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AIBU?

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AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

713 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
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lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 20:20

Nellietheolophant · 17/04/2026 19:40

Are you still sleeping with him?
Where does his wife think he is while he is with you?

No I am not sleeping with him, although I will always be sexually attracted to him.

A few nights ago, he said he wanted to stay the night, I told him no, and I don’t know where he thinks he is sleeping because this apartment is a one bedroom, and I only have one bed, he had the audacity to answer with you.

I will never regret having my son, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I do regret the way I went about it.

I am embarrassed by the whole situation, and as my child gets older it’s me that’s going to have to explain. Whilst his father gets to live the high life with his other family.

His other children are loved their grandparents and family members, and my son has to miss out on all of that, no one knows that he even exists.

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ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 20:20

If you want him to see the baby, and you want the baby to know his siblings, it sounds as though you want to continue being quite bound up with him.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 20:15

paulhollywoodshairgel · 17/04/2026 19:30

Doesn’t his wife wonder where that money is going? He probably mistreats and controls her as well. Do you not want your baby to know his siblings? Sounds like a real mess and he sounds like a total prick.

I don’t know, and yes he probably does mistreat and control her. I would love for my baby to know his siblings.

I agree this is a mess and yes he is a total prick, I am seeing a whole different side to him now, I really didn’t know the real him, despite him telling me I know the real him.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 17/04/2026 19:41

Move back to your family and friends. If he objects tell him to fuck off or you will tell his wife. Get on with your life, take care of your baby, and keep away from shit men.

Nellietheolophant · 17/04/2026 19:40

Are you still sleeping with him?
Where does his wife think he is while he is with you?

Tableforjoan · 17/04/2026 19:35

Tell the wife. Move away.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 17/04/2026 19:30

Doesn’t his wife wonder where that money is going? He probably mistreats and controls her as well. Do you not want your baby to know his siblings? Sounds like a real mess and he sounds like a total prick.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 19:27

Nighttimenoise · 17/04/2026 18:58

If your ex was bad enough for you to have been moved, why on earth did you tell him about the baby, why are you even in contact with him?

If I hadn’t told him, he would've found out sooner or later. I am glad that I am free from him now.

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lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 19:25

SunnyRedSnail · 17/04/2026 18:54

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this whole situation is creepy.

You are the baby's mother. If you don't like the name then change it. And giving your child a surname that isn't yours and is the name of a bloke that is married to someone else is also creepy.

Change the baby's name to something you like. Change the surname to yours. Move to somewhere you have support.

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I do plan to move nearer to my family and friends.

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Nighttimenoise · 17/04/2026 18:58

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:07

I've already been relocated by the authorities because of threats from my ex. I'm glad to be safe, but it feels really isolating around here.

If your ex was bad enough for you to have been moved, why on earth did you tell him about the baby, why are you even in contact with him?

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:57

Please tell me you are not still having sex with this man?

Moving to be near friends and family is a good plan.

SunnyRedSnail · 17/04/2026 18:54

@lifesbeenfeelingheavylately this whole situation is creepy.

You are the baby's mother. If you don't like the name then change it. And giving your child a surname that isn't yours and is the name of a bloke that is married to someone else is also creepy.

Change the baby's name to something you like. Change the surname to yours. Move to somewhere you have support.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 18:48

If you move away, could he still see the baby?

It seems you both want him to come round and see the baby and move away so he can’t criticise or try to control you.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:34

I'm thinking about moving back near my family and friends to get more support.

I do want him to visit the baby regularly, and he does. He could come over later, though he usually has a comment about everything.

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ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 18:31

Yes, and you are entitled to it whether or not he sees the baby.

Where would you move to if you could? Do you have family where you could go?

VeraWang · 17/04/2026 18:30

Got to love a Friday night on Mumsnet.

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:26

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:10

No, his wife doesn't know, and I had to tell my ex because he would've found out sooner or later anyway.

I don't really care about him since he mistreated me and was physically abusive.

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

Reframe this.

He is paying you child support you are legally entitled too. I just hope it's enough. Check the online calculator if you have an idea of this salary.

It is not an allowance.

He is not doing you a favour.

Please correct your thinking.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 18:23

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:10

No, his wife doesn't know, and I had to tell my ex because he would've found out sooner or later anyway.

I don't really care about him since he mistreated me and was physically abusive.

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

Does he want to see the baby?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:10

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:04

He hasn't started to be controlling, he's controlled you from the start.

The baby is named something you don't like.
The baby has his surname not yours.

Does his wife know?
Is your ex in prison an ex so doesn't need to know? If not you need to finish that relationship too

The father is right, you are a mum now so stop behaving irresponsibly.

I'd tell the father to fuck off. If he wants to parent then step up and parent and that starts by telling his wife and kids and being a dad.

He doesn't get am opinion on you, your life or your choices when he's not in it as a partner, which he can't be with a wife

I hope you are getting child support.

No, his wife doesn't know, and I had to tell my ex because he would've found out sooner or later anyway.

I don't really care about him since he mistreated me and was physically abusive.

He gives me a monthly allowance which is enough for me and the baby to live on.

OP posts:
SisterThorn · 17/04/2026 18:09

This reply has been deleted

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Bananalanacake · 17/04/2026 18:07

He doesn't live with you so he can't control you that much, and you're not in a relationship with him.

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:07

ScrollingLeaves · 17/04/2026 17:58

The thing is he can now effectively control a lot of your life, and definitely the child’s, if he wants to, for the next 18 years, if he is on the birth certificate.

You're right of course but as he's keeping it all a secret I don't think he will be as controlling if the OP grows up and challenges his behaviour. Starting with child support and telling people.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:07

I've already been relocated by the authorities because of threats from my ex. I'm glad to be safe, but it feels really isolating around here.

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BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:05

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:01

Yeah, he's on the birth certificate and the baby has his last name.

I know I probably shouldn't have gotten myself into this, but I didn't plan on getting pregnant. It just happened the first time we had unprotected sex, and that was only once.

I'm really embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and now I'm starting to see a whole new side of him.

Stop having unprotected sex. FGS!

BlueMum16 · 17/04/2026 18:04

He hasn't started to be controlling, he's controlled you from the start.

The baby is named something you don't like.
The baby has his surname not yours.

Does his wife know?
Is your ex in prison an ex so doesn't need to know? If not you need to finish that relationship too

The father is right, you are a mum now so stop behaving irresponsibly.

I'd tell the father to fuck off. If he wants to parent then step up and parent and that starts by telling his wife and kids and being a dad.

He doesn't get am opinion on you, your life or your choices when he's not in it as a partner, which he can't be with a wife

I hope you are getting child support.