AIBU to prioritise our children too much over my marriage?

This is incredibly sad. I’ve been married to two ex boarders - both fairly damaged by the experience but my second husband went at a few years older, had more openly affectionate parents and had already done a chunk of therapy when we met, so we’ve been able to work through it. My ex-husband was I think also undiagnosed ND, a borderline alcoholic and totally unable to process his emotions in a healthy way.

I hope your husband’s individual therapy is healing. He sounds like he’s trying, but boarding from such a young age is incredibly damaging, even when done with the best intentions by loving parents. The worst thing is, the most damaged men are often the least able to see it. If you haven’t already, read up on “boarding school syndrome”.

I am not sure I fully agree... The current generation of children have been raised to be totally reliant on external soothing. I don't think we are going to fare well in the next catastrophe as a result. It's increasingly common for young adults to be genuinely astounded that nobody is going to kiss it all better for them and some swim anyway but most seem to react badly.

This is a really positive step for him. I keep thinking about that sentence from earlier - "He says he had no one to hold and he was much better off that way and our children need to learn that too" and how sad it is. I think it's not just jealousy that his sons receive the affection he was denied, but there's a huge self-image thing going on - if he admits that his upbringing has shaped him in a certain unhealthy way, he needs to admit that he's not OK now, as an adult, because of it. That's a hard thing for anyone to admit, and I think many men who've been raised in that repressed manner are reluctant to go to therapy precisely because it'll force them to confront this.

FWIW I think there's room for compromise on both sides - like most posters I think you overreacted to your son losing the hockey match. But fundamentally your husband's "toughen them up" approach is the wrong one, and more potentially damaging.

Often former trauma from childhood is re triggered when an adult sees their children at a similar age.

8 is so young to be plucked from the family.
It may suit some, but not many.
Boys are far softer and more dependent at that age than girls, I really cannot imagine it.

I have siblings that boarded at 13 and loved it.
That 5 year difference is huge, and they wanted to go.

I think he may find individual counselling a great release.

This is great, he's obviously willing to work on breaking the cycle to make sure your kids don't get fucked up like he was x

I'm sorry but the way I'm reading this is you made a mistake by cancelling the trip. He's opened up and told you how he feels. It's now been twisted into being his all his issues due to his childhood and rather reflect on how to fix it and maybe meet him halfway your making him go to therapy? Crazy.

Compromise works both ways, he has his short comings, which you keep mentioning but so have you.

It's not about fixing him, it's about fixing your marriage.

It’s obvious your dh wasn’t shown love as a child and was told to man up /not cry /didn’t get cuddles etc esp being sent off to boarding school

you had diff up bringings so he hasn’t been shown how to love as didn’t have any love or comfort himself as a child

i find that really sad and feel for your dh

he needs to be shown that cuddling and being there for your children isn’t a bad thing

Well I suppose that depends on why they married in the first place. Some people marry primarily in order to have children, rather than because they’ve met someone they really want to spend the rest of their life with. And once the children have grown the partner is surplus to requirements.

OP's DH is as needy as his five year old son. Due to his crappy upbringing, he can only show affection if it leads to sex and strops like a toddler if OP is prioritising their children rather than him.

Why on earth do you think that OP should be 'sexual' while watching TV with their children? He's the creepy one, not OP.

Nailed it.

How big is YOUR house that a child shouting mummy wouldn't distract you?
I live in a large three storey.
We are the top floor, the children's bedrooms are below us.
It would kill it for me, that's for sure.

No he's creeped out that his wife can't be sexual without snapping into mummy mode (well I would be in his shoes)

Interrupting sex is 100% reasonable. Who in their right mind could carry on shagging while their young child is calling for them!

The hockey thing was ridiculous. No one wants a bad loser in sport.

Come off it. OP's DH is jealous of the affection and attention she gives to their children. He gets in a mood if she cuddles their five year old for too long as, apparently, it's his turn.

@BeBusyBlueBee Put the boarding and shooting aside as they are totally different questions.

Continue with applying this "kids first" safeguarding institutional approach to the home with caution. Viewing the home through the lens of a hierarchy of competing needs, necessarily with the children at the top, and husband at the bottom, does not a happy marriage make.

A loveless, fractured home is far more damaging to a child than losing a hockey match, or being told to wait in his room for ten minutes at night. Keep in mind that some fractures never heal.

Lol im Essex born and bred. Didn't know was a NE thing

Still wouldn't snuggle anyone really. Would give the kids a cuddle but tbh all of them tolerated that for about 90 seconds nax

There’s a balance to be had.
There are times when you prioritise the children and there are times when you should prioritise your marriage.
The issue with the hockey game does seem ridiculous.

This whole thread blows my mind. Seeing how many women think we should be centering men, prioritizing marriage above everything, and putting husbands first… it honestly feels medieval. Do none of you notice it’s always men complaining about not getting enough attention? It’s never us. Women aren’t out here begging our partners to focus only on us, most of us would rather our husbands take care of the kids before they “take care” of us. Yet somehow we’re the ones expected to think, compromise, and prioritize their needs. It’s bananas.

A lot of these men clearly didn’t get the emotional support they needed growing up, and now they’re expecting their wives to fill that void. How is that not ridiculous? Like someone already pointed out, the idea that a grown man needs cuddles while a 5 yo is supposed to sit alone is wild.

OP, with all due respect, your husband is not being a perfect dad here. This kind of behavior doesn’t magically improve, it usually escalates as the kids get older, and it will drive you up the wall if you don’t address it now. You really do need to shut this down before it gets worse, because it will get worse.

And for those saying she shouldn’t have canceled the trip just because her son lost the game: you don’t know OP, you don’t know her son, and you have no idea how he reacts to these situations. You can’t judge a parent’s decision without understanding the kid.

A decade ago my daughter lost a final in a tennis tournament. She was 10 and distraught.
Would we have left her for a booked weekend away? No, not a chance.
My husband nor more than me would have left her. She's also high level hockey.....its a big deal when they lose. They put a lot of training and effort into their sports.
Of course it is upsetting....even at 10!

Not all parents abandon everyone else in their lives to run after the little emperor's every whim