AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

Why go to CMS? Because he could decide to stop paying maintenance at any time. He has the control over this and it leaves OP in a vulnerable place.

OP, if I were you I’d be making plans to move closer to your family.

i’d never have contact with ex again. Never.

i’d tell your baby’s father that your relationship/affair is over and that you want him to be a positive part of your sons life but that he has no jurisdiction over you. If he can’t stop trying to control you, you will be reducing contact to ensure your son has thriving upbringing with a healthy and independent single mum.

he can visit when it suits you. You will communicate with him over medical, educational issues but day to day decisions will be yours to make. If he wants to alter that, he’ll have to take you to court.

engage with support networks to build an independent life for you and your son. Concentrate on that and forget about men/relationships until you’ve worked on your self esteeem so that you don’t fall into another unsuitable partnership that could impact your son.

If I had the means, I would move away while the baby is young. I don't think an environment where his dad hides his existence is healthy so I wouldn't be worried about leaving the dad behind.

Asides from the absolute car crash of this baby and man, you've been moved by the authorities to prevent your ex knowing where you are but you have told him about your DS?! Why on earth are you even in contact with him?

I'd suggest getting yourself some therapy. Stop communicating with both of these men (limit the dad to emails only regarding contact with your DS, and block him on everything else).

You are a mum, your job is to protect and teach this tiny person how to be a decent human being. Start doing that.

Not sure why you posted. You have zero interest in helping yourself.

He’s controlling you to protect himself. Absolute snake.

Is he on the birth certificate?

Nothing could stop me telling his wife. Nothing.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.
He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Fuck me.

You’ve branded your baby as his and mutilated his genitals for (another) man with the values of an alley cat. This child is utterly fucked if you don’t get your shit together.

A) how is she supposed to change the name even if she wanted to?
B) she gets substantial financial support already, what would going to CMS achieve?!

Change the baby’s last name to yours. The. Yes mi e if you want to

start standing up to him, when he says something about your clothes tell him you like how you dress and are not changing

SM, as long as your account is locked and shared only with immediate family use it for pictures if you wish, the reason he won’t want pics on there is so his wife does not find out

go to CMS and get maintenance and stop seeing the father

No I dobt agree. My sons father fid not deserve my son and I went to court to prevent access due to his controlling behaviour and I got sole access.
Move away. Cut ties completely.
If your son wants to know who his father is he can look for him when he has grown up.
I dont think your son wants to be his fathers dirty little secret.
My son has met his father. DS is 43 now and doesnt like him. He keeps him at arms length.

Well that's wonderful. And support should be what you can always count on from one mother to another.

You're quite right to be uncomfortable with control and I've learned the hard way that you can't change this situation. You can only remove yourself from it. You have lots of life still ahead of you. This person is wasting your time.

I feel you probably know this already but next time go for a nice guy who wouldn't cheat. Get some distance in place so you're independent and single and safe. You've got this xx

What a terrible time you're having, OP.

If I was in your position I would definitely move to somewhere that you'll have more support. You sound isolated and that's not a good position to be in with a baby.

If he wants to see the baby on a regular basis I would allow that but try to keep the visits short and in a public place that's not too far from you. Not in your home. I'm not confident you're actually safe. If you're living on an allowance it may feel you owe him something and I don't know how he would react if you were to meet someone else. If he has another family it will not be easy for him to visit you frequently when you've moved away. Although your son has a right to know his dad, he also has a right not to grow up feeling like a secret child who people are ashamed of. I think the best you can hope for is that the baby's dad does make the effort to travel to meet up on a rare but regular basis, even when he knows you've cut ties with him.

Have no more contact with your ex, ever.

Refuse the allowance and go through the courts for maintenance in the usual way.

The poor child growing up as someone's bad secret.

Unfortunately, as he's on the birth certificate, he has a say in everything now. You can't change your son's name without dad's permission, he gets a say in where you live and can take you to court over it, he'll have a say in regards to medical issues, school choices, you taking your child abroad on holiday and everything else.

I don't mean to sound harsh. I was also a single parent but in different circumstances. You are where you are now, all you can do is try to build a healthier relationship with him. At least you're getting decent child support.....that surprises me to be honest! You might want to go through CMS though as he may use taking away the money as a threat at some point. Better to make it official even if it means you get a little less.

You had unprotected sex... you both therefore DID plan this baby.

Why not just limit your contact with him? Why not just up and move and see if he tries to go to court for access... would he do that given he hasn't told his wife? Although realistically she probably already knows and you probably aren't his only woman on the side.

Is there a big age gap between you both by any chance?

Do your family know about the baby?

That poor child

She can't do that! He's has PR