figleaf for the husband to be a cold, selfish and unfeeling manchild.

If the husband is constantly telling his wife “he comes first” over the children these interests are not aligned and the OP shouldn’t have to be bending over backwards to accede to every one of his demands “for the sake of the marriage”. Its so manipulative.

I am really surprised that the majority think YABU and only focusing on cancelled weekend because of the hockey match.

Cancelling the hotel because of the hockey match was the only thing that was OTT. However, why did DH agree to cancelling the weekend? Its not just on OP.

The rest, is just normal parenting. Seeing to your child when they've called for you- are people telling me they would comfortably carrying on having sex for however long with your child either shouting for you or walking in on you?

That they cant have cuddles with their parent?

Yes children grow up and leave, OPs children are still young and need their parents. With the DH attitude, its not a surprise they want OP more then their dad.

The hockey match one is wild.
Boarding not so much.

Come on OP! You know that your DH isn't being reasonable. He is jealous of his own children and if you bow to his wishes and stop showing them affection and send them to boarding school, you will have created another generation of fucked up men who will resent their own children and only view the giving and receiving of affection as normal in a sexual relationship.

Hmm I've never " snuggled" with anyone watching a film. It would get on my wick bug time having someone constantly touching me

You would send a five year old to boarding school to toughen him up? What a horrible parent you must be.

As many have said, the cancelling of the trip because of the hockey match was unnecessary. I can see why he’s annoyed at that.

The rest of it definitely YANBU. Of course you stop having sex if a small child wakes and wants you. What a ridiculous notion of his.

Boarding school - I don’t think children should be sent to board unless they really actively want to or it’s a necessity (forces or something).

I think that your boys are more like to be gone without a backward glance if your husband continues his competitive behaviour with his own sons, fighting them for your affection.

I bet he's envisaging a time when they are both sent away to boarding school and he can have you completely to himself.

YABU.

Your husband is jealous of his 5 year old son because you were cuddling him a bit too long for his liking. He sounds possessive and needy and is probably looking to you for the affection that he didn't get from his parents. However, in the process, he is treating his sons like his parents treated him. I wonder whether he would have been so jealous if your children were girls.

I might be projecting but my mum went to boarding school from 6 and she is an emotional desert. Are you overcompensating for your DHs lack of emotional connection? My mum is very jealous of the relationships I have with my kids and husband as she just doesn’t understand how they work. She thinks we don’t have the connection I have with my DC because there is something wrong with me. If she wasn’t my mum I would feel very sorry for her. Boarding School Syndrome is a real thing. You were ridiculous to cancel the hotel though.

He sounds like a classic case of someone carrying trauma from the boarding school experience. He needs counselling to deal with the 'it didn't do me any harm' syndrome and it's effects on your family. He's jealous, wittingly or not, of the affection his own sons are getting from their mother. It sounds a bit woo but he needs to reconnect with his inner child who is still in there suffering from a lack of parental affection, feeling lonely and cast aside and jealous of other kids who he sees as getting petted and pandered to, relative to his experience.

I really don't understand how you were meant to carry on having sex when a child was calling you through the door.

I also think that cancelling your night away because a child was upset at losing a match was a massive overreaction.

So it's not all him. If he feels neglected as a husband, you need to address that and yes, as others have said, they'll be grown up and gone in the blink of an eye, leaving you both rattling around with the rest of your lives to live.

I don't approve of boarding school, not as a concept but in terms of the effects on the psyche of children. It is massively damaging. I get an icky feeling that he's so keen because he wants your kids out of the way so that he can have you all to himself. That really needs addressing.

What's unhealthy and unhelpful here is the eliding of both issues, the effects of his traumatic upbringing impacting his judgement about the degree of affection/attention it is appropriate for his children to receive from their parents, and his feelings of neglect, stemming in most part from his childhood. They should and could be two separate issues.

You need to work together to split them up and address them separately.

Everyone keeps saying the husband should get prioritised otherwise once the kids grow up the marriage will be dead like that’s the worst thing ever?

Um, in the autumn of your life with fully grown/flown kids and the headspace to do what you want because you haven’t got some sulky husband in the background? Sounds like bliss to me 😂

yabu op re the hockey thing
your marriage is important
what happens when your kids grow up and get their own lives??
@BeBusyBlueBee

It’s a story as old as time it becomes us and him
as the kids naturally pull away from you in a few years your marriage will of died

there middle ground with these issues

joining the chorus of others about the hockey match that is setting him up to fail in life

Yes, this struck a note with me. Your DH was "toughened up" at boarding school?
I can see both sides, and I think you were wrong about the hockey match. However, you're going to have to talk about your parenting choices and priorities and come to an agreement.

This is very true!