AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

No, sorry. You knowingly slept with and became pregnant by a married man with children. You are both scummy.
What you are both doing now is scummier still. Own it.

You're learning. Don't give up on yourself and talk about yourself that way. You have some insight into your behaviour and you recognise he can't be in your life like this. Those are positives.

In practical terms, his wife needs to know about your baby for your son's sake. Otherwise you're too vulnerable to being treated like his secret family and you are tied into assisting him to see his son in ways that cross boundaries. When his wife knows, their marriage may end. That's ok. He will have to make arrangements to see all his children out in the open. He may be allowed to stay on the condition he cuts you both off. Better that than the reality of having a dad who can't acknowledge you in public. The truth will either come out later or your son will be very hurt by his behaviour. Tell his wife.

Ok, stick your fingers in your ears and go la la la then.

Because it's all imaginary?

Its not all on him. He is manipulative but you could just say no.

Do you really want your child growing up witnessing this sort of dominant obsessive and controlling behaviour?

Are you actually joking? You had a baby with her husband, slept with him this week and harboured him at your house after an argument yesterday….!

You’re a home wrecker even though the house is just about still standing 😳

Every day, I come to realise that my son will always be missing out

Missing out on what?

People bump into people they know in different countries never mind within different areas of the same country!

Recently I've had two different occasions of people asking if I'm related to So-and-so because of my surname. It's not an uncommon occurrence. So what happens when someone asks DS if he's related to Cheating Scumbag and he says oh yeah that's my dad. Or will you teach him not to do that?

No day trips to the zoo or anywhere in your child’s future?

No. You wouldn't be honest.

You continually sleep with a married man. One you've known for many years so you can't say he tricked or lied to you.

You have had a child to him despite knowing he already has children.

You cannot take the moral high ground.

That would be cutting your losses and moving away.

You chose to have a baby with a man that cannot be a co parent in any capacity. You are both a sleezy secret.

Everyone's world will come crashing down eventually with your DC in the middle of it.

Where do you see this going OP? You say he won't harm your son.

What are you going to do if you and your son find yourself out somewhere and you bump into him and his wife and family? And your son runs to him shouting daddy? Do you think he will run back to him hug him or pretend your son has the wrong man and expect you to back him up and say how sorry you are while he rejects your son?

When your son asks about his paternal family? Grandparents etc?

When your son figures out he's his dads dirty little secret what do you think that will do for his self esteem? When hes in therapy asking why he let's everyone walk all over him the way his dad walks all over you?

Do you think the dynamic between you and him is the relationship you want to model for your son? That this is the way you want him to treat people he cares about has he grows?

You need to get stronger OP.

Good grief!!!!

Just listen to yourself. You set your cap at a married man, for heaven's sake.

Are you not able to think logically?

You've already broke up his family

Next time he comes over, call his wife to come and collect him

I don't think the access should even be at her house. 1 hour twice a week in a public place.

The OP clearly cannot say no and isn't assertive so needs boundaries in place that won't put her in a difficult position.

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately I think you need to consider doing some sort of assertiveness training course as this guy is using you. He clearly fell out with his wife yesterday and hence wanted to stay at yours.

Ok, so I think you need to draw clear boundaries.

He can have contact with the baby from 4-5pm on Wednesday and Saturdays or whatever. That’s the only time he comes over.

Take access to you out of the equation and focus on forging a coparenting relationship only for the sake of your baby

Almost like it's engineered to wind people up.

Then you should follow PP’s advice to put some distance between you.
I think you have some distorted idea of what using CMS is or means, and what having a formal child access plan means. Having these doesn’t make you ‘less than’. They are sensible, legal ways of protecting your peace whilst giving your child what they need financially and emotionally (with access to both parents).

Stop being a “pick me” and protect your child!