AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

Was that a one off , or do you often/regularly/sometimes use the kids/their needs as an excuse to not do stuff with him?

I’d get the ick if a grown man was sulking and thinking he deserves more attention and affection than a 5 yr old just because it was withheld for him at that age.

I agree about cancelling time after the hockey match, as I have said. But all the other examples here point to a man who is controlling, emotionally repressed and manipulative. He’s jealous of the mother’s bond with her children and thinks they ought to be sent to boarding school to develop “resilience”.

The idea that the OP has to bend over backwards to pander to this to keep her marriage is a blueprint for him to continue to manipulate her.

She can have boundaries with her children without having to assuage the brittle ego of a man who is jealous of them. There’s a middle ground.

Oh it's not constant, we rarely have time to watch films anymore and snuggle. Rarity makes it more precious though, also appreciate the "getting on my wick" as a North eastener long away from.there, miss hearing that saying!

If you know me that is NOT what I mean.
But cancelling time away together just because a child is upset at losing is ridiculous.
You think life as a single parent is better than a happy marriage and family? It isnt.
If a man went out every night and spent zero time with you would you be ok with that?
Every marriage needs couple time to survive.
He is apparently a very hands on dad.
Not a shirker.
Dont treat him like he is the very last person you care about. I wouldng wabt to be treated like that. Thats how my husband treated me so we are divorced.

I think you need to rebalance, those boys will grown up and then it’s you and you and your DH left. The night away was obviously very important to your DH.

"DH hates the attachment he hates that they constantly want to hold me when they’re upset. He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too. I’m soft."

OP you need to speak to someone yourself if you think there is anything normal or healthy in a father hating his childrens attachment to their mother, and wanting to be held when they are upset.

That is really messed up.

Part of children growing up is learning to self regulate and as parents we help them do this.

Yes he perhaps over reacted to the loss of the match, but I can understand your difficulty in leaving him so upset.

You will all have learnt from this.

Posters love to become obsessed on a point, and this thread is no different.
The hockey match is only one small thing in a large toxic picture.

I hope for the sake of your childrens emotional safety, you can see that.

Are you a parent?

Unfortunately op everyone is just focusing on the hockey match therefore you’re not getting honest replies here

Maybe yes, maybe no. While I definitely don’t agree with some of the things said by the DH, it’s hard to imagine the hockey incident is a one off, complete aberration. It would be far more likely that not only that child, but the other two, may carry on like this constantly about lots of things like this in everyday life. So, 3 kids displaying this behaviour on a routine basis and OP’s way of dealing it would likely be consistent also encouraging and indulging it. You can then start and see why the DH may be at the end of his rope.

Unfortunately op everyone is just focusing on the hockey match therefore you’re not getting honest replies here.

Aside from the hockey match which you were being ridiculous, yanbu.

Your husband sounds vile, wanting to continue sex with a child calling for you, saying that he wants his son to go to boarding school to toughen him up, the shooting? Your dh is a dick.

Yes I think the OP muddling them all in together is a problem, as it means the really quite worrying behaviour from the “D” H in terms of how he wants to treat the children is getting missed.

OP - you’re really not U about the sex thing or the boarding school. Please don’t think you are!

I was going to say something similar. I don't subscribe to the view that children should come first 100% of the time. If the relationship between parents is never nurtured or prioritised, how is it supposed to stay strong?

Flexible boarding. It isn’t too bad to stay away for a couple of nights a week.

This! How ridiculous!

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. Not going away because a child lost a match is really silly. Wanting to toughen a child up is also stupid. And I would say that it's not about prioritizing either children or husband. It's about nurturing both. And the husband should also nurture both children and wife. The problem with not doing so is that when the children have become independent there is often not much of a relationship left between husband and wife. It's then difficult to be that loving couple who want to be together and enjoy each other's company.

H was / is U about boarding school and sex.

You were U to cancel over the hockey.

@curlyfriess

I'd say your DH has been damaged by his own upbringing and so now doesn't know what's emotionally healthy.

Exactly. Which is why he doesn’t get to railroad his children’s emotional needs in the name of “resilience”.

I do think you are quite unreasonable. You are due to go away again but what happens if one of your kids is upset, will you cancel again? It's unreasonable to cancel plans just because of a hockey game, I'd have been pissed off.
I. your other example I can see both sides, you didn't know why your son was calling so wanted to check but also I can see why it ruined the mood.
With regards to school I think if you send them as a day pupil to a boarding school they miss out on a lot, are there not any good private day school? More importantly what does your son want to do?

Sending a 5yo away from the sofa saying "you are a big boy, go and sit in your chair" so that the husband can get his cuddles is revolting. He can sit in his chair himself, HE is the big boy there.

I have a 70yo father who was in a boarding nursery school, aged 3-6, and he has similar sighns of boarding school syndrom, behaving like a 2 yo child, being jealous of his grandson. First time I noticed the child was bliming 6 months old!

Sending your kids away if they don't want to go doesn't 'toughen them up' in any kind of positive way. They might end up emotionally repressed or shutting down, but that's not a positive thing in any way shape or form.

I'd say your DH has been damaged by his own upbringing and so now doesn't know what's emotionally healthy.

It's not possible to be there 'too much' for your kids. Having that secure base is what allows them to feel safe enough to go out and exploring the world. I was certainly a complete helicopter parent, supported DS in every way possible, he's now living away and doing a degree apprenticeship very successfully despite being autistic. My mum believed in toughening up in your teens and being a completely independent adult at 18 and it was a disaster for me, I really needed some support and made all sorts of poor life decisions because I didn't have anyone.

Do what's best for your kids, there'll be plenty of time as they get older to go off just the two of you and do other things.

A few things that I thought while reading your post and some of the responses -

Resilience does not have to mean rigidity and ‘toughening up’

A strong marriage is a wonderful foundation but as others have said needs to be balanced with all the members of the family

You say you’ve been together a long time -how much affection via your sex life, your tactile life (hugs kisses holding hands etc) and emotional energy like time, love, all those romantic moments etc between couples was your husband happy with pre-kids?

Is he now denying moments of tactile comfort and listening to needs and emotions from you to the children while not giving them much himself? How often is he affectionate and hugs them and so on?

Could you be overcompensating at times like with the hockey match?

And also just generally people often can’t seem to find a balance between perspectives - it’s either oh be emotional and affectionate or tough and resilient - but you can be as I said up top emotional and affectionate AND resilient.

And your husband seems to fundamentally see emotions as weak - but expects you to be very emotionally giving to him - how giving is he back to you ? (Also there’s a big contradiction in what he’s saying - he said words to the effect that not being held never did him any harm - and yet he’s very upset about not getting the physical intimacy he wants form you be it sex or story next to each other in the sofa - and seems to resent your children receiving hugs, so clearly it IS important to him)

Hrtft but from initial posts it sounds like there's a middle ground here.

It sounds like you both had different experiences of being parented growing up and often we default to what our norm was when we become parents ourselves in some capacities. It sounds like that's happening here.

If my 5 yo was calling me I'd absolutely be pausing sex to see what's wrong. Obviously on this occasion he was fine but you had no way to know that until you got there. Being interrupted is really frustrating but it's part of having a young family unfortunately.

Not going away to the hotel I probably wouldn't have done unless your child was severely distressed. So I'm kind of with your dh on that but then he needs to step up. If he's told you he agrees at the time but then blamed you for it later then that's actually a communication issue on his part where he should have said what he thought at the time. Plus if his upbringing was to teach him to deal with things alone and 'suck it up' then he's going to struggle with understanding you wanting to be there to support.

I would never board my child. I also don't get the need to 'toughen up' children. So that's definitely a values difference between you both there. And just because he feels what he feels and thinks what he thinks does not make your opinion wrong.

The shooting again, values based that kids should be grateful for everything. Not all children will enjoy all hobbies and activities. It sounds like he's expecting his kids to be mini me versions of himself and then gets disappointed when they aren't. This combined with the fact it sounds like if you disagree with him he presumes you are wrong, makes him sound quite rigid and stubborn.

If he's finding it this impactful then I'd actually use it as an opportunity for marriage counselling to see if you can find a middle ground and he can start to respect your decisions and be more ready to listen openly and work more as a team with you. And maybe in turn you can relax a little and enjoy the marriage aspect a little more.

I think you're both a little bit unreasonable, but some of the things your husband says and does make me cringe.

Not wanting a 5-year old to cuddle up with you on the sofa, the constant refrain of 'you're a big boy', not being comfortable meeting the emotional needs of male children on any level, believing that boys should enjoy shooting and if they don't it's because they've been coddled, wanting to toughen his son up through flexi boarding... MASSIVE red flags regarding masculinity.

I think there are two things going on: he wants to feel valued as a partner and a husband, and he doesn't. Absolutely valid, and yes, you can work on that.

But he's also apparently very emotionally repressed and damaged from his own upbringing. His thoughts and ideas here are outdated, aren't at all healthy and I would honestly not be able to parent with someone that didn't allow me to abundantly love my child in the way that young children should be loved. I think counselling is a great idea for both of you.

Unfortunately the team lost and our son was very upset. When we got home he became even more distressed. I said to my husband that I did not feel comfortable leaving him like that to go away overnight. My husband did agree, but I could tell he was disappointed. I cancelled with his mum and we ended up staying home and getting a takeaway instead. I do feel guilty about that, but at the time it felt like the right decision.

never mind your marriage, you’re doing a huge disservice to your children bringing them up like this.