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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?

713 replies

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 17:50

This is already embarrassing for me, so I'd be grateful if you didn't pass judgment.

Five months back, I gave birth to my first child, but his father and I aren't a couple. We were never really a couple, it began as just some casual fun while my ex was in prison and he was having issues with his wife.

I've liked him forever, so the true feelings have always been there, and he's the guy I've wanted to be with all this time.

We'd been hooking up regularly and behaving like a couple, but we both knew it was wrong and had to end.

But then I fell pregnant, I let him know straight off, expecting a panic and a push for abortion, but that never happened. He said it was totally up to me what I decided.

I was planning to have an abortion, but things changed because my ex wasn’t getting out of prison any time soon, and we’d been trying to have a baby for over two years without any luck.

Throughout my pregnancy, my baby's dad was amazing, he made sure we had everything and was right there at the birth too.

I let him pick the baby's name, even though I really don't like it, but I figured I'd let him have his way. The baby also carries his last name.

He made me get our baby circumcised, not for any religious reason, but just because his mum decided that for him when he was a baby. The procedure went well, but I still feel guilty about it every day.

Only a month in, he started getting really controlling and still is.

He doesn’t want baby on social media.

He’s always trying to control what I wear. I video called him, to show the baby, and his first reaction was about my outfit, he told me to change it up because now that I'm a mother, I should dress differently.

He keeps moaning and wants to control every little thing, and I seriously can't put up with it anymore.

I just wanna take my baby and move away; he's already got his wife and three kids.

OP posts:
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lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 08:30

He came over last night, and I told him I wasn’t happy with him. He said that the only reason he was doing and saying those things was because he cares about me.

He said he wanted to stay the night with us and thought it’d be nice for the baby to wake up to both of us. He even brought an overnight bag, but I stood my ground and told him he couldn’t stay. Then he said it was because I don’t trust myself around him.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 19/04/2026 08:26

notatinydancer · 18/04/2026 19:50

A whole new side of him ? Apart from being married with three kids ?

I already knew he was married with three kids.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 18/04/2026 19:50

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 17/04/2026 18:01

Yeah, he's on the birth certificate and the baby has his last name.

I know I probably shouldn't have gotten myself into this, but I didn't plan on getting pregnant. It just happened the first time we had unprotected sex, and that was only once.

I'm really embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and now I'm starting to see a whole new side of him.

A whole new side of him ? Apart from being married with three kids ?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 18:22

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 17:52

So why did you do it? What were you hoping to gain from having your newborn mutilated?

I suspect you thought giving him his father’s name and adhering to this hideous request would make him think twice about leaving his wife. Neither of these actions are the actions of a woman who intends to do it alone.

And his wife will find out, one day, about you and this baby. And your son won’t be welcomed into the arms of his half siblings. They’ll more likely shun the cheating arsehole, squeeze him for everything they can and he’ll no doubt blame you. You’ll literally be left holding the baby.

I didn’t expect to gain anything from this, and breaking up his family is the last thing on my mind. I'm totally fine with him being with his wife and kids, I just want him to leave me alone.

OP posts:
DalmationalAnthem · 18/04/2026 18:21

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 17:54

DH and I were married for nearly 10 years before DD came along. She has my surname, because I took all the risks and did all the hard work bringing her into the world.

It’s a sexist tradition and it’s scary that you don’t consider your own efforts worthy of passing on.

Traditionally a child gets the mothers surname.

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 17:55

You just love stoking his ego.

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 17:54

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 17:44

Why would it matter to me? He's my baby's dad, so there's really no good reason for him to take my last name.

DH and I were married for nearly 10 years before DD came along. She has my surname, because I took all the risks and did all the hard work bringing her into the world.

It’s a sexist tradition and it’s scary that you don’t consider your own efforts worthy of passing on.

ItTook9Years · 18/04/2026 17:52

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 17:41

Please give it a break!

The procedure was carried out in a private clinic, not via the NHS, I don’t know why you even thought it was.

I was against it before and still am, because the only advantage is that it is much cleaner.

So why did you do it? What were you hoping to gain from having your newborn mutilated?

I suspect you thought giving him his father’s name and adhering to this hideous request would make him think twice about leaving his wife. Neither of these actions are the actions of a woman who intends to do it alone.

And his wife will find out, one day, about you and this baby. And your son won’t be welcomed into the arms of his half siblings. They’ll more likely shun the cheating arsehole, squeeze him for everything they can and he’ll no doubt blame you. You’ll literally be left holding the baby.

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 17:44

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 17:04

That might seem a reasonable course of action to you and I but OP chose to name the child after his father and I don't think she really minds 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why would it matter to me? He's my baby's dad, so there's really no good reason for him to take my last name.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 17:41

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 18/04/2026 16:53

You can literally look at NHS rules. Medical reasons only. Even official private clinics like Nuffield you can look for yourself - only over 3yo and only for medical reasons.

They're often performed in 'clinics' by religious practitioners that simply do a lot of them. They're usually not Dr's.

Please give it a break!

The procedure was carried out in a private clinic, not via the NHS, I don’t know why you even thought it was.

I was against it before and still am, because the only advantage is that it is much cleaner.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 17:34

BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 17:12

Why does the OP NEED to resort to blackmail to change the child's name? She doesn't care about the kid having husband Fathers name... she just wants him to stop yelling her what she can and can't do.

Thank you

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 17:12

SunnyRedSnail · 18/04/2026 14:16

So she needs to try and use this as leverage. He clearly doesn't want his wife to know what he has been up to. He probably thinks it's hilarious having two families.

The OP needs to be assertive, and TELL him that this isn't going to work, she wants the child's name changed, and if he doesn't agree then she will be letting the wife know.

Why does the OP NEED to resort to blackmail to change the child's name? She doesn't care about the kid having husband Fathers name... she just wants him to stop yelling her what she can and can't do.

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 17:04

SunnyRedSnail · 18/04/2026 14:16

So she needs to try and use this as leverage. He clearly doesn't want his wife to know what he has been up to. He probably thinks it's hilarious having two families.

The OP needs to be assertive, and TELL him that this isn't going to work, she wants the child's name changed, and if he doesn't agree then she will be letting the wife know.

That might seem a reasonable course of action to you and I but OP chose to name the child after his father and I don't think she really minds 🤷🏼‍♀️

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 17:02

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 18/04/2026 16:53

You can literally look at NHS rules. Medical reasons only. Even official private clinics like Nuffield you can look for yourself - only over 3yo and only for medical reasons.

They're often performed in 'clinics' by religious practitioners that simply do a lot of them. They're usually not Dr's.

You're wrong
https://www.gmc-uk.org/professional-standards/the-professional-standards/personal-beliefs-and-medical-practice/personal-beliefs-and-medical-practice

AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?
AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?
AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?
AIBU to want distance from my controlling baby's father?
ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 18/04/2026 16:53

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 06:03

Not to be rude but I don’t know where you got that information from, yes they can carry out circumcision for non medical reasons and it certainly wasn’t done by someone unlicensed and untrained, I would never allow that to happen.

You can literally look at NHS rules. Medical reasons only. Even official private clinics like Nuffield you can look for yourself - only over 3yo and only for medical reasons.

They're often performed in 'clinics' by religious practitioners that simply do a lot of them. They're usually not Dr's.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/04/2026 15:50

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 13:51

I am still not in contact with him, I told him before the baby was born because he would have found out sooner or later.

Because of the seriousness of the threats, the police had to relocate me since he involved his friends and family members in harassing me as well.

I am not going to completely cut off contact with my son's father; he deserves to have a father figure in his life and he does love him.

He said he would come by later, so I'll talk to him about how I'm feeling.

I did suggest email only regarding contact with his son. There is no requirement for you to casually chat about anything else with him, for him to have access to you via social media, or for any other means of communication.

BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 14:52

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:34

She's probably familiar with what he's like by now.

Probably isn't aware her children have a new sibling though

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:34

BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 14:28

Letting his wife know he's a scumbag isn't malicious... don't you think she deserves that level of respect?

She's probably familiar with what he's like by now.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 18/04/2026 14:28

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:25

Why are you pushing me to blackmail him? I never said I was unhappy with my baby having his surname, after all, he is the father.

I am not a malicious person, I would never destroy what he has at home. Remember, three other innocent children would also be affected, and I’m not about to do that to them.

Letting his wife know he's a scumbag isn't malicious... don't you think she deserves that level of respect?

lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:25

SunnyRedSnail · 18/04/2026 14:16

So she needs to try and use this as leverage. He clearly doesn't want his wife to know what he has been up to. He probably thinks it's hilarious having two families.

The OP needs to be assertive, and TELL him that this isn't going to work, she wants the child's name changed, and if he doesn't agree then she will be letting the wife know.

Why are you pushing me to blackmail him? I never said I was unhappy with my baby having his surname, after all, he is the father.

I am not a malicious person, I would never destroy what he has at home. Remember, three other innocent children would also be affected, and I’m not about to do that to them.

OP posts:
lifesbeenfeelingheavylately · 18/04/2026 14:18

Gazelda · 18/04/2026 14:06

OP, you’ve said several times that you told ex about the baby because he would have found out at some point anyway.

so what? He’s your ex. Your baby and your life are nothing to do with him.

by letting know about your baby, you’re maintaining some form of contact and he/his family probably interpret that either as a continued affection for him or as a means to needle him. Neither of which is i your best interest or that of your son.

your life is over complicated. Concentrate on simplifying it and focussing on the positive wellbeing of the two of you. Everyone else is irrelevant.

Edited

That’s different people keep asking that same question.

I don't have anything to do with my ex or his friends and family anymore.

I'm doing everything I can to protect my baby because there has also been a threat against their life.

This is a difficult and embarrassing situation, yet the main thing is that me and baby are safe.

OP posts:
SunnyRedSnail · 18/04/2026 14:16

RoseField1 · 18/04/2026 08:14

She can't! He's on the birth certificate!! She's given him all the control

So she needs to try and use this as leverage. He clearly doesn't want his wife to know what he has been up to. He probably thinks it's hilarious having two families.

The OP needs to be assertive, and TELL him that this isn't going to work, she wants the child's name changed, and if he doesn't agree then she will be letting the wife know.

oustedbymymate · 18/04/2026 14:11

That poor baby. What a shit show to be born into

Gazelda · 18/04/2026 14:06

OP, you’ve said several times that you told ex about the baby because he would have found out at some point anyway.

so what? He’s your ex. Your baby and your life are nothing to do with him.

by letting know about your baby, you’re maintaining some form of contact and he/his family probably interpret that either as a continued affection for him or as a means to needle him. Neither of which is i your best interest or that of your son.

your life is over complicated. Concentrate on simplifying it and focussing on the positive wellbeing of the two of you. Everyone else is irrelevant.

ScrollingLeaves · 18/04/2026 14:04

Maintenance has nothing to do with him seeing him or not, in case you did not realise.